17 fashion predictions ahead of Coachella 2018

Words by Alyce Cowell

Illustration by Twylamae

Look into my crystal ball…

I don’t have a child or anything, but I’m going assume the pure happiness you feel when you meet your baby for the first time is pretty much on par with driving your car into Coachella. If you’ve ever been, you’ll know exactly what I’m talking about. And if you haven’t, I’m not sure we can be friends.

Anyway, before my first Coachella expedition, I had fully prepared my mind to be blown by the best outfits I’d ever seen in my life. You would expect that, yes? Well, as it turns out, Coachella people are actually just like us. They could be down here, at Falls or Splendour or Rainbow.

So with Coachella imminent, here are 17 fashion predictions that will maybe, definitely happen.

1. “I’m at Coachella” starter pack

If you didn’t bring a flower crown, denim shorts, cowboy boots, something paisley, a fringed bag, a jangly chain belt and a packet of metallic Flash Tattoos to Coachella… are you even at Coachella? I don’t think you are. You should check your ticket.

2. Crochet and not much else

We’re not talking your old favourite crochet jacket you’ve worn to every festival you’ve ever been to. We’re talking new crochet: wide-leg pants, twin sets, crop tops. Worn with bikinis underneath… or nothing at all. It’s like, “I’m wearing something, but I’m not. Do you get it?”

3. Crystal mermaids

I once heard this trend described as “dummer-boy-meets-embellished-goddess” and I feel as you soon as you hear that, you know this person. They are usually: hot females in their early 20’s, not wearing much clothing but decorated with stick-on gems, coloured furs, gold tassels and glitter makeup, wearing braids in the hair or a ringmaster’s hat on their head, and dancing in a carefree fashion through the festival grounds while holding their best friend’s hand.

4. Straight up swimwear

I’m sorry, is there a pool nearby? Because it’s 45 f*****g degrees out here in the desert so don’t be holding out on the rest of us if there is.

5. Swimwear meets bondage

If you don’t feel super comfortable wearing your bikini for three days straight in public, all you really need to do is add some bondage accessories. Padlocks. Belly chains. Anything metal. And voila, you are Coachella-ready.

6. Braids, braids and look! More braids.

Music festivals are like one big ol’ braid-off, with every girl competing on who can pull off the most amount of intricately weaved and decorated braids. You win if you have at least eight braids that are threaded with glitter and metal stars and took the whole week prior to prepare.

7. Blondes that look like Tara Reid

Oh wait no, that actually is Tara Reid. (Fun fact: I saw the real Tara Reid at Coachella).

8. Girls that look too good for getting ready in a tent

How do you do it??? Do you have a secret iron (and for that matter, powerpoint) in there? How do you not lose your necklace at the bottom of your suitcase? Why aren’t you covered in dirt and Jägerbombs?

9. Makeup that looks too good for getting applied in a rear vision mirror

Do you smuggle in a makeup artist before dawn every morning? How do you get your eyeshadow to do that with a small mirror in one hand? Why doesn’t your makeup slide off in the desert heat?

10. Kardashian/Jenner bots

Speaking of girls with perfect outfits and perfect makeup, it’s no surprise Coachella will be littered with thousands of Kardashian/Jenner lookalikes. If any of them actually attend it will be like a big game of Where’s Wally (Kylie).

11. The I.Am.Gia brigade

If there’s one label we’ll be seeing more than any other this year, it’s I.Am.Gia, with all of its cargo pants and bikini tops and pocket chains. It’s an Australian-girl-at-Coachella’s dream. Yes, everyone will be wearing it, but look on the bright side: at least you won’t feel insecure about being overdressed or underdressed.

12. Really tiny sunglasses

Society (and Kanye West) said oversized sunglasses are out, so they are out, okay? Really, really teeny tiny sunglasses that only 1% of the human population (supermodels) suit, however, are in. Don’t embarrass yourself by wearing last year’s reflector sunglasses trend.

13. Glitter everywhere. Yes, even there.

Glitter is like sand – it gets bloody everywhere. But at least sand has the decency to f**k off when you give it a quick brush. Not glitter. One swipe of glitter on your eyelids for Coachella and you’ll be finding glitter in your knickers, on your lipstick and in your bag of chips for the rest of the weekend.

14. Earth children

Earth children are deep souls. They express themselves and their beliefs through their outfit, which was pieced together from their adventures through Morocco. They don’t conform to trends, even though hundreds of other people around them are wearing the same thing from Spell in Byron Bay. Their calling cards are paisley, turquoise jewels, maxi dresses and wide-brim suede hats, but they are not to be confused with ‘faux hippies’ who also love a bit of paisley and turquoise, albeit from the aisles of Sportsgirl.

15. Ironically, tracksuits

Tracksuits are fashion’s MVP right now so get ready to see a lot of them on your feed from Coachella weekend. It doesn’t matter if Palm Springs is as hot as the surface of the sun, people will wear their tracksuit pants and there’s nothing you can do about it. They might even wear their beret too because #farshun.

16. The classic sheer maxi dress with high-waisted undies combo

If there’s a music festival in the world, the classic sheer maxi dress with high-waisted undies combo will find it and it will take over.

17. Someone making out with a tree

Okay, so not so much a ‘fashion prediction’ but a Coachella prediction all the same. Maybe whoever makes out with a tree on YouTube this year will be wearing really tiny sunglasses?

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