The ugly truth: How I’m navigating the reality of pregnancy self-image struggles

“My complexion was grey, my skin and lips were dry, random pimples had appeared, and my hair was frizzy and oily at the same time.”

What I envisioned pregnancy to be like compared to the reality I’ve experienced is a stark contrast. “You’ll be glowing,” they said. “You’ll feel empowered,” they said. What they didn’t mention was the long list of awful symptoms that make you feel far from the radiant pregnant goddess you imagined. It’s important to note that everyone’s experience is completely different, and for those fortunate ones who breezed through, I say, I’m happy for you mumma. But for others like me who have been led down Struggle Street, I’m here to say I feel you.

I’ve recently transitioned from my first trimester, and boy am I happy to say goodbye to this period. I was nauseated the entire time, to the point where I could not move from the couch and the smell of certain foods, like cooked vegetables and meat, made me queasy. Although I did not experience any vomiting, it did feel like I was carsick and hungover for the first few weeks. The only things that felt good to eat were cold fruit, Vegemite toast and juice.

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When you feel sick every day, you stop moving, you stop exercising, you stop seeing people. It becomes all too much. I began to feel down as I found myself confined indoors with these challenging symptoms, unable to share my experience with many people. It was isolating, and I felt completely unmotivated and uninspired. I also felt guilty for being so unhappy because, according to society, we’re expected to find this time joyful.

To put it bluntly, I’ve been feeling utterly revolting. I realised I hadn’t taken a photo of myself in weeks, hadn’t put on any nice clothes, and couldn’t be bothered making any effort in my appearance, which only made me feel worse when I looked in the mirror. My complexion was grey, my skin and lips were dry, random pimples had appeared, and my hair was frizzy and oily at the same time. One person even mentioned I looked a bit poorly. Geez, thanks.

But then I would go onto Instagram and see these first-trimester mums making smoothies and little snacks, with their skin looking like a fresh glazed doughnut. I connected with some other soon-to-be mums who also confessed they were feeling completely fine. No symptoms at all, except a few random food cravings. Sigh.

My mental health has suffered from the amount of time I’ve spent rotting on my couch. As someone who’s typically active, I’ve found myself lacking the energy to move my body. A body that’s now feeling sore, bloated and tired. All of a sudden, your breasts are massive and painful, your jeans don’t button up and finding something cute but comfy to wear becomes a challenge. I walk around with my pants unbuttoned, refusing to buy maternity clothes.

The funny thing too (well, not that funny) is in your first trimester, no one can tell you’re pregnant; you just look a little bloated, which isn’t the sexiest feeling. I find myself envying those with larger baby bumps because at least people know what’s going on with their bodies.

I envisioned myself as a soon-to-be mom balancing a full-time work schedule. However, reality hit hard when I fainted on my first day at a new job and completely blacked out on the following day. I quickly realised that I needed to stay working from home which meant I was even more disconnected from people. While I saw other mums carrying on through pregnancy with their normal routines, here I was dropping like a fainting goat whenever I stood up for longer than ten minutes.

Some people have told me it’s a really good sign if you’re feeling sick for the first trimester. I can’t tell if this is just something people made up to make ill pregnant women feel better about themselves or not. But I keep telling myself it will all come good. While some warned me that these symptoms could persist throughout the entire pregnancy, I chose not to entertain that idea. I’m happy to say that, as I step into my second trimester, my persistent all-day sickness (often mislabeled as morning sickness) has begun to ease.

It feels like I’m finally seeing a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Perhaps this is the much-talked-about pregnancy glow. My dehydrated skin could really use some of that right now. Yet, I am beginning to wonder why I ever expected to feel amazing when my body is undergoing such an incredible transformation. I’m the vessel for this precious new life, which is no easy task. But as always, it’s easier to compare yourself to the seemingly perfect lives of others on social media.

There have even been some comments from people on the outside dismissing my symptoms or saying I could probably go back to doing certain things now. Until you’ve experienced this firsthand, I kindly ask that you hold back such remarks. It’s disheartening enough to feel like you can’t do what you would normally do. Believe me, if I could escape this cycle of fainting, reflux and Gilmore Girls reruns, I’d do so in an instant.

If it seems like I’m doing fine when we meet for coffee or catch up briefly, it’s because I’m likely summoning all my strength and energy to maintain a cheerful demeanour, concealing how exhausted, sick and lightheaded I truly feel.

I’m learning to be more transparent with my symptoms to avoid any more blackout episodes. Pushing through them doesn’t seem to be the best course of action in my experience. I certainly now have a deeper respect for mothers; I can honestly say it’s way harder than I expected. I thought I’d just be me with a little baby bump carrying on as normal.

Instead, in the first trimester, you’re dealing with this hidden reality that no one else knows about, enduring what could possibly be the toughest weeks of your life. It’s a time when you need more support than ever. Nonetheless, I’m still optimistic that I will have a few moments at least where I feel cute during this pregnancy.

If you catch me constantly needing to sit down at an outing, juicing oranges because I strangely can’t stand the taste of plain water anymore, or requesting my partner to bring me toast before I get out of bed, I’m not being high-maintenance. I’m simply trying to navigate through another day on this unpredictable rollercoaster called pregnancy. So, hand me those pimple patches and chilled mangoes, while I continue nurturing this little bean inside of me (or rather a lemon, according to my pregnancy app’s size prediction).

For advice on navigating body image issues during pregnancy, head here.