I’m the most successful I’ve ever been, and it’s because I’m single

“It was a simple question – was this the life I wanted for myself?”

Over my time running businesses, I’ve been single, married and divorced. And let’s be honest, they’re all completely different experiences. For 14 years, I was married. I was also building several successful companies, which presented challenges and obstacles.

My companies are vast and move across multiple industries, ranging from commercial/industrial construction to residential development and interior design. My most passionate labour of love is my small production fashion label, Za Collective, which produces limited runs of ethically made pieces.

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When I was married, the challenges of partnership slowly grew as the relationship moved through the years. It seemed to just creep up, growing in intensity over time. The challenges were slow and barely noticeable. The demands grew little by little and I stepped up, little by little, to meet them.

Marriage and partnerships are complex, and the actions and reactions of both parties play a fundamental role in how people feel and think. I’ve never been one for finger-pointing or the blame game.

I saw emotions as another problem I needed to find a solution for. I organised my marriage and home life in the same way in which I structured my companies. I became the problem solver and solution maker. I was the constant required to make things work, at all costs.

Emotional detachment in business, marriage and partnerships seems to be what most successful women adopt as the main coping mechanism. I couldn’t be all things to all people at all times so I detached, just enough for me to be able to numb the noise of the requests made of me.

I did this subconsciously, moving into a life of routine, habit and appointments. I even scheduled date nights and personal time. They were neat little time slots that resembled my working calendar. I cast aside my personal desires so I could focus on professional aspirations, goals and growth.

One day, I realised I was never going to be seen, heard or recognised for my contribution to the marriage, business or the home that we had built. Years of hurt, betrayal and disappointment weren’t going to be reasons or excuses for me. It was a simple question – was this the life I wanted for myself?

Having the benefit of hindsight, I’m certain I wouldn’t have changed the decisions I made or the fallout of my choices. Does this mean I did the right thing? That I chose the correct path? Perhaps. More so for me, it speaks to the ability to learn and grow through painful experiences, to become a more refined, emotionally intelligent person, and a bolder version of myself.

I took the fall (and it was quite the tumble) breaking the family unit apart while trying to hold the pieces of emotional security together. But it’s not how we fall – it’s how we get back up. There is no other way in business, personal or professional growth.

Now that I’m single, I feel freedom, complete and absolute. I am a woman of options. I’ve realised men are not required for success. If I choose to date someone, it’s only because it makes me happy. It doesn’t need to be any more complicated than that. My business life is demanding and highly stressful. I don’t need that in my bedroom or personal life, and neither do you.

If we are to choose a man (or men) it should be because they are supportive, consistent, fun, adventurous and emotionally evolved. They should be able to stand by our side without requiring us to step back for them. So becoming a woman with options – how do we achieve that?

Level yourself up and refine the qualifications of your craft, industry or business. Focus on the hard mechanics and skills required for your profession. Push forward and do so unapologetically, because other people’s opinion of you is not required. This will provide financial freedom for your future and allow you to have choices.

Focus on becoming the best version of yourself emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. Don’t allow others to cloud your judgment or your vision. The only safe hands your future is in are your own. You control the journey and the destination – who you want to become, what you want your life to look like and who you want to share it with.

So which path is easier – married or single? Neither, I say. There’s only one path to becoming a woman of options and that’s controlling the game, the journey and the destination, allowing yourself to let go of the things that no longer serve you and permitting yourself the freedom of new experiences and knowledge.

Work on becoming the best version of what you see yourself as in the future. Do this privately, with dignity and grace. The world doesn’t need to know what you’re working on or doing – it’s better if it doesn’t, that way it can’t place doubt in your mind or offer up unnecessary judgements or opinions. You are under no obligation to be the woman that you were 10 minutes ago.

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