Sexologist Chantelle Otten’s guide to taking masturbation to a whole new level

An exclusive excerpt on masturbation from Chantelle’s upcoming book, The Sex Ed You Never Had.

Do you remember the first time you masturbated? I do. And it’s something I have committed to continue to develop as I know that it makes me happier, less irritable and calmer. But I know that there are times where I haven’t exactly made it ‘quality’ self-pleasure.

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Maybe I would multitask, or rush to the finish line and ‘bang one out’, which kind of takes the sensation part of it out. I wasn’t getting the most out of the experience, and I know a lot of others don’t either. This guide to a week of self-pleasure should get you feeling as good as you deserve to feel. Notice the different sensations and start worshipping your own body.

Night one

Have a shower or bath and just chill out. Lie in your bed and feel the sheets against your skin. No music. No visual cues. Run your fingers up your belly and over your chest, down your arm. Then run down your pelvis and inner thigh. Take some time to explore the different sensations of your fingers on your skin. Then lightly stroke around your genitals. Can you breathe in and out slowly, sensually?

What if you imagine that air coming out of your genitals when you breathe out? Work in circular motions around your genitals before you start focusing on them, continuing to breathe. Bring yourself to pleasure slowly. Build up and up. There is no goal. I’m not going to tell you that you need to orgasm, because you don’t. I just want you to focus on slow pleasure and feeling your clean skin on the sheet.

Night two

What do you hope to achieve with solo sensual play? It can be as simple as learning something new about yourself or as grandiose as five orgasms in a row, sleeping well, or being happier or calmer. It just has to be honest. Your intention will help to focus your practice and connect it to the rest of your life. Remember, though, that an intention is not an agenda. You don’t have to accomplish anything to give self-pleasure a purpose. You are the purpose.

Next, commit to at least twenty minutes of personal pleasure time. This is about exploration, not rushing to climax. Set a timer and get ready to explore. Now, time to breathe. Don’t roll your eyes at me! Breathing is important. Inhale so that your abdomen expands. Once your belly is fully inflated, exhale, drawing your belly button towards your spine. Continue this for a few cycles.

Imagine your breath as light or energy flowing down the front of your body as you inhale and… out of your genitals as you exhale. Breathing slow…  one… two… three in, then slowwwwwwly out your genitals. That’s it. See what happens if you touch yourself (or not) while you are breathing out through your genitals. It’s amazing. TRUST ME. When your timer dings, you can always continue if you want more!

 

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Night three

Tonight we are about setting the scene. Be your own perfect lover and ask yourself, ‘What do I need to feel good?’ Lots of people like candles and sensual music, but is that what you like? Be personal and specific. Silk pillows? A cup of tea? A hot bath? Tonight is a ritual celebration of you, so choose to pamper yourself and engage as many of your senses as possible. When you have found your sensual place then it’s time to bring out your fingers and your vibe. Think of something hot. Maybe a past experience, perhaps a scene in a movie, or a fantasy of yours? We want to turn the mind on, then the body will follow.

We are practising self-love from the mind down. Self-love is more than self-pleasure. The aim is not only to make yourself feel good but to accept, value and revere yourself. So take a minute to affirm that you and your body are a team. Then compliment your teammate. Acknowledge the miracle of having a heart that beats or a nose that smells. Focus on what is remarkable about your body. Start touching your body, sticking to the PG zones at first – your face, arms, feet. Then move to the more receptive areas like the neck or stomach. You’re not trying to stimulate yourself yet, just releasing tension and awakening pleasure.

If you have a vibrator then whip it out, or if you prefer your fingers, that’s fine too. Massage yourself, starting at the outside of your erogenous zones (breasts, vulva, penis) and working your way in until you find the perfect spot. Experiment with levels of arousal. When you get your climactic response to a nine out of ten, try to bring it back down to a seven (let your climax drop). After that, edge up, building the climax again.

Do this a few times, edging yourself up towards orgasm and down again. You can practise your breathing tonight again, breathing in through your nose and out through your genitals. When you’re ready, allow yourself to fully and freely release. Try to picture your sexual flow as a light bursting up and out of your genitals. Let it linger. Savour the feeling, the lightness. Recover slowly, lay there for a while.

Night four

Tonight is all about nude dancing. Don’t be afraid! Lock a door, crank the heater and take those clothes off. It’s time to get down and dirty to the music. Dancing releases so much erotic energy, and it’s the perfect opportunity to shake off any shame. You are here to be free, to let loose and to move that body! Go, have fun! If you want, you could do a striptease for yourself and film it. How does your body look when it is moving sensually?

Night five

When was the last time you admired yourself in the mirror? Prepping for a date is fun, but prepping for yourself is even more fun. Play with your looks, put on spicy outfits, put on my sex playlist (look up ‘Sex Vol 1’ on Spotify!), and take some photos of yourself. Yep, I am going to say it: just be narcissistic. I love this for you. You deserve it. Acknowledge the beauty of yourself and your body. Take the time to doll yourself up and then incorporate the mirror into your self-pleasure time. This process is powerful (and you can do this during partnered sex too).

Watching in the mirror while you are giving yourself pleasure and understanding what your body looks like when it’s experiencing pleasure is not only really sexy but also incredibly empowering. I would also encourage you to take some sexy photos of yourself. Discover your angles, the beauty in your curves. Self-portrait photography can be extremely empowering. Just remember that you are a person of high value, so treat yourself as such.

Night six

This one is simple and easy. It has nothing to do with masturbation and everything to do with sleeping nude. If there is one thing that will skyrocket your sexual confidence in a big way in a short time, it is this: getting nude more often! We are inundated with messages about the ‘perfect body’ in the mainstream media, so much so that many of us do not feel sexy or attractive enough in our bodies. We often get dressed and undressed very fast, avoid looking at ourselves nude in the mirror and feel timid or disempowered while removing clothes in front of a partner or other people on the beach.

Instead of embracing our amazing body as a precious vehicle designed to carry us through our lifetime and an instrument for giving and receiving love, we started treating and looking at it as an object, even though it is much more than that. Sleeping nude more often will help you feel more confident in your body. It might seem awkward or scary initially, but start by taking small steps (like sleeping only in underwear) and you will very soon discover the sensual and confident god/goddess within you. Viva la nude every night!

Night seven

Tonight is about engaging your imagination. I want you to use audio to turn yourself on. Lie down, put some essential oils on your skin ( just a dab, don’t get heavy-handed). Relax into your position and put on some audio porn. You could listen to my podcast, Sexy Stories, or there is the website Quinn (search tryquinn) or the app Dipsea. Take some time to find your niche. Then, when you think the story is right, drop into it. Slow your breathing and start to breathe out through your genitals.

You can explore your body, smell the oils and listen. If you want to touch yourself, start slow. Explore around your genitals – make the journey as long as the story. I’ll leave the rest to your imagination. If you find that you like it, remember that everything from this challenge can be used in your self-care routine… whenever you like.

Now that your seven nights are done, how do you feel? A bit more confident in yourself, I hope. You are magical, never forget that. Many people don’t spend much time consciously thinking about their identity, their sense of self-worth or their sexual self. But all of these components contribute to your unique identity as a person. Starting to cultivate a well-defined sense of self will contribute to a better overall quality of life and give you a hand when making choices for yourself, both inside the bedroom and out. We aren’t perfect, but who is? You still have great value.

Chantelle Otten’s book The Sex Ed You Never Had is out September 28 through Allen & Unwin. It’s available for purchase here and at all good book retailers.