Nine women share the moment they realised whether they wanted kids

“I don’t feel like I’m missing out…”

Few decisions are as analysed or politicised as a womxn’s desire to have, or not to have, children. The mere mention of kids can invite unsolicited opinions about fertility, social norms, population growth and antinatalism.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

That said, the choice is a deeply personal one. For some, it’s complex, leading to questions about timing, sacrifice and desire – for others, it may have never been a question, but a decision they’ve always been sure of. There’s no right answer and parenthood can take countless forms.

But it’s those who feel assured in their decision that have us thinking: When was the specific moment you knew? Below, nine Fashion Journal readers share their decisions.

Freya*, 26, she/her

My decision was firmly made after seeing my dad tease my mum in an extremely misogynistic way, in front of my 10-year-old brother and my brother laughed. I daydreamed about motherhood sometimes, which is to be expected, especially when you’re in a happy relationship, but ultimately, the decision [to have kids] has not and will not change.

Jett*, 29, she/her

I was about seven years old when I remember deciding whether I wanted kids. All the girls at school had Baby Born dolls, so I asked for one for Christmas. When I held it in my arms on Christmas Day, I remember feeling icky and uncomfortable. I didn’t like it and I never played with the doll again.

My decision has stayed the same ever since. There are so many amazing things I’m yet to do in my life and having a child wouldn’t be fair to my dreams – or to the child. I don’t feel like I’m missing out by deciding not to become a parent.

Gen*, 49, she/her

I always wanted to have kids, ever since I was a child myself. I have many friends who have decided not to have children and I think that’s fine. I’ve never been the person asking people, “Do you want to have children?” – it’s something very personal that will affect your life forever.

Penny*, 30, she/her

I spent most of my twenties thinking I didn’t want kids. On reflection, I don’t think I had actually thought about it all that deeply and had just written it off. It seemed like a faraway concept that I didn’t have to worry about because I was young and not in a relationship. Subconsciously, I think I had just assumed it would never happen to me and did this to save myself from disappointment.

Then, I got to my mid-to-late twenties and I felt unsure. I started dating, still no relationships of note, but began to wonder if I did want kids, because when you’re dating, it kind of matters. Then, as I got a little older, my friends started marrying and having babies, so I began to consider it more seriously. Then, it hit me like a ton of bricks when I turned 29. I realised maybe I actually did want kids.

If anything, my desire for kids and a supportive relationship has strengthened. Unfortunately, being 30 now, this has brought on a whole other kind of existential crisis. I’ve realised I would love to have kids, but I often wrestle with whether I feel equipped to provide the environment I believe is necessary to raise healthy, happy and well-rounded children.

Hannah*, 26, she/they

I never wanted kids. It was only recently that I started to flirt with the idea of getting married but my decision to become a parent hasn’t changed. I just think the world we live in is too cruel to navigate, even as an adult, so I couldn’t imagine bringing a child into it.

As a career-driven woman, there is always the underlying question of what I would have to compromise or give up to have a child. I love my job so much and honestly wouldn’t want anything to change that.

Priya*, 36, she/her

There wasn’t a single, defining moment when I realised I wanted kids. For me, the desire had always been there. I do think there came a moment where it felt possible, though. I wanted them, and suddenly there was a chance for it to become reality and it didn’t feel scary.

I have two daughters now and I feel as good about the decision as I ever did, even better perhaps! As someone who always wanted children (steadily, unwaveringly, always), building a family and becoming a mother has honestly felt like my dreams coming true, as sappy and naff as that sounds.

Grace*, 28, she/her

I’ve personally never wanted them. I just don’t feel the pull naturally. I went through a period in my mid-twenties when I thought I did, as did my partner.

But the more we talked about it, the more we realised that we didn’t want to. Really, we wanted to relive the experiences of our childhood through someone else. We had very little interest in that life if it didn’t look as idyllic as we imagined. That’s obviously not the right reason to have kids, so we’re not going to.

Alicia*, 36, she/her

I grew up with parents who didn’t love each other but stayed together despite engaging in conflict daily. Years later, when I asked my mother why she never left, she said she didn’t want to damage our perception of love. I’m deeply grateful for her sacrifice, but witnessing it shaped how I view relationships, particularly the belief that happiness must be sacrificed for children. I’ve worked through that wound and made peace with it, yet part of me feels like I’m honouring her by not having kids.

Many women seem to follow certain criteria when it comes to ‘womanhood’, without questioning whether it’s right for them. I see both the highs and the lows of it through my relatives and friends. At times, some have even shared feelings of regret, which can be triggering for me. Regardless, I remain deeply supportive of their choices and I think it’s important to be a safe space for my friends who want to talk about it.

Sam*, 20, she/her

I used to be afraid of starting a family because of the responsibility. I’ve always loved children but I saw how much my mum struggled as a single parent. I didn’t want to go through that too.

It was only after meeting my partner that I knew I wanted to have children. At the beginning of our relationship, we talked about our goals and what we wanted for our futures. Hearing him talk about the excitement of being a father has made us so excited to start a family and have children.

I’m also a teacher and watching children grow and progress is so rewarding. Having a mini-me and guiding them through life feels really exciting to me.

*Names have been changed for privacy.

For more on parenthood, try this.