The f*ck is a flash patch?

Words by

Alyce Cowell

Apparently, if you’re still getting around with regular ol’ lipstick in a tube and lazy foundation brushes, you’re doing it wrong. 

2017 is here, and your makeup kit is heading to the future, with or without your face. Are you coming or not? White teeth and bright skin and a mask that makes you look like a rat await…

Brow stamps 

Not to be confused with a brow stencil, a brow stamp is an eyebrow-shaped foam stamp that comes with a powder compact to literally stamp on your brows in three seconds. It frequents many a YouTube video accompanied by titles like, “OmG!! DoEs ThIs BrOw StAmP aCtUaLLy WoRk???!!!”

But I have questions… so many questions. What if I like my brows thicker than the stamp? How do I get it perfectly on my brow? Will I still need to fill in the gaps? What if I like my brows more natural? Can I use it to make a fake moustache?

Charcoal-activated toothpaste 

White toothpaste is just so last season. Cool toothpaste is now black and makes your teeth look like they’re falling out, even though it’s actually whitening them, and everyone on Instagram is using it. 

The big secret is that it’s made with charcoal, which binds and lifts stains and absorbs toxins from teeth. However, many dentists say it’s more beneficial to just avoid drinks that discolour our teeth, like coffee and red wine………………………. We’ll take the charcoal toothpaste, pls. 

Bubble face masks

If you like scaring the living daylights out of your housemates, this one is for you. 

The latest in whacky amazing Korean beauty products is the bubble face mask. It’s also affectionately known as the rat face, because over the course of five minutes it will bubble so wildly you’ll literally turn into a rat. The bubbles will take over your face and you’ll instantly put on 20kgs, but you’ll be glowy af afterwards, so it’s all worth it.

Primer water

Who has time to like, wipe on primer every morning? NOT ME. Cue primer water, which you spray all over your face for instant brightening, a dose of hydration and to prepare your skin for the layers and layers of makeup it will soon meet. 

It can also be used throughout the day as a mist to refresh makeup and skin, for those of us who choose to sit directly in front of three heaters all day, every day. 

Flash patches

You might not know them by name, but you probably know what they are from watching too many of Jesinta Campbell’s Instagram Stories. 

Basically, flash patches are mini banana-shaped masks that sit directly under the eye, delivering a burst of hydration and curing you of puffiness, dryness and dark under-eye circles. 

They claim to make it look like you’ve had eight hours sleep every day of the goddamn week, but don’t bother trying to buy any because I just bought all of them. 

Motorised foundation brushes 

First there were Segways, now there are electronic foundation brushes… because who could possibly bear the thought of using all of their wrist muscles to pick up a foundation brush and then sweep it all around their face? 

I, for one, say CBF to that. 

Luckily, some genius out there agreed, and now we just have to wait patiently while the brush does all the work for us. 

Magnet masks

File under: futuristic as f*ck. 

The Magnetight Age-Defier Mask by mad scientist Dr. Brandt (who’s probably just a regular guy and not a mad scientist) uses magnetic currents to draw out impurities and help skin to look firmer and brighter. 

But the best part about this kooky mask is that it comes with an actual magnet in the box, which you glide along the skin to remove the mask once it’s finished doing it’s thang. Mesmerising.

Tattoo stamps

Let’s take it back to ’99. Who remembers those little layered pots of stars, moons and glitter gel? Well, this is like the futurised version of that. 

It’s a cute ‘lil black marker that stamps a smiley face, star, love heart, peace sign or yin/yang anywhere you want, but looks particularly cute near the eye. Prepare to see these at a Splendour in the Grass near you this weekend.

Illustration by Twylamae.

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