A clinical psychologist on why we should be breaking our silence on ageing

“Remember, you don’t need to hold all the answers. You’re simply starting a conversation.”

As a society, and particularly as women, we’ve come a long way in what we’re prepared to talk about. Infertility, miscarriage, depression, anxiety and mental illness, gender identity, sexuality and our bold, glass-ceiling-shattering career ambitions. Yes, there’s still much progress to be made on these fronts, but we’re a lot more willing to have the big conversations. Yet, there is one conversation that continues to be ignored… ageing.

Ageing is the big elephant in all of our living rooms. In a society that fetishises youth, the prospect of ageing is, at best, daunting. At worst, it’s terrifying. Verging on superstition, we cling to the belief that if we can deny and conceal ageing by focusing solely on youth, relegating the aged to live behind closed doors (often literally), then we can deny ageing itself.

For more content like this, browse through our Life section.

However, as a clinical psychologist specialising in older people’s mental health and dementia, I know firsthand that ignoring the issue of ageing doesn’t make it go away. Each and every one of us will be affected by ageing. It’s not a matter of if, but rather when.

While our own journeys through later life may be many decades away, the reality is that, with seventy percent of Australian carers being women and more than one third of carers aged 35 to 54,  we will likely be the ones to care for our ageing parents and loved ones. We’re often called the ‘sandwich generation’, in that we’re sandwiched between caring for our older loved ones at the same time as caring for our children or pursuing our careers. And it creeps up sooner than we’d like to think.

But it’s not all doom and gloom. With the right education and planning, we have the power – more than we realise – to take control of how ageing impacts our lives. Granted, we can’t always control the twists and turns along the ageing journey, but we can absolutely control how we prepare for and respond to these challenges. While ageing is inevitable, our journeys through later life are not predetermined.

We can empower ourselves with the knowledge and tools to better understand what’s going on, know our options, make informed, values-aligned decisions, plan for the future, and ultimately, afford those we love a better journey through later life, while also protecting ourselves from carer burnout.

The first step to unlocking all of this potential, however, is to have the big conversations about ageing. And to start having them now. Here are some practical tips and questions that many of the families I’ve worked with have found helpful in starting the conversation about ageing with their older loved ones.

Ageing needs to become dinner-table conversation

These conversations don’t need to be formal or sterile. Pop on the kettle or open a bottle of wine, sit on the couch, and start talking in a place where both you and your loved one feel relaxed and comfortable.

It’s often helpful to start these conversations one-on-one, rather than having a number of people approach your ageing loved one at the same time, as this may feel a bit threatening (like an ‘intervention’ of sorts). Choose a time where you’re not likely to be interrupted and won’t be cut short.

Start by stating your positive intention

Sometimes, talking about ageing can feel vulnerable or confronting to our older loved ones. Begin by saying something like, “I’d like to speak with you about something that’s very important and likely close to both of our hearts”. You can also refer to families you know who have had conversations about ageing and the benefits of this, or conversely, those that avoided these conversations and how that eventuated.

This isn’t a one-hit wonder

You don’t need to cover everything in one sitting. In fact, it’s important that this conversation is an ongoing one, as your loved one’s priorities, health, circumstances and wishes for the future may well change over time. In terms of framing the conversation, here are some questions that you might find helpful to discuss:

• What does a ‘good day’ look like for you? What brings you a sense of meaning, purpose and joy?
• If you could wave a magic wand, how would you like to age? Where would you live, how would you spend your days, how would you feel within yourself?
• If you were to become unwell and required care, what would you want this to look like? Would you be cared for at home, or want to move into a more supported environment, such as a retirement village or residential aged care home? Who would you want to care for you – your children, friends, professional carers? Have you thought about how you might pay for the care and accommodation you want?
• Do you want to start working, together, on putting some plans in place for the future? You could suggest seeking advice from your loved one’s GP or reach out to ageing-related organisations like My Aged Care in Australia or Eldercare Locator in the USA.

Remember, you don’t need to hold all the answers. You’re simply starting a conversation about ageing. A conversation that can ultimately determine the quality of your loved one’s final years (and, in turn, the quality of your life as a carer) far beyond the measure of time or any diagnosis.

Melissa Levi is a clinical psychologist the author of We Need to Talk About Ageing (Hachette Australia, $34.99), available here.