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As a straight woman, here’s why I wanted to be the one to propose

Words and photography by Molly Salmon

“If Gloria Steinem, who once declared marriage obsolete, found herself rewriting her views (and her vows), then I could allow love to reshape mine.”

I once viewed marriage as a relic of a bygone era, a patriarchal institution that confined women to domesticity and stifled their ambitions. Armed with feminist theory and a healthy dose of scepticism, I dismissed the white dress, the grand ceremony, the notion of forever. Until I met Jack.

I had read the feminist texts (de Beauvoir, Steinem, Millet, hooks, et al.) and felt their sentimentality, a shared defiance against expectations: “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle,” Gloria Steinem declared, along with, “You become a semi-nonperson when you get married.”. I just didn’t see the point of a legal bond, my anti-establishment views carried into my love life and I questioned marriage, motherhood and everything that was ever laid out in front of me, as expected.


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But life, as it often does, had other plans. A chance encounter on a tropical island, a whirlwind romance and a profound realisation later, I found myself questioning everything I thought I knew in my twenty-something years and falling deeply in love. 

The man who captured my heart challenged my preconceived ideas about commitment. Our love story began on the Isle of Pines, a commune in the South Province of New Caledonia. The feminist arts student meets a basketball player chasing a turtle, and neither thought they would be engaged just a few years later.

As our relationship deepened, my understanding of love and marriage changed. I realised that marriage, when approached with intention and respect, can be a powerful tool for growth, intimacy and shared purpose. 

Alongside these thoughts,  I also began to question the traditional gendered norms and expectations surrounding weddings. Why should the man always propose? Why should the father ‘give away’ the bride? Why do we adhere to a specific order of events and rituals?

These questions gave me a deeper understanding of the power of choice. If Gloria Steinem, who once declared marriage obsolete, found herself rewriting her views (and her vows), then I could allow love to reshape mine.

When I proposed to Jack, it wasn’t just a declaration of love but also a statement of intent. It was a quiet rebellion, a way of saying, ‘let’s rewrite the narrative and claim it as our own’. We decided to not plan a wedding until or if it felt right but in the meantime, exchange rings and words of promise to commit to grow our life together.

When I talked to Sasha, a fellow twenty-something who I knew through mutual friends, we bonded over our shared view on love and life. She proposed to her boyfriend in Bali after just a few months together, following deep conversations about their future. “It’s about choosing your own path and celebrating your love on your own terms,” she explained. “Rather than a man surprising you with a beautiful ring, it’s about being on the same page and making a conscious decision together.” 

I was interested to hear from Claire, a woman with more life experience than me, with an admiral commitment to her art, values and relationships. She proposed to her boyfriend after a decade together, and told me she noticed “a mania around marriage and weddings” and almost this feeling of “when the boy picks you”. Like Sasha, she felt marriage and proposing were about celebrating their love and commitment on their terms, a thoughtful act of devotion, free from the pressure of societal expectations.

For my proposal to Jack, we walked to a spot and unpacked a picnic and I handed him a note, our preferred medium of love declarations. We had spoken about ‘forever’ but it was still a surprise, something most boys don’t grow up expecting to experience. 

When we told our families, they were surprised but not shocked, as they all expected something out of the ordinary from both of us. My mother still eagerly shares with anyone who’ll listen that her daughter – the one who always challenged tradition and questioned legal and religious institutions like marriage – has now proposed to her boyfriend of eight months.

Jack also wished to propose to me, to be both proposer and proposee. Six months after I popped the question, he surprised me with a ring he had designed with Olivia Cummings from Cleopatra’s Bling. It was a beautiful and unexpected moment, a testament to the beauty of declarations and how rewriting the script doesn’t change any of the excitement. 

Ultimately, my decision to propose as a woman was more than defiance, more than a question. Once I realised this was right, I saw no other option. It was about choosing love with intention and discovering that in rewriting the rules, we walk the most authentic path.

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