I want to explore non-monogamy but my partner doesn’t, can we compromise?

How to navigate opening up a relationship.

Finding someone you love deeply feels kind of like a miracle. You can see a delicious future and someone to share it with – filled with milestones, date nights at new restaurants and holidays all over the world. But the reality is, no two people fit together perfectly. After all, everyone was raised a little differently. 

I’m not particularly traditional in any form; I’ve always enjoyed my relationships being a little out of the ordinary. My partner, however, has never explored the world outside of monogamy, nor does he particularly want to.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

Monogamy isn’t necessarily a deal breaker, but how much compromise is too much? Most importantly, how should we navigate sticky topics without making the other person feel bad? To find out more about navigating an open relationship, I spoke with Aleks Trkulja, Sex and Relationships Therapist at The Pleasure Centre.

How popular is non-monogamy right now?

I would say it’s pretty popular! There are a lot of people who are curious about exploring ethical non-monogamy, [but] there are very few that are seasoned at it… people are coming to sex therapy for support on how to do it.

How does an open relationship differ from non-monogamy? 

An open relationship can mean you have a primary partner that you may have previously been monogamous with. You are now opening up your current relationship to include dating and having sex with other people, [people] who are not necessarily involved in your romantic relationship. Partners outside of your primary relationship may not have the same emotional intimacy. 

Ethical non-monogamy is a broad umbrella term that we use to describe different relationship dynamics that are not the same as traditional monogamous relationships… [ones] we’re often conditioned to believe are ‘normal’. Open relationships may fall under this term, but ethical non-monogamy can also be inclusive of polyamory (and so many other variations). 

How can we start opening up a relationship? 

The very first place to start is by letting your partner know you are thinking about [non-monogamy] and are interested in it. That doesn’t necessarily mean anything has to change straight away. It’s really important to talk… it’s not an ultimatum, it’s an open and respectful conversation where ‘no’ is respected just as much as ‘yes’.

If you want to take the next step, try engaging in lots of resources like podcasts, articles and [other’s] lived experiences, as well as getting support. Seeing a relationship therapist can help you with any rough spots in the conversation. 

If one partner is having a hard time opening the relationship, what do you suggest? 

If you want to open up the relationship and someone else doesn’t, you need to be able to respect that and consider if you’re willing to stay in the relationship if [non-monogamy] is taken off the table. We need to really respect if someone is uncomfortable about opening up the relationship and if they don’t want to do it, they don’t have to. You decide what your emotional capacity is, and if you don’t have the capacity for it, don’t do it. 

If someone is uncomfortable, respect that discomfort and do not pressure them. Instead, move at their pace. If they’re curious but a little unsure, be okay with that pace – they’re trying their best. 

How should we navigate any jealousy that arises? 

Jealousy is a really natural emotion. I see jealousy as an emotion that comes up when there’s something we desire or value, but feel like we don’t have enough of. You can move through it, but it needs to be processed together. If one person is jealous, they need to take responsibility and communicate [by saying], “I need some more reassurance from you”. [Let] your partner know what you need. It’s a natural part of open relationships, learning to support each other’s emotional states. 

Can jealousy be a good and healthy thing?

Jealousy can be healthy, it’s just reflecting what you feel you need more of! And what you desire and value. Think of jealousy as a reminder of where you could be putting effort into meeting more of your needs. However, it can become disruptive, unhealthy or abusive when mismanaged. 

What are some of the benefits of trying an open relationship?

It can really encourage you to go deeper with your communication and connection in a relationship – if you do it properly. You have to literally talk about [your relationship] until you are sick of talking about it. That really allows you to build a bond with your partner [by] practising caring for each other.

And it can be fun to date again! It’s the silliness, the excitement of flirting and feeling that spark with people… then coming home to a partner who is excited for you. It can really strengthen your relationship.

There’s a lot of nuance in the world of non-monogamy and trying to go open isn’t easy, but the key seems to be about removing pressure and enhancing communication.

For more resources from Aleks, head here.