How to start talking about your salary with friends and colleagues

“The only people we’re protecting by gatekeeping our salaries are those who have the opportunity to exploit us.”

‘How much money do you make?’ is quite a loaded question. If you’re embarrassed to answer this because you think you don’t earn much, then don’t be. It’s your employer who should be embarrassed. The fact that they’re responsible for your pay is why there’s a power imbalance working in their favour, that gives them greater autonomy.

How about your parents’ salaries? Do you know how much they make? Your sister? Your best friend? Your colleagues? Do you know how much others earn who share your qualifications, expertise and career trajectory? If your answer is no, then it begs the question: How can you truly know whether you’re being paid fairly?

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For the generations that came before us, talking about money was seen as distasteful and awkward because salaries were closely linked to one’s identity and self-worth. That could very well still be the case for a lot of people now. But recently, I had an epiphany that my salary is not solely a reflection of my talents, experience or efforts. It’s a reflection of how much a company is willing to pay for my labour.

Often, this number will be on the lower side of what’s ‘fair’, since private corporations profit from acting in their best interests before yours – no matter how many employee benefit schemes they use to disguise this fact. (Subsidised gym membership? Bring your dog to work day? Birthday morning tea? No thanks, I’d rather be properly compensated).

In reality, our salaries aren’t about us at all. If your role requires a niche, important and in-demand skill then you’ll probably be compensated very well – regardless of your work ethic, office etiquette or attention to detail. And for those who are incredibly dedicated, relentlessly hardworking and generous with their time, if your role is seen as disposable, you’re probably getting paid peanuts.

The funny thing is, these days talking about money is becoming less of a taboo. I happily disclose to friends (or anyone who asks) how much I spent on a holiday, the clothes on my back or an extortionate haircut, so why is it that we’re so private about earnings that are largely out of our control?

We’re doing ourselves a disservice. The only people we’re protecting by gatekeeping our salaries are those who have the opportunity to exploit us. Simply put, employers can (and do) get away with paying staff less when they don’t talk to one another about salaries.

Without a defined salary structure, we’re really just fumbling in the dark until we ask coworkers what they make and use that as something to measure against. If we don’t, we can fall victim to wage suppression and lack of transparency around pay inequity, which disproportionately affects women regardless of merit or seniority.

Back in 2017, Michelle Williams was “paralysed” by the egregious discovery that she was paid $1000 to reshoot her scenes in All The Money In The World when the male lead, Mark Walhberg, was paid an enormous $1.5m. Imagine the difference a little transparency around pay could’ve made there.

Pay secrecy limits the information and ammunition available to potential candidates when negotiating their pay package. As a result of this, women often undervalue their market rate and are offered lower packages in comparison to their male counterparts because pay secrecy feeds pay gaps. (Which is not a vibe).

The bottom line is that talking about your salary or freelance rates – with discretion and in the absence of any secrecy clause – allows you to hold your employer accountable for fair pay practices and ensure you’re getting paid what you’re owed.

So how do we normalise wage discussions?

It’s obviously something you want to avoid talking about at the office water cooler – it should be a private conversation with a mentor you trust. By opening the dialogue with someone more senior than you, such as a previous manager or someone who helped bring you on, they’re more likely to give you a bigger-picture view of your company’s salary bands, which can help them discuss wages in a way that doesn’t make them feel obliged to share theirs.

Alternatively, if you know anyone in your field or workplace who was planning to leave but received a counteroffer to stay, they’d be an incredibly valuable source in terms of getting good market information.

If you want to address the topic with friends, first test the waters by seeing how comfortable they are discussing earning-related topics such as Super, savings and investments. If they open up, it sets a precedent for future conversations. It’s also helpful to check sites like LinkedIn and GlassDoor for salary estimates and use this as the conversation opener.

If you do choose to speak about it with colleagues, frame the conversation in a productive way and provide some context as to why it’s illuminating information when shared. The topic at hand goes beyond simply discussing incomes; it’s about making informed financial decisions and creating a fairer workplace for everyone.

Also keep in mind that people will be far more comfortable discussing brackets, so lead the conversation by example and share your pay range rather than landing on a hard number.

There’s no denying that it’s hard breaking the stigma around sharing salaries with coworkers. But we should. Knowing what other people get paid is instrumental in fighting gendered and racial wage discrimination and improving our working conditions. There is power in knowledge. Deciding whether a pay package is fair cannot be left up to employers alone.

This story was originally published on March 2, 2021.

For more information about pay transparency, head here.