Challenging myself to show off my cleavage as an asexual girlie

Exposure therapy.

I have a problem – make that two problems. And they are seated directly on my chest. Yes, I’m talking about my boobs. The two sacks of soft fat that have caused me no small amount of grief over the past decade of having G-cups. From searing back pain to hypersexualisation, I’ve been through it all.

But there’s an additional factor that adds to my discomfort surrounding my boobs: my asexuality. I have big tits, wide hips and an hourglass figure, (i.e. a body type that is often hypersexualised), so I often find myself shying away from clothing that’s super short or too ‘booby’ in the hopes that I won’t be sexualised.

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I’m aware of how flawed this logic is, given that clothing has nothing to do with whether men will harass you or not (a point that the non-profit, What Were You Wearing, has repeatedly made). But I guess my mentality has been that if there’s even a slight chance that wearing more conservative clothing will lessen the likelihood of harassment, then I will fucking take it.

This belief trickled down into my aesthetic around the time I realised I was asexual – I looked like a toddler who got to dress herself for kindergarten. It’s the polar opposite of the way I dressed in high school. I wore low-cut tops every chance I got and took some twisted form of delight in people thinking I was hot because I thought that meant I was normal.

But I grew up to realise I don’t want either of those mentalities. I don’t want to be in constant fear that the clothing I’m wearing could give people the wrong idea, but I also don’t want my clothing to be a way for me to have to justify my sexual identity. I just want to be able to wear the clothes I want and not have them be worthy of a think piece.

So I decided to challenge myself to wear revealing clothing (in other words, exposure therapy) to see if I could get comfortable, or if I would end up running back to my cosy cardigans in disgust.

First round: Low-cut top
Level: Easy

This yellow Suku top is one of the more cleavage-baring options I have in my closet but I’ve been somewhat avoiding it since I had to move seats on a tram last year due to a man leering at me. I wore this top out to brunch with friends but I was feeling a bit uncomfortable that day, so I mostly buttoned up my coat. All in all, this first round was kind of a fail. Whoops?

Second round: Corset top
Level: Medium

For my second round, I decided to wear a black corset top to karaoke with some friends. It is quite low cut but the reason I classified this as a medium is because I was with friends who are all queer, and we had a private room at karaoke. It was mostly about building confidence in wearing something low-cut around other humans, but in a safe space. I also kept my hair in a bun so I couldn’t use my long hair as a boob curtain. All in all, this night was a success with no catcalling, just red marks on my stomach from the boning in the corset.

Third round: Sheer(ish) dress
Level: Intermediate

@alliedaisykingg its so sabrina coded #midsizefashion #midsizegal #trinkets #miffy #ootd #pinterestaesthetic ♬ Juno – Sabrina Carpenter

I got the most beautiful blue vintage ’50s nightgown from Chapel Street Bazaar a few months back and I’ve anxiously been awaiting its debut. The first 25-degree day in Melbourne this season was the perfect setting. The dress itself is pretty sheer but the matching nightgown makes it feel less noticeable. I was nervous wearing this as it shows boobs and legs and it’s more on the transparent side, but I love this dress so I forced myself to wear it.

In this outfit, I caught public transport, walked 10,000 steps, went shopping, sat in a park and went to two events. I got some judgemental looks from some older ladies lunching on Gertrude Street, but for the most part, I just got compliments from the girlies. Another win!

Fourth round: Short shorts and a tight top
Level: Hard

@alliedaisykingg here’s to matching sets and sundresses all summer long 🌷 #midsizefashion #midsize #trinkets #ootd #pinterestaesthetic @SUKU Home ♬ belly conklin x brazil – gracie

This one was tough. I started the day in Bunnings of all places and I definitely got some stares (not quite the ‘she is so cunty and stylish’ ones, more lascivious). This only got worse as the night progressed. I felt really scared walking in front of a group of rowdy men on Brunswick Street and I heard them making lewd comments.

When I was getting out of my Uber later that night in front of my home, another driver slowed down his car and started catcalling me saying “Show us your tits”. I’m glad that I made it through the night in one piece but honestly, I was really scared for the majority of it.

Fifth (and final) round: Mini dress with cleavage
Level: Yikes

 

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So my preface is that I wore this outfit to a Chappell Roan prom event (yes a lot of the crowd was queer) but it was in a room at a venue that generally caters to straight white bros who work in finance. Given this outfit was a costume, I was getting many compliments. I did have a fair share of lesbians hitting on me which always feels so much less scary than when a man does it. If I turn a lesbian down, we become good friends, but if I turn a man down there will always be a part of me that is fearing for my life.

Towards the end of the night, the event started to let straight men in (how did I know they were straight you ask? When ‘Hot To Go’ came on, they looked bewildered). There were a few in particular that were always dancing right next to me no matter how many times I moved. One tried to grind his ass into mine and the rest were just staring at my boobs.

I was lucky that I was with such supportive and understanding friends who were trying to protect my safety and sanity. Despite the straight men, I did have a fun time and I liked my outfit! Wearing a fun costume should not have to cause such severe anxiety.

Final thoughts

I wish we lived in a world where women’s bodies weren’t sexualised without their consent and that we could just live in peace, but sadly, that’s not our world. Instead, I’m just going to have to find different ways to be comfortable.

I’m really glad that I allowed myself the space to experiment more with my style and I think I will continue to break down these self-imposed style barriers because it is my fucking body and I will wear what I fucking want to.

For more on asexuality, try this.