I stopped saying sorry on dates and it changed everything

“When I stopped apologising all the time, I could actually enjoy myself. More importantly, I realised that sorry should only be said when you actually mean it.”

We stood outside a very closed bar. I’d suggested it because it was close, dimly lit and sold expensive but delicious cocktails. It was one of my favourite spots – cool, without feeling cringe – and now it was bloody closed. Usually, this was the part where I’d start scrambling to apologise to my date.

And usually, this was the part that brought out one of the most used words in my vocabulary” ‘sorry’. After all, I picked the bar. I should have checked if it was open on Mondays, and now we were two semi-strangers inconvenienced. But I had made a pledge that I was going to stop apologising to the men I was dating.

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So instead, I took a deep breath, turned to him and said, “Shall we try the pub down the road instead?”. Do you know what he said? He said, “Sure”. No apology required. Like most women, I have a very personal and complex relationship with the word sorry. I have been saying it my whole life, and usually when I have nothing to be sorry about.

I say it when people run into me in the street. I say it when I’m sitting at the window seat but I have to get off the bus, and I say it when people interrupt me when I’m speaking. Sorry, I was talking when you decided to talk! This will probably surprise no one when I say this, but it’s usually men that interrupt me when I’m speaking and men that accidentally barrel into me in the street.

I also had a horrifying habit of saying sorry to the men I was casually dating. I would apologise for everything. I would apologise if my schedule didn’t align with theirs or if I didn’t want to have chilli on a shared pizza because it flairs up my chronic illness. I even apologised for being a slow walker.

I apologised for the big stuff and the little stuff and the stuff that makes me who I am. I was constantly apologising for myself as if I needed my Tinder dates to know I was self-aware enough to realise how annoying I am. Of course, this ‘sorry’ business was never reciprocated. I never found the men I was dating apologising for anything.

One admitted halfway through a second date that he had a long term girlfriend, and he didn’t even apologise for blindsiding me with that! But I was constantly apologising, and it was exhausting. I envied the confidence of the men I was dating; unlike me, they seemed so comfortable with themselves and happy to voice their needs and quirks.

I mean, one guy told me confidently he found watching girls eat a turn-off and then suggested we go for coffee. The men I was dating weren’t hesitating to say exactly what was on their minds, so why was I? I also found apologising always put me on the back foot and gave the men I was dating a position of power.

I constantly admitted my shortcomings and looked for their forgiveness. But why? It just created this awkward power imbalance, and I was the one creating it. I’d somehow morphed into an obsequious caricature of my feminist self. So I decided to remove the word sorry from my dating life.

Unless, of course, I really needed to say it. If I accidentally ran over their dog, I would obviously offer up the forbidden word. But in general, I wasn’t going to rely on it as a default. If I did something, or I found something embarrassing or made a mistake, I wasn’t going to offer up sorry – I was just going to roll with it. I was trying to channel the kind of confidence I often found attractive in men.

You know, someone that seemed cool and comfortable with themselves. Someone who didn’t sweat if they picked the wrong venue, dropped their fork while eating dinner, or just had an opinion. I wanted to be the person I was around my friends. When I was around my mates, I wasn’t apologising constantly.

At first, I found not saying sorry hard. When the bar wasn’t open, I just desperately wanted to say sorry and get this random man’s forgiveness. But I didn’t, and it got easier from there. I also found the less I used the word, the less self-conscious I felt about myself. It made me realise I was often using the word as a filler and as a way to bridge any potential awkwardness.

It was freeing, and it was a great way to remind myself that I had nothing to be sorry about. I was enough, even if I got the opening hours of a bar wrong. I was enough, even if it turned out that I wasn’t quite enough for that particular date.

By removing sorry from my dating life, I found that I became much more fun to date and my confidence increased. When I stopped apologising all the time, I could actually enjoy myself. More importantly, I realised that sorry should only be said when you actually mean it and the mistake or error truly deserves an apology. Because there’s always another bar around the corner (and another date).

For more on why women apologise too much (and what to say and do instead), try this.