What I wish I’d asked my partner before moving in

Am I picking the right person to live with?

When we talk about the fairytale notion of a ‘happily ever after’, moving in with a partner is viewed as a necessary step. As someone who went from living in their family home to living alone in a small apartment, it took some adjustment when combining my life with my partner’s. I took enormous solace in my own space, my own time and my own routine. Would I ever have that again?

We’d only been dating a few months when the initial conversation arose. 10 short months down the track and I was in. You might’ve come across this phrase by entrepreneur and author Derek Sivers: “If it’s not a hell yes, then it’s a no”. This was something my boyfriend swore by, so I never questioned his commitment. Even so, it’s still entirely valid to ask yourself, are you picking the right person to live with?

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

My partner and I met during the pandemic. Like so many others, we were faced with a choice – lockdown together or lockdown alone. For some, quarantine slammed the brakes on their relationships. We floored the accelerator.

Would I have liked to traverse the globe on an overseas holiday before moving in together? Absolutely. I did have niggling concerns. What if I’m dating a person who applauds when the plane touches down? Or someone who insists on being at the airport five hours early? Gratefully and mercifully, he is neither.

Looking back, there were questions I wish I had asked before we started living together. There are the simple ones like, are you a morning person or a night owl? I lay somewhere in the middle, resembling more of a permanently exhausted pigeon who simply must have 10 hours of sleep a night to function. Not ideal, I’m fully aware. I could get away with that living separately, but will he be accepting of the fact I’m not capable of holding a pre-caffeinated conversation?

There were others too, such as, how many times do you snooze the alarm and how long do you take to get ready? Personally, I’m up and out the door in 15 minutes. My partner, on the other hand, will take a full hour to potter around before going through his morning routine. Earplugs have become my best friend, but that’s okay. When your routines are intertwined, you’re forced to learn these idiosyncrasies about one another.

There are certainly more pressing questions to consider for such a milestone decision, like why you’re choosing to move in together. The motivation behind your decision is essential. Is it because it financially makes the most sense? Conversations about money, paying bills and sharing responsibilities of the household are difficult, but ultimately necessary if you want living together to work.

As couples counsellor Nicole Logue tells me, understanding the other person’s expectations around a happy living environment is important. “Many people might see living together as a further commitment to one another and hope a successful de facto relationship results in marriage and family. For others, it might simply be for practical reasons, such as sharing costs,” she says.

“When dating, people often attempt to [present] their best [self to] their partner. When living together, differences may emerge. Those who are introverted or perhaps [are] having a particularly stressful day [may use] the home as a time-out [and] might appear distant or uninterested in their partner.”

She mentions conflict typically arises around themes of “inequitable domestic responsibility allocation” and parenting. “Those responsibilities aren’t often formally discussed before moving in together, and during the honeymoon period, they are minimised and let go of, only to later become an issue,” Nicole says.

Communication becomes pivotal. Prior to being in a relationship, I never properly thought about how I handled conflict. Turns out, I’m not great. I tend to get overwhelmed easily by my emotions and often shut down because I don’t fully understand how to communicate my feelings. But my partner can regulate his emotions in a way I’ve never seen before.

Nicole says having regular discussions about how you live together is important. “During those conversations, partners can focus on what is working well and what they enjoy about living together, as well as any issues they might have.”

She adds that healthy relationships are built on compatibility, mutual romantic interest, friendship, effective communication and the willingness for both to compromise and see the best in each other. (And in my opinion, a healthy understanding of whose ice cream tub is whose.)

“[Seeing your] romantic partner [also] as a housemate is important [for] maintaining good communication, explaining your boundaries and expectations while continuing to see your relationship grow and develop,” she explains.

Couples in healthy relationships also argue, have different opinions, feel frustrated and sometimes insecure. What makes a solid relationship is how you choose to move through those challenges together – living under the same roof or not.

Want to know if you and your partner are ready to move in together? Find out here.