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16 thoughts I had while watching the Brownlow red carpet last night

Aka the WAG Oscars.

Ok, here we go. It’s time for the annual wedding dress convention, aka the Brownlow, aka the WAG Oscars. I’m pretty sure most of these gals were like ‘oh, this guy’s ok I guess, but if I hang on to this average relationship for a couple more months, I’ll get to stalk the Brownies! #worthit’

Let’s have a look at all the wives and girlfriends in their all-very-unique-and-special outfits.

Onward!

Thought #1

Who is Belinda Sloane, and if she isn’t a WAG she’s defo putting on a good show in that Barbie pink number with a shoulder bow that would rival the entire decade of the ’80s in ridiculousness. My bored husband (who is on Official Google Search Duties) confirms she is indeed a WAG, and a presenter for SA Weekender. Good on ya girl, get dem big Radelaide dollaz.

Thought #2

MY GIRL, FINCHY, SO MANY THOUGHTS. Ok, breathe. Hun, it’s the Brownlow, probs would have been good for you to get your roots done? Did you match your lippie to your roots, and/or why? Dress is totally not Brownlow appropriate, and by that I mean it’s legit delightful and not hideous at all. What were you thinking. #dressforthecrowd

Thought #3

Finchy asks assorted WAG in another Barbie pink dress to confirm that her amazing dress sense must have come from her ‘interior design business’. Yeah ok, show me the last time you dressed a couch and a person in the same fabric, Finchy. Oh wait… #kouchkardashian

Thought #4

I’ve seen four WAGS in a row, and none of them are wearing white. What in good God’s name is going on people? Brides-to-be are weeping across the nation.

Thought #5

Zzzzzz… what, who, what, oh I’m so sorry guys, I dozed off while watching these riveting red carpet lines of questioning. #whoareyouwearing

Thought #6

Blonde WAG is being interviewed by Brendan Fevola about her dress, and she looks incredibly bored already. JUST WAIT TILL YOU HAVE TO LISTEN TO THEM CALL OUT VARIOUS FOOTBALLER NAMES AND POINTS FOR BAZILLITY-FIVE HOURS, LOL. Her bright red dress has a lot of ideas in it. Fire engine red! Lace-up front! Cutouts! Sequins! Exposed back! It’s like the clickbait of WAG dresses. Fevola takes her ‘custom’ comment, and one-ups her with a conversation ending pun about ‘one night only’. Ew.

Thought #7

FINALLY A WHITE DRESS. This is what I came for. Strapless, covered in a floral motif, and a huge split that’s totally inappropriate for a wedding. So basically, it’s perfect for the Jersey Shore bride. #ButFirstGTL

Thought #8

Kate Turner has decided to wear Maleficent-chic. You evil kween bitch, werk that high-necked black lace number with full tulle ball skirt that’s definitely not swallowing your entire head whole.

Thought #9

Adelle Boglis absolutely smashes the carpet with a sheer blue Jason Grech number. It’s probably the only IRL #fashun we’ll see all night.

Thought #10

A procession of white dresses flashes across the screen – strapless, boring. Some respectable low-cut glittery number, boring. Another strapless snore. OH GOD WHO WAS WEARING THAT SHOULDER SITUATION I THINK SHE’S ABOUT TO TAKE OFF. Can’t decide if Cher realness or Libra with wings guerrilla #spon. My eyes hurt.

Thought #11

Pls stop interviewing the AFL players, they’re literally the most boring people ever. BRING US MORE SNARK-FOOD!

Thought #12

Oh goodness, Ana Calle appears to have mistaken the all-round horror-emojis for Lena Dunham’s tiered, pink 2014 Emmys disaster for red carpet inspo. Someone get her a history book, stat.

Thought #13

Jordan Ablett is a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. Also, Fergie in the Black Eyed Peas circa 2005, personified in a gown.

Thought #14

Every horrifying fashion moment brought to you by #SwisseRedCarpet. Have we mentioned that the contracted number of times yet? Wait, let’s mention it one more time, after the Peter Jackson spon. #synergy #susanalbumparty

Thought #15

Shhhh, a lovely preggers lady is talking, who took the Diva Laguna hairstyle into the hairdresser earlier today.

Thought #16

Production notes: pls, I beg you, no more asking the WAGs to do awkward circle walks in their dresses on their carpet next year. It’s like watching the same robot malfunction, over and over again, as they miss the soccer ball they’ve been functioned to kick.

Good night WAGs! My job is done, but yours has only just begun. And as if to rub salt into your wounds, you have to now listen to Dami Im performing a lacklustre rendition of her 2016 Eurovision smash hit.

Perhaps it’s a timely reminder for all the footballers in the room that second really isn’t as good as first?

Follow Bianca’s #sponsored fashion journey, brought to you by Aldi cheese sticks and off-brand tube socks over at @_thesecondrow.

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