Veganism was eating me alive, here’s how I reclaimed my life

Content warning: This article discusses disordered eating.

I’m sitting at Grill’d, about to order my first burger in over a decade. A real burger. One with meat, onions, mayo and a bun. My heart is beating fast and I’m ignoring the voice in my head that’s sounding the alarms and yelling that I’m about to bite into a dead animal. It’s something thousands of people do every day, but something that I, as a strict vegan, haven’t fathomed since I swore off meat in my early teens.

I first went vegan around the age of 14, following years of on-and-off vegetarianism. I finally took the plunge after being influenced by the popular online vegan influencer community. I threw myself in the deep end and cut out meat, dairy and eggs from my diet.

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I had a couple of reasons for doing this, the first being my passion for animal rights. The environmental factor was also a motivator, I watched countless documentaries that stressed going vegan was the only answer to reducing your carbon footprint and saving the Earth.

There were, of course, the health benefits. As a young teen, I wasn’t concerned with the health benefits of veganism, but rather the body it promised me. I was hooked by the body ideals promoted by skinny young white women on Instagram who boasted that veganism gave them their ‘dream’ body. That it helped them lose weight and get rid of their bloating. Even if I wouldn’t admit it to anyone, that was what I dreamed of.

My South African meat-loving family were less than pleased when I sat down at the dinner table one night and announced I’d no longer be eating the food my mum had lovingly prepared. I began my prepared speech about how I thought eating meat was wrong.

I preached about how much cows suffered in the dairy industry and swore I’d become a better person by abstaining from animal products. I quickly also promised that I’d take to the kitchen to concoct my vegan recipes to save my poor mother the struggle of Googling, “What is vegan food and how do I make it?”.

What began as a quite innocent lifestyle change, prompted by the yearning to ‘save the animals’ began to spiral into something darker. My veganism made me cut out huge food groups – and then most food –  from my life.

I was counting calories and keeping it a secret, embarrassed by my quiet obsession with how much I was stuck in this fishbowl of vegan diet culture. My daily nutrients were falling to the back of my mind. I wasn’t a trained dietitian; I was a 16-year-old who wanted, more than anything else, to be skinny.

Years later, I’m 22 and living out of home, struggling to find a balance between actually getting nutrients into myself while eating increasingly expensive vegan food and dealing with the sudden onset of chronic stomach issues.

After numerous doctor visits and a couple of nights in the hospital, I’m told I’m extremely iron deficient and my gut is inflamed. My doctor sits me down and tells it to me straight – I need to start at least eating a small amount of red meat to raise my iron and help heal my gut. To my surprise, I agreed.

If my veganism journey started because I wanted to take care of the animals and the planet, why couldn’t I show myself that same amount of care? Why was I still vegan? Was it because I was still as passionate about the cause and lifestyle, or was it because this was simply how I’d been eating for the last decade?

Two weeks later I’m eating the burger at Grill’d. Soon enough, I’m eating salmon, eggs on toast and chicken in my salad and I’m feeling good. I feel free; I don’t have to worry whether there’s going to be something for me to eat on the menu when I go out to eat with friends.

I still find it hard to accept that I’m eating animals again and going against rules that my younger self held so close to their heart. But I keep a space for them with me; I respect their choices and their passion.

I believe veganism can be great and can make a profoundly positive impact on the environment and your health. I’m not saying I’m now a carnivore who only eats red meat. But I’m now trying to find a balance between meat and vegetable proteins that work for me. I’ve seen that veganism can be a highly privileged lifestyle and I’m still learning and finding the answers are not always so black and white.

I’m eating to enjoy my life – I’m eating to heal my younger self, to heal my body. I’m eating because I need to and I want to and I’m privileged enough to be able to access whatever food my heart desires.