What’s the deal with texting etiquette? A dating coach weighs in

“Texting is something that can be learnt and communication is key. It’s important to tell your partner what you need and vice versa.“

The modern-day love story of meeting someone online comes with the same anxieties I assume people had back when they met potential suitors on the street or in line at the grocery store. Luckily for those people, meeting someone in person straight away gives you a better understanding of them and their character, so it’s easier to determine whether or not you’re compatible. 

These days, meeting people on dating apps is the norm but it’s not always smooth sailing when we have our internet identities competing with our real ones. After all, there’s only so much you can share about yourself in six small images paired with three flavourless sentences.

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Nevertheless, when you match with someone you might assume the hard part is over. From this point on, it’s just about talking and getting to know each other, right? But usually, one of three scenarios may occur.

Firstly, nothing will ever come of it. You’re just two strangers who liked what they saw and matched on an app. The second outcome is incredibly boring. You enter into a sequence of back-and-forth generic conversations of “Hi, how are you?” with days in between asking each other how your day was until so much time has passed between responses you don’t know what day they’re now referring to, so you stop replying altogether.

Or finally, the third scenario (and arguably the best) is when you connect with someone who can engage in conversation beyond the basic responses. Your faith in dating is restored. But with a new love interest comes a whole host of questions and concerns about texting and online messaging. How do you craft your messages so you accurately convey your sense of humour and personality? Should you use emojis regularly or keep them infrequent? How long should you wait before replying to their texts?

To mitigate the stress of getting to know someone via texting and online messaging, I turned to Samantha Jayne, a Dating Coach and Relationship Expert, who helped me clear up any confusion when it comes to this mode of communication.

When it comes to texting/online messaging the person you’re dating, are there any dos or don’ts? Should I really be waiting X amount of minutes to reply? And if I’ve initiated most of the conversations is it their turn to take the lead? 

When it comes to texting, everyone needs to relax! Don’t overthink it. Some people are fast texters, and others are more relaxed and don’t mind taking things slow.  If you need more clarification, you can first match and mirror. If they are fast texters, then respond quickly. If they are slow, you can also be slow. If you’re not sure, you could ask them what their preferences are.

Sometimes I hear people freak out because someone didn’t respond to their text. If this happens, it’s good to look back at the last text. Did you ask a question, did it require a response, or maybe it was accidentally missed? We can all be guilty of this distraction. Always be positive. The best structure to keep the flow going is a compliment followed by the question. When you get a response, acknowledge what the person said. Treat it like a normal conversation.

What should you do if you’re dating someone who you have great conversations with in person but they have rubbish online chat?

That’s normal, and it happens to the best of people. Be the person that leads and inspires. You can always influence someone to be a better texter. If all else fails, then meet in person and over time, things will get better.  Keep in mind, it could be nerves. Sometimes if they are always very late with messaging and regularly don’t respond to your messages, then it’s an opportunity to tell them what you want.

Would you agree that people’s texting styles reflect the kind of person they are?

Yes, if someone is more analytical they will like longer, more detailed and frequent texts and they will also want a fast response. If someone is more extroverted and fears FOMO, their texting is shorter, to the point and more flirtatious. They may have a tendency to be super hot and then slow things down or get distracted. The more alpha-type dominant personality sends brief texts that are direct with purpose. 

Since online communication is a massive part of dating nowadays, is being ‘text compatible’ with someone important? 

To an extent, yes. However, texting is something that can be learnt and communication is key. It’s important to tell your partner what you need and vice versa. Everyone wants to be heard.

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