I tried a 24k gold boob mask so you don’t have to

Do my boobs really need this much TLC?

Like every second millennial woman in the Western world, I’m very into my skincare. While the world burns, species go extinct and a deadly pandemic rages, I soothe myself by adhering to a rigorous routine. Eye cream, retinols, serums, fancy moisturisers, AHAs, BHAs, gels and sheet masks – these are the products that convince me that even if everything’s well and truly turned to shit by the time I’m 60, at least I’ll be looking well-preserved.

Of course, the skin is a massive organ (the body’s biggest, apparently), and while I religiously moisturise my body after every shower or bath, there are certain areas I tend to neglect. Number one on this list is my boobs. Every now and then if they’re looking worse for wear I’ll slap some Cerave on there, but in general, they don’t get a lot of action (I’m referring exclusively to skincare action here, get your mind out of the gutter).

Looking for more skincare recommendations? Head over to our Beauty section.

Working in editorial, you receive a lot of press releases (my inbox is a chaotic evil wasteland and I really need to sort my shit out), but my curiosity was piqued when I received a press release about a 24k gold sheet mask made specifically for breasts. Created by Booby Tape, a brand that creates tape for your tatas (something you probably deduced from the name), the mask is “designed to moisturise, increase elasticity, firm wrinkles, brighten and repair”.

At 27 years old, I definitely don’t have boob wrinkles yet. Furthermore, boob wrinkles aren’t something I ever imagined I would one day be concerned about (and nor should any woman be, really). Face and neck wrinkles, sure, but I always assumed by the time my titties are getting shrivelled and wrinkly, I probably won’t be wearing low cut tops and if I did want to, I wouldn’t give a damn what people thought about the state of my skin. At that ripe old age, I’d surely have bigger fish to fry, like crippling arthritis.

But if I’m a sucker for anything, it’s a novelty skincare product (and a four-hour TikTok binge). Maybe Mary Kate and Ashley deserve a little TLC. I decided to do the deed while watching the latest episode of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills at 11pm at night, a glass of wine in one hand and a slice of cake in the other (it’s about balance, sweetie). The sheet masks are pretty hilarious to look at; they’re made of the same gel-like substance as under-eye gels and have a small hole in the middle for the tip of your nipple to fit through.

The main active ingredient is hydrolysed collagen, which according to the brand “is a type of collagen that has been broken down and can be easily absorbed directly into your boobies”. They’re covered in a serum-like substance (again, similar to under-eye gels), and my first thought process after applying them was ‘What is my job and how am I paid to do this?’

Existential thoughts aside, they are pretty awkward to apply and keep on. I had to sit in a slightly slumped position for the entire 15 minute period it’s recommended you wear them for, delivering wine and cake to my mouth in an uncharacteristically careful manner.

Have you ever watched a group of blackout drunk housewives have a brawl in their countryside mansion while 24 karat gold and gloopy serum absorbs into your tits? I can now say I have and I honestly don’t know how I feel about it. Post-mask, the skin on my breasts did look tighter and plumper, the same way my face looks after a super hydrating sheet mask, so it did what it said it would.

Would I do it again? Perhaps if I was a famous person who was planning to wear a dangerously low cut dress to a red carpet event, or maybe if I ever get married my bridesmaids and I will sit around the night before the wedding wearing boob masks and customised silk dressing gowns.

I’m not against a boob mask – at least not in the way I’m morally opposed to a vulva sheet mask, a ludicrous invention you can read more about here. If you have stretch marks, wrinkles or the skin on your breasts is particularly dry, I’m sure doing a boob mask every once in a while couldn’t hurt. My only recommendation is that you accompany it with drunken housewives, a glass of wine and a piece of cake – go hard or go home.

If you feel so inclined, you can get your breasts their very own sheet mask here.