“I’m in awe of the life I’m living”: Why my Saturn return was my most transformative year yet

“This year around the sun has made me believe that if we listen to ourselves and trust our instincts, we’ll always find the right people, places and paths.”

This time last year I was in the southeast of Sicily, in a town called Modica, known for its chocolate and fine dining restaurants. It was one of the most beautiful places I’d ever been. It was also one of the loneliest times of my life.

I’d been travelling for a few weeks with my boyfriend and some of our friends. Things hadn’t been good between us for a while, but the trip had been planned for months and I thought that maybe it would help. Or if not, that it would be a nice way to see the relationship off. You know, have one final hurrah in Italy. 

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But on the night of my birthday, I found myself sitting at a grand round oak table in a fancy Michelin-star restaurant, feeling empty. Something just didn’t feel right. I knew that I wasn’t in the right place or with the right people, despite being in my favourite country in the world with the person I was supposed to love and feel loved by the most. 

The realisation hit me hard and fast and it made me feel tired. Like that moment you know you’ve had one too many wines in the sun and need to go to bed. I didn’t even feel like getting drunk on Vermentino and roaming the streets of Modica solo, causing mischief. I just wanted to go home to Melbourne and start again.

I woke up the next day, groggy from an argument we’d had about what we were going to do about our relationship. I suggested we go on a break when we got back, and take some space. He told me he didn’t want to go on a break, and that that wasn’t fair on him. I knew it was over.

I sat on the bathroom floor of the whimsical Airbnb we’d booked – because it was a celebration, after all – and let tears stream down my face. On birthdays, even more so than other days, you really want to feel seen by those around you. I felt anything but.  

The next morning, I rolled over and opened Instagram, my eyes still salty from the dried-up tears. The first post on my feed was an advertisement for a cute rental next door to one of my favourite bars back in Melbourne. A light went on inside my body. I sat up in bed, suddenly awake. 

I know the guys who own the bar and manage the Instagram, so I messaged them straight away: “I’d love to move in. I need this. I’ll be back in Melbourne in two weeks, can you save it for me?” I messaged. “Sure, see you when you get back,” they replied. 

I don’t have any family in Melbourne, and I knew I’d need some support post-breakup – a little apartment next door to one of my favourite bars on the prettiest street in Melbourne felt like divine intervention. 

And that’s where this story gets good. It’s now been a year since my last birthday and I’m sitting in the living room of that apartment next to my favourite bar and I feel worlds apart from where I was last year. It’s been a crazy and challenging year. It’s also been the best one yet.

Today I’m 28, and last year, as it turns out, was my Saturn return. To the uninitiated, your Saturn return is an astrological event that takes place between the ages of 27 to 29 and a half. It’s known for being a time of immense personal growth and upheaval, but one that ultimately results in you living a life that’s more authentically you.

If the past year hadn’t been so life-changing, I wouldn’t really think my Saturn return meant anything at all. But maybe it does. It has to. This year has been brimming with full-circle moments and shifts in perspective. I started the year feeling like I was reeling from an emotional tornado. I felt seriously flawed and was highly critical of myself.

I went into my favourite bar in the mornings when they all had coffee and cried a lot. They patiently kept telling me that I’d be okay. I started the year deciding I didn’t need to kiss people to feel content. There was no vacuum that needed filling anymore, only space for icing and a few cherries if they promised to add something extra special. I started the year vowing I’d only do things that felt right. 

If you’d told me last year that I’d be here now, I’d be relieved to know that I’d be sitting in my dream apartment on my own with all my own things, writing about my year, having just come home from three hours of ballroom dancing practice and feeling the happiest I’ve ever felt. 

Maybe I wouldn’t have spent so many nights crying myself to sleep or so many mornings worrying that I’d woken up tired again, with no desire to leave the house or talk to other humans. I might’ve let the heartbreak sink in a little harder. I might not have feared that I’d forgotten how to love myself. 

This year, I lost my nonno. In the same week, I lost my job. I threw my hands up in the air and said “Take me!” to the world because it seemed like it wanted to and I couldn’t see any other option. As it turns out, the death of a beloved family member brings people together in a way that’s more beautiful than I could’ve ever imagined. It also turns out that losing a job can light up the path to where you really ought to be going. And it can teach you to let go in the process. 

It’s also been about a year since I started going to therapy. My first session was a few weeks before I went to Italy with my ex. I really needed someone to talk to but I didn’t want to talk to anyone I knew. I remember sitting on the couch in the trackies I’d been wearing for that entire week, wrapped in a duvet like a burrito and unable to hold it together in front of a stranger on Zoom. She listened and gently suggested that I was hurting and that it was okay to show her. She’s taught me a lot about myself since then. 

Right now, as I look around, I’m in awe of the life I’m living, because it’s the life I dreamed of. I feel a sense of calm I’ve never felt before which I guess could be put down to getting older but I think it’s mostly because I’ve finally figured out that the only thing I can control is the faith I have in myself. 

Truthfully, I was heartbroken when my ex and I broke up. Even now, writing this down, I feel a real sense of sadness because I really loved him and I know he really loved me too. It’s devastating when two people who love each other are just not right together. Even still, it was a hard relationship to leave.

But I’m so glad my inner voice found its way out and I made the series of decisions it took to be here right now. I’m so grateful for all of the people who have broken my heart, and the people whose hearts I’ve broken. I’m happy about all the jobs I’ve had, the degrees I’ve half-finished, the decisions I knew weren’t quite right but I was too afraid to not make. 

Because now I can sit comfortably in silence, with myself, a bowl of pasta and my own words, in this little apartment I love so much and I can just be me. If you’re still reading, thank you for coming on this self-indulgent reflective Saturn return journey with me. I’m not sure I’ve even done it justice. 

I think it’s just comforting to know that everything we could ever need lives right inside of us. This year around the sun has made me believe that if we listen to ourselves and trust our instincts, we’ll always find the right people, places and paths. Happy birthday, me. 

For advice on surviving your Saturn return, head here.