I’m not ready to date, but I feel lonely when I’m single

“There are no set rules or science to indicate when you’re ready to date, but I would say that there are some things to consider that can help.”

One thing about me is that I’m very good at self-reflection. Almost too good, I would say. I spend a lot of time reflecting on almost everything I do, say, think and feel. My ability for introspection is one of the main skills that helps me cope with day-to-day life. Being able to calmly reflect on the noise in my brain enables me to pick myself up and move on from tough situations.

Because I spend so much time digging around in my own mind, I have a tendency to know exactly how I’m feeling and what I intend to do about it. Something I’ve noticed lately is that although I’m not overly interested in dating, I feel lonely quite a lot of the time. I work a lot and when I’m not working I’m trying to spend time with family and friends.

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Generally, I feel very fulfilled and satisfied in my life, but I’ve realised what’s missing – and what I’m craving – is physical touch. It’s something we all need, and I’m really noticing that absence right now. After much reflection, I realised that this is probably normal and that many other people may experience feelings similar to my own. Life tends to get in the way of things, and we might not be in the headspace to even think about romance and intimacy, let alone be physically and emotionally vulnerable with someone.

I decided that in order to get to the bottom of these feelings, I needed to find out more about how to approach dating when you’re in a bit of a strange headspace (kind of a dating limbo, as I like to think of it). I reached out to Shantal Lourie, a psychologist and the co-founder of Cope Psychology, to have a chat about dating and the pressures surrounding it. 

Firstly, why do you think there’s societal pressure to be in a relationship?   

Without getting too theoretical, according to Maslow’s hierarchy of needs, love and belongingness is our third most important need, after the fulfilment of our physiological and safety requirements. Simply put, as humans we need and we thrive from connection. Some people can experience feelings of loneliness or anxiety in the absence of having a sense of love and belonging which can, in turn, create pressure to be in a relationship.

This pressure can lead to unhelpful negative biases about being single. While these social norms are continuously questioned and re-evaluated, there are many people who report experiencing both internal and external pressure to be in a relationship. But we can still feel a sense of love and belongingness, even if we’re not in an intimate relationship. There are many other types of relationships that can help us to still feel that sense of love, belonging and connection, such as those with family, friends, colleagues, community, animals, nature and so on. 

How can you know when you’re ready to date? 

There are no set rules or science to indicate when you’re ready to date, but I would say that there are some things to consider that can help. Firstly, it’s important to reflect on your past relationships, specifically things that you might have learnt from previous experiences. Even if you haven’t had many [or any] past relationships, it’s good to have a really sound understanding of what you would like to get out of a relationship, as well as what you’d like to put into one. It’s important to think about your own interests, hobbies and values.

It’s also important to become comfortable with recognising how you feel and expressing that. If you’re not sure how you feel about certain situations, or you have a hard time letting other people know what your needs are, entering into a relationship could potentially be harmful. This is because you may fall into what the other person wants from you, and risk putting your needs second. 

What advice do you have for people who feel anxious about stepping into the dating scene? 

Often anxiety occurs when we’re not in the present moment – we’re worried about things that have happened before or in the future, thinking about things that might go wrong, or what someone might be thinking about us. Something that can help with that is trying to be present-focused: focusing on how you’re feeling in that moment, on the conversation, on what’s happening right in front of you. You can use the five senses as one way of helping with that [by focusing on what each sense is noticing]. 

It can be helpful to practise things in small steps. If someone hasn’t had much experience dating, or they’ve had a break from it, they might feel out of practice. In this scenario, don’t plan a big, lengthy date, but maybe start with a coffee or a walk – something that perhaps even if you’re out of your comfort zone, you won’t have to do for too long.

Hopefully, regardless of whether that’s the person for you or not, you feel a sense of accomplishment for putting yourself out there. Oftentimes, dating is just about not only figuring out if you like the other person but just kind of getting a chance to see how you feel when you’re around them. So if at the end of it, you’ve learned what you like and what you don’t, what’s made you comfortable and uncomfortable, then it’s hopefully still been a worthwhile experience.

What’s your opinion of dating apps? How do you think they have contributed to dating anxiety? 

Dating apps are a bit of a double-edged sword. They can be really helpful, especially as a means of connecting people who may not have otherwise ever met, and it certainly makes meeting new people more accessible. But there are a few risks. With dating apps, we’re very dependent on connecting based on looks alone, and as we know, what we see isn’t always reality. 

I think it’s important to take everything that we see with a grain of salt and know that what we put out there may not always be a true representative of ourselves and vice versa. Finally, if you’re not matching with a lot of people, try not to take that as an indication of your self-worth. Keep in mind that the success [we see] from these apps just can’t be generalised to our individual worth as a person. 

How do you reconcile feeling anxious yet desiring intimacy? 

It can sometimes be hard because they are opposing feelings, but it’s very normal. I think the first thing is to become really good at identifying your feelings and really work[ing] through why those feelings of anxiety are there. If you have a great understanding of how your anxiety is presenting and why it’s there, you can then come up with ways to manage that. If you feel the need to avoid [it] you might work on small exposure. If you’ve noticed that it’s connected to the way you think about things, pay attention to your thoughts and work on reframing that. 

That way, you still have the option of connecting with other people and getting intimacy without the anxiety completely overriding the whole experience. Additionally, just being able to have continuous reflection is key. If you’re constantly reflecting, you might be able to still go on a date if you would like to, but in a way, that’s going to potentially set you up for success. And the biggest thing throughout the whole dating process is to continue checking in with yourself so that you can notice when you need to recover; you can notice your anxiety spiking and work through it.

For advice on getting back into dating after a dry spell, try this.