So you’re going on holiday? Here are the Instagrams you’re contractually obliged to post

“My beverage has a better view than you”

I love holidays. And I love Instagram. However, I absolutely hate holiday Instagrams. Even my own. 

Actually, I’m the blurst when I’m travelling. I’d totally unfriend myself after the first five bikini selfies, and then secretly stalk myself for the next couple of weeks because I couldn’t bear to miss out on the gossip fodder that followed.

You know what I’m talking about – all those holiday snaps and draining captions that we’re contractually obliged to post. That we actually, secretly LOVE posting, while also knowing exactly how annoying we’re being. 

So let’s just put it all out on the table shall we? It’s time to admit it. I’m Bianca and I’m a travel-brag-a-holic. I’m addicted to doing the following… Unashamedly.

The ‘my beverage has a better view than you’ series

Sub categories: ‘Bintang’, ‘wine’, ‘coconut’, ‘cocktail’

You know the ones. It’s not enough to brag about your view, you also have to throw it back in our faces while we’re at work and you’re midday-drunk? We hate you. Except when ‘you’ is ‘me’.

The ‘just casually’ series

Sub categories: ‘bikini’, ‘yoga’, ‘full make-up selfie on the beach’ 

When your Insta-friend takes a pic that is captioned with something totes casual like “lazy days” or “chillin” while also wearing a full face of make-up, salon-quality hair, the entire contents of their suitcase, heels on the beach and a ballgown. Even worse is when they (also, me) busts out a yoga pose ‘just casually’ in front of the private pool, because I exercise on holidays/it’s a lifestyle, really. Plus #fitspo is totally trending right now.

The ‘I’m on a plane’ series

Sub categories: ‘Upgrade’, ‘My kewt sunglasses’, ‘Look how different my cloud picture is compared to everyone else’s’

Also consider including a more #unique subset of this category, called the ‘I’m on a boat’ series.

The ‘expensive resort’ series

Sub categories: ‘Yes, I have cash money’, ‘look at this awesome place you could never afford’

Also in this category, for advanced humblebraggers, is the ‘look at this quaint boutique place I discovered! It’s so laid back and retro!’ – until you stalk the place that bitch stayed on hotels.com and realise it was actually the cost of your car. Per night. Plus tax.

The ‘getting back to nature’ series

Sub categories: ‘Zen’, ‘spiritual’, (also see yoga from ‘just casually’)

Eat, pray, love is so five years ago. I mean, it’s so COMMERCIAL. It’s time to find an #authentic retreat, where you can meditate with *real* monks. They look so much more genuine in your #potd. Plus, that silence vow is kewl anyway, because it gives you more time to curate your feed.

Most importantly, however, after all that time in your #authentic #zen #spiritual retreat posting editorial-quality ‘just casual’ pics, you’ll totes understand the meaning of the old saying. “If you go on holidays and you don’t post #humblebrag Instagrams while you’re there, did the holiday actually happen?”

These days, I doubt it.

Follow Bianca’s holiday humblebrags over at @alphabetponymag. She totally forgot to Instagram the Icebergs pool in Sydney last week, so her blogger credentials may be revoked imminently…

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