The best oral sex techniques on someone with a vulva, according to a sexologist

A guide to giving head.

The vulva (and its surrounds) have long been treated like a puzzle, something far too complex for anyone to fully wrap their heads around. Sure, it doesn’t help that for decades we’ve lived in a world that prioritises men’s pleasure. From the orgasm gap, to defining sex exclusively through the act of penetration, many of our sexual scripts have been written in favour of men.

But in today’s world, with the endless supply of female-designed sex toys and online educators helping dismantle these ideas, there’s no room for excuses. Whatever your orientation, it’s time to flip the sexual script – starting with cunnilingus.

For more sex-related stories, head to our Health section.

According to certified sex, relationships and body image therapist and founder of The Pleasure Centre, Aleks Trkulja, there are a few things to keep in mind before going down. From anatomy (“If you don’t know where things are, don’t bother”) to positioning (“Do they want to be on their back? Standing up against a wall? Bent over in front of you?”), giving head is as much about the process as it is reaching the end goal.

Fashion Journal: What are the first things to be conscious of before going down on another woman or person with a vulva?

Aleks: The first thing to consider before going down on a woman is consent. This includes being informed about each other’s sexual health status. Ask questions like “Is there anything I need to know about your sexual health status?” Or “When was your last STI check?”. This is also a great time to discuss any barrier methods you might be interested in using. This might include finger condoms, dams or condoms.

Consent also relates to touch and sexual behaviours. Some people don’t like giving and receiving oral sex, so it’s best to check in. A simple request or offer is a great way to start: “Can I go down on you?”.

What do I need to know about anatomy?

You need to know everything about anatomy. If you don’t know where things are, don’t bother touching them until you learn it. It’s like me walking onto a construction site with a hammer and not knowing what nails are. I’ll just be hammering things that are pointless to hammer.

Your understanding of anatomy will make it much easier to explore pleasure for yourself and your partners. Focus on all parts but also what touch brings pleasure. This varies between people, so using a variety of touch on all parts of the genitals as a way to explore.

So, should I dive straight in or start with some foreplay first?

Rather than diving straight in, consider building arousal. Start with ‘outer-course’ (because foreplay suggests something else is coming when maybe oral sex is enough). This might include kissing, dry humping, the sensual touch of erogenous zones or stroking.

Move slowly and check in with the receiver, ask questions like “does this feel good?”, “how does this feel?”, or “what else do you want?” are good check-in questions especially if you’re getting to know what someone else likes.

This isn’t a race, and orgasm is not the goal. Pleasure is the measure, so stay curious and present. It doesn’t hurt to give people reassurance that they look, feel and taste nice. Part of building arousal might be describing your own arousal about giving and what you’re enjoying.

What comes next?

Make sure your hands and fingers are clean and that nails aren’t sharp, dirty or jagged. Use your fingers, or palm of the hand to gently stroke or rub the vulva and clitoris. You can also use your lips to kiss and suck the clitoris, or your tongue to trace over the inner labia and vaginal opening.

With consent, you may want to insert one finger into the vagina to begin. If the receiver wants multiple digits, you may want to pair fingering motions with tongue stimulation of the clitoris. Consider what positions the receiver feels most comfortable in. Do they want to be on their back? Standing up against a wall? Bent over in front of you?

Is there anything I can do to prolong their orgasm, or make it better?

There are two key factors to orgasm. Duration and stimulation. You need to know exactly what stimulation is pleasurable for the receiver. Otherwise it won’t build the tension needed for orgasm. You also need to stimulate the vulva for enough time. Too little time won’t be enough for orgasm to build and for the receiver to reach climax.

One way to build the intensity of orgasm is to edge your partner. This means stimulating them and as arousal grows, pulling away, and starting again.

What else should I keep in mind?

If you’re unsure, ask. Giving and receiving feedback during sex is a lot like going to a massage and telling the masseur you need more or less pressure, and what body parts need attention.

Some people with vulvas might experience pain upon penetration. You can still pleasure them externally if they are comfortable with that. Use resources like lubricant and toys to enhance the receivers experience.

Notice their body language. Are they moaning? Grinding their hips? Has their breath changed? Are they pushing themselves into you, or pulling you into them? Those are good signs.

Find more of Alek’s work here.