Ask A Sex Therapist: A beginner’s guide to pegging

“For a lot of people, pegging is a way to push boundaries during sex – but for others, they come up against fear, shame and guilt.”

Laura Miano is a sex therapist based in Melbourne and co-founder of sex toy concept store Posmo. Her mission is to empower people to create a more fulfilling sex life and to support those who might like to explore their sexuality beyond cultural norms. To learn more about her, follow @lauramianosexology or contact her here.

I’m a cis female interested in exploring pegging with my cis partner (we’re in a heterosexual relationship) but I’m not sure how to broach the subject. What do I need to know before having that conversation? – Pegging Curious

Hi Curious,

I’m so glad you asked! With the right knowledge, open communication and plenty of lube, pegging can provide plenty of fun mutual play. While it might seem a little intimidating at first, it’s fun to explore new frontiers in your sex life with a willing partner.

What exactly is pegging?

Traditionally, pegging describes a cis heterosexual woman wearing a strap-on dildo and having anal sex with a cis, heterosexual male partner. It doesn’t have to fall into this binary, of course – anyone is welcome to peg or be pegged (consensually). But considering you are in a cis-heterosexual relationship, I’ll be speaking to pegging specifically within that couple dynamic.

And for those who don’t know, a strap on is typically comprised of two parts – a harness and a dildo. The harness is usually made from leather or nylon, worn around the hips and legs. It typically has a ring around the mons pubis area for a dildo to attach to. 

Why is there a taboo around pegging?

As we’ve talked about previously, anal play and anal sex are often attached to a certain social stigma. When it comes to pegging, the switch-up of gender and sexual dynamics can feel a little taboo. For many first-time peggers and pegees, this taboo exists for a few reasons.

Anal play stigma

Simply put, the act of pegging demonstrates that the man enjoys anal sex. Despite the prostate gland being packed with feel-good nerve endings, male anal play often has a stigma of being ‘gay’. A reminder – the way you experience pleasure has nothing to do with your sexual orientation.

When you were in the womb, your body wasn’t told your sexual preferences and made to adjust accordingly – that’s obviously total nonsense! If you or your partner is avoiding something in the bedroom because it’s seen as ‘gay’, use this as an opportunity to get introspective. Open your mind and take the time to question whether you’re experiencing internalised homophobia.

And again, most cis men will find they have dense neural networks along their anal passage and around their prostate. This elicits a lot of pleasure. So anal sex is not gay – it’s a place where people experience pleasure.

Gender role switch-up

In the dynamic of giving/receiving penetration, being penetrated (by a dildo or otherwise) might be perceived as the more submissive role. Through the switch-up of giving and receiving, pegging contradicts hegemonic masc culture. This culture promotes the idea that men are meant to be in control and women are meant to be submissive – flip those roles and men are seen as ‘weak’ and less masculine.

And as pegging falls outside of perceived ‘sexual norms’ (which are subjective, by the way), it falls under the wide-reaching umbrella of kink. A kink is anything that transgresses your definition of conventional sex, which leads to the existence of kink shame. 

For a lot of people, pegging is a way to push boundaries during sex – but for others, they come up against fear, shame and guilt when attempting to transgress those boundaries.  

Start the conversation

To begin, have a chat with each other. It’s best to do this at a time when you’re both present in the conversation. If you raise it during the heat of a sexual experience, bring it up again at a time when you are thinking more rationally. This will avoid any surprises down the track.

Talk to your partner about your desire to try pegging, and explain why it appeals. You might be interested because you heard friends chatting about it, you saw it in porn, read about it in an erotic novel, heard a sex educator discuss it, or perhaps you saw a strap on or harnessable dildo in a sex store like Posmo. 

Explaining your motivations will get the conversation started and allow you to work through that aforementioned stigma. If it sounds appealing and mutually beneficial, your partner might be more open to considering it.  

Get some new toys

A good way to get excited is by purchasing some new products. You can get these together or separately, depending on what you and your partner want. Shopping for new toys is an effective way to build eroticism and get in the mood for sex.

For pegging basics, you’ll need a harness and a harnessable dildo. At Posmo, we sell products for a range of different preferences. In terms of harnesses, we have the Everlaster Stud Harness – a sturdy, adjustable and affordable harness that would make for perfect first-time use.

In terms of harnessable dildos, we have a great selection. For those wanting to feminise the pegging experience, the daisy Jollet is a less phallic-shaped, more flower-covered dildo. We also have harnessable glass dildos like the clear Icicles Curved Ribbed Suction Dildo, which is curved to conveniently target the prostate.

What’s the appeal?

Pegging enables couples to experiment with control and power dynamics during sex. This is the case because, in a heterosexual couple’s relationship, the cis male’s role during sex might be perceived as being more ‘powerful’. Pegging helps to expand our minds beyond these stereotypes, helping couples to explore gender norms in their own relationships.

The cis woman might feel a sense of empowerment when she becomes the penetrator, while the man might enjoy the feeling that comes with relinquishing control. Exploring these gender roles can facilitate insight into how a couple adopts feminine and masculine traits.

In some cases, switching the roles might allow couples to access certain traits they didn’t know they had. This can completely transform how they approach sex in the future. Although, to get the most from this aspect of pegging, being vulnerable is key.

By allowing yourself to really investigate the ideas your mind attaches to certain gender roles, you can learn a lot about yourself and your partner with pegging. As a vulva owner, the novelty of being the penetrator can be really pleasurable.

Once you’re both comfortable and enjoying yourselves, try exploring different positions – like seeing your partner as the bent-over one in doggy style. You can also experience the sensation of moving your hips in an in-and-out direction like those with a penis do; or relish the control of timing and the depth of each thrust while your partner enjoys the pleasure.

The bottom line (pun intended) is that for most, anal sex is pleasurable. Receiving it via a strap-on means for the receiver, their partner’s hands are freed up. This allows for additional broader body pleasure – like rubbing, kissing, stroking, teasing or whatever else turns you both on. This makes for a more full-body experience! 

Any practical advice?

Before you broach the subject of pegging, it’s important to understand your partner might not be down for it – and that’s okay. We’re not all into the same things (that would be very boring) and there’s a whole sexual world to explore.

And for someone who’s wanting to try pegging for the first time? Start by building up the experience! Sometimes, when we’re trying something new, we want to skip straight to the main event. A lot of people become super performance-focused and turn the exploration into a kind of homework task. Inevitably, this makes it harder to get turned on and enjoy the experience. 

So don’t forget the wonderful eroticism and other pleasures of sex. Carry out all of your usual foreplay and pleasuring activities, like kissing, flirting, broader body touching, oral sex, etc. Setting an erotic mood will get you both feeling turned on and relaxed. Attempting pegging in a more aroused, less nervous state will make the experience more comfortable for both of you.

Finally, don’t forget one of the most important aspects of sex – communication! Once you’ve established you and your partner are ready to give pegging a go, continue to check in with each other. Share what you’re feeling (positive or negative) and affirm each other when something feels particularly good.

Start pegging!

Now you’ve reached the good part! Set your sexual intention – what are you looking for from this experience? Once you’ve established that, the kind of position you do is up to both of you, and there are a few to choose from. Doggy, spooning and standing (even in the shower?) are all good options.

Whichever position you choose, remember to take it slow and use lots of lube (silicone is best for a non-silicone dildo). If you’re new to anal, you can build up to a bigger dildo with dilators, too. Using a smaller toy like the Icicles Curved Black Suction Dildo is also a good place to start before moving to something bigger. 

This article was originally published on April 4, 2022.

 For more on pegging, head here.