How to tell the difference between ‘the ick’ and a red flag

A distinction that can be hard to make.

If you’ve ever traversed the rocky terrain of the dating world, then I’ll bet that at some stage you and your friends will have spoken about the dreaded ‘ick’. This word has become such a common and core part of our vernacular, that whenever one of my friends has been on more than three dates with the same person, I often find myself asking “Have you got the ick yet?”.

Let’s face it, there’s nothing more entertaining than an ‘ick’ story. It could be the fact that the person douses all their food in tomato sauce, the way they pronounce the word ‘oregano’, or simply because they used ‘Instagram?’ as their pick-up line.

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For some inexplicable reason, any number of small, inconsequential things can be a massive turn-off. It’s as though they tap into some subconscious aversion that we didn’t even know was there to begin with, which makes icks extremely difficult to predict and more than a little bothersome.

But recently I heard a story that made me wonder if there’s ever any more substance to this feeling. A friend of mine experienced an ick over a guy who was hesitant to show her where he lived. A bit weird, but not necessarily a dealbreaker, as it was still quite early on. She brushed off the yucky feeling and persevered, but it turned out to be quite a significant problem later in their relationship.

So what’s the difference, then, between the ick and a red flag? And how do we tell one from the other? I’m no dating expert, but here’s what I’ve picked up from listening to others’ experiences (and my own).

The ick

Generally, ‘icks’ tend to be superficial issues that we encounter quite early on when dating a person, and they’re usually about physical attraction. Something as trivial as a weird laugh, a bad dance move, or the way they brush their teeth can be enough to make us cringe and pull away. Within a matter of seconds, we can go from finding someone the most attractive person in the world to the most repulsive.

This could simply be a product of our times. We live in an era of online dating, where we can swipe left and right based on the smallest or most superficial reasons. If we go on a date and it doesn’t work out, we immediately return to the drawing board, where there are thousands of other hopeful singles at our fingertips. Perhaps having endless options is making us far too picky.

It’s also worth noting that although icks can occur without warning and are difficult to suppress, they can be overcome. If the behaviour that you find ‘icky’ in a prospective partner is fairly minor, it might be something you can come back from.

A red flag

Icks (usually) occur quite early on in dating, but a red flag can crop up at the beginning, middle or end of a relationship. They foreshadow a larger, more serious problem – rather than something we just find gross or unattractive. Red flags tend to be based on our intuition and our past dating experiences, and they usually signal a difference in core values or the first warning signs of controlling or abusive behaviour.

Our response to red flags is also quite different. Unlike an ick, a red flag might not trigger such a visceral emotional reaction. You may notice a feeling of dread or anxiety as your internal alarm bells start to go off, but equally, you may completely overlook them and only realise they were red flags in retrospect. But if you do notice them in the moment, don’t ignore them.

Knowing the difference

Even armed with this information, you have to rely on your gut to know the difference between the ick and a red flag. If you think you might still have a future with the person you’re dating, it can be difficult to know whether to let something slide or call it out.

If you ever find yourself confused between the two, take a moment to think about it. Is this something you really care about or is it something superficial that you’re nitpicking over? It could be that you’re looking for a reason to cut it off because you’re worried about commitment or heartbreak. You don’t have to try and overcome every ick, but it’s important to recognise when you’re self-sabotaging.

Sometimes, though, a red flag can masquerade as an ick – and this is what you really have to look out for. You might not ever have experienced a particular issue in a relationship before, so your intuition is kicking in and letting you know that something is amiss.

If you think there might be more substance to your icky feeling, consider whether it’s indicative of a deeper problem, in terms of the person’s character or worldview. Was their behaviour boundary-crossing? Did it make you feel deeply unsettled or uncomfortable? Does it signify a big difference in values?

At the end of the day, you don’t have to date anyone you’re unsure about. It’s not always meant to be. But if you’re thinking about giving something a go, make sure you know the difference between your icks and your red flags.

For more on dating red flags, try this.