Why are we so uncomfortable with being perceived?

“While not everyone’s as chronically anxious as me, I know even the most self-assured among us have hidden a tagged photo.”

Like every other burnt-out, chronically online millennial woman, I spent my formative teenage years on Tumblr, Myspace and the like. I learnt early on that to be a woman on the internet is to be perceived, and that being perceived means being judged.

The value judgements placed on you – by real-life friends, total strangers, a seedy guy you once had a sloppy makeout session with behind the bins at a house party – could range from exclamations of affection to damning assignations of your appearance and character. I still vividly recall a cute boy commenting on a photo of me on the (now-defunct) social media website, Bebo. “Ew. Not my cup of tea,” he wrote. I was 13 years old, and his dismissal cut like a knife. Unsurprisingly, it was around this age that I developed a complex relationship with being perceived, particularly on the internet. It’s a relationship I’m still untangling today, as a 30-year-old woman.

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There have been moments in my life when being perceived in public has sent me spiralling. Simple tasks like going to the supermarket have provoked symptoms similar to a panic attack. Likewise, an unfounded fear that I’m being appraised by strangers and found lacking in some fundamental way has been pervasive. While not everyone’s as chronically anxious as me, I know even the most self-assured among us have hidden a tagged photo. We all hate hearing our voice in the back of someone’s video and for most people, ‘candid’ photos can take up to 20 takes. So why are we so uncomfortable with being perceived?

It’s evolutionary, babe

Despite being social creatures, being seen has always been a little terrifying for us humans. The fact that public speaking is our most common phobia (ahead of literally dying) is a testament to this. But with our need to be social an evolutionary imperative, why are we so afraid of being in the public eye?

Clinical psychologist Caroline Weinstein tells me this fear may be closely tied to our need to belong. “Humans are social creatures and historically, being part of a group was crucial for survival. Being judged or rejected by a group could lead to social exclusion, which was a significant threat to survival. This discomfort may be an evolved response to potential social threats.”

Being rejected by your group meant certain death, probably through exposure to the harsh elements or a surprise attack by a vicious prehistoric animal. This explains why we still have such intense reactions to perceived rejection, even when undertaking non-life-threatening activities, like leading a presentation at work or interacting on dating apps.

Caroline explains the discomfort many of us feel when being perceived is called the ‘spotlight effect’, which can stem from several social and psychological factors. “The central factor is self-consciousness, which is the state we are in when we’re aware of being watched or judged. We become hyper-aware of our own behaviour, appearance and thoughts. This heightened awareness takes us out of the situation we’re in and turns us into observers of ourselves, which can be quite an uncomfortable feeling.”

Increased self-consciousness can make us feel like we aren’t fitting within the social norms that shape how we believe we should behave in public settings, too. “This heightens the pressure to conform to these standards, making us feel uneasy, especially if we think we’re falling short,” says Caroline. “Ultimately, the discomfort of being perceived is a complex mix of personal insecurities, social conditioning and the innate human need for acceptance and belonging.”

Curation and control

Living in a digital world, where hyper-realistic filters with names like ‘Bold Glamour’ are only a tap away, we now have an unthinkable level of control over how others perceive us. Using the many tools at our disposal to perfect what we post may boost our confidence, but it can also amplify the insecurities that arise when we don’t have control over our image.

Our fear of being tagged in (or even seeing) an unflattering photo of ourselves runs deep. But buying into this fear can have real-world ramifications. It might stop you from self-promoting your successes, ultimately hindering your career. It might stop you from capturing happy holiday moments, going for runs in public, dressing how you want or – like Fashion Journal’s Managing Editor, Giulia Brugliera – it could have you entertaining the idea of a ‘no photos’ wedding.

I’ve known friends who never post anything on social media, despite wanting to, for fear of being perceived the wrong way. One friend went as far as to refuse being in a single photo on a four-month trip with her partner because seeing photos of herself causes her that much anguish. She tells me that she laments this decision, saying, “We’ve now lost all those memories”.

So how do we get over it?

As a writer and creative, self-promotion is basically built into my job. Despite this, during the almost five years I spent as the editor of Fashion Journal, outside of what I shared on FJ and its social platforms (which was, admittedly, a fair bit) I did minimal self-promotion.

When I started freelancing this year, I began sharing more of my work online and I’ve seen my follower count, engagement and career opportunities flourish. The downside is, I’m often overcome with an all-encompassing feeling of humiliation. The idea of a man I’m dating reading my articles about long-term singledom, or reviewing my Instagram profile and finding it ‘cringey’, fills me with dread.

Unfortunately, the payoff from sharing my career milestones is too lucrative to give up. So how do I navigate it? Content creator and fellow writer, Maggie Zhou, tells me my read on the situation is probably overblown. As someone who’s been influencing since before there was a name for it, she’s clearly got a grip on being perceived.

“I don’t really give two hoots about who watches my videos or reads my writing. It’s nice to publish stuff online because, in a way, it creates a separation; it doesn’t really feel real,” she says. “Whenever I see someone sharing their art or work online, my knee-jerk reaction is positive. We don’t scroll our For You page criticising and cringeing at people who’ve chosen to share online. Give yourself some compassion, and also, no one actually cares that much about you.”

For anyone who struggles to share their work online, Caroline believes the key is finding a balance between visibility and personal comfort. “First, decide what to share – you don’t have to share everything online! Be selective about the personal information and types of content you put out. Focus on your work, projects and achievements, while keeping private anything you might feel will attract too much judgement, if that feels more comfortable.”

If blending the personal and professional still makes you uneasy, she suggests creating separate accounts. “This allows you to control the narrative in your professional space while keeping your personal life offline.” Another tactic to try is creating a content schedule and potentially automating your posts. This can make posting updates feel more like a routine, instead of something you’re always thinking about. “Ultimately, it’s a complex mix of personal insecurities, social conditioning and the innate human need for acceptance.”

Who you engage with online can enhance your experience of being perceived, too. “Surround yourself with like-minded people who are also in creative fields [or whatever your industry]. Engaging with a supportive, niche community can reduce the anxiety of being seen by a large, unknown audience,” Caroline says.

And finally, just as Maggie suggests, Caroline tells me it’s important to practice self-compassion. “A key part of dealing with perception anxiety is to acknowledge the discomfort. Understand that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable, and this is part and parcel of being online. Over time, ongoing exposure to these experiences can reduce anxiety and build confidence. “Each time you successfully share a post or receive positive feedback, acknowledge it as a step forward. Over time, these small wins can help desensitise the fear of being perceived.”

This article was originally published in Fashion Journal issue 195, read it here.

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