#Trending: Why is there always a ‘Bachelor’ stalker?

And why do they always make it to the finale?

Firstly, let’s get my dirty little secret out of the way: I always tell people how much I hate The Bachelor/Bachelorette, but then promptly get drawn into the first episode and find myself two months later, crying as I watch the finale for the fifth time.

And it looks like they’ve got me again.

Last night we met 25 young women who range in amazingness from legit-crazy-pants, to total-girl-crush amazing. For example, energy healer Cayla (YESSSSSSSS) turned up with a 2kg rose quartz rock for the Honey Badger, a rock that she says she cast a love spell on.

I picked Cayla for a crazy from a mile off (there’s #legit something about the eyes that gives it away), but she’s really no match for prior Miss World contestant Cass.

For example, if Cayla was your harmless Byron Bay neighbour who read your aura and told you she thinks you should stop drinking Coke because she had a trippy dream about you drowning in it, Cass is the one that ACTUALLY FILLS A BATHTUB WITH COKE AND DROWNS YOU IN IT.

As everyone has already declared on social media, Cass is the Jarrod of The Bachelorette 2018. All we need is an allegation that someone peed on her love fern. (Yes, that is a Bachie/How To Lose A Guy in 10 Days stalker crossover joke, thanks for coming.)

Look, I know the peeps at Channel Ten are the experts in casting and I’m just a journalist who watches way too much reality TV, but why does there always have to be a stalker?

AND WHY DOES THE BACHIE/BACHELORETTE ALWAYS REPEATEDLY GIVE THEM ROSES?!

In real life, there is no way that clingy Jarrod would make it all the way with Sophie Monk. And look what happened – he got his heart broken right at the end when he probably should have become reality TV roadkill many episodes earlier. Maybe Soph felt sorry for him? I don’t know.

But one thing I DO know is that guys don’t feel sorry for girls. That’s why we’re all so emotionally damaged. RIGHT GIRLS?! *laughs maniacally*

Now, rumours have emerged, placing Cass firmly in the final four. Look, we all know what everyone’s casting roles are, we get it. Cat is the dramatic bitchy gal, for example, who entertains everyone watching but is so incredibly unlikable every time she’s around the Bachie, she has literally zero chance of getting a good date in.

Brooke is the one we think is going to win but won’t, and we’ll all be mad about it for weeks. Dasha’s our best bet for some horny on-screen action. And Vanessa Sunshine (Vanessa Sunshine, Vanessa Sunshine) is the one we are hoping can hold her shit together long enough to fly under the radar so we can enjoy her special brand of fkn nutter week after week.

Also, of course, at the expense of the girls who are in the house dealing with that shit. Soz, you signed up to entertain us ladies! Hahahahahahaha x infinity.

Anyway, back to Cass. Do we think she’ll stop acting like a crazy? (Unlikely). Do we think she’ll be given a rose week after week regardless, in order to keep the audience watching? (Almost definitely). Do we reckon Nick has been told by the producers that he has to pick her every week? (Hilarious if true).

I only have one piece of advice for our glorious Honey Badger: don’t go on a reality show if you don’t want to experience pain purely for our amusement. So… good luck with that one, aye.

Follow Bianca at @_thesecondrow and listen to her latest podcast at @thefashionpodcast.