ANTM recap: The one with Miranda Kerr

I would have passed out and required Miranda Kerr CPR.

As I begin writing this week, I’m met with a little sadness. With only five girls left, the competition just seems a little empty. 

Like many ‘professional’ re-cappers before me, *cough Rosie Waterland cough*, I have tried to remain impartial in my reviews of the girls. However, Belinda is one that I kept very close to my heart. She just seemed so humble and happy to be there. I’m really gonna miss that gal.

Might I also add a random, albeit relevant, anecdote: I ran into eliminated contestant Summer at an undisclosed and extremely confidential event over the weekend (a nightclub). Well, ‘ran into’ is probably the wrong term to use – it was more of a ‘tap on the shoulder’ type situation. I was equal parts star struck and joyed at the chance to tell her about my recaps. She was graceful, polite and went along with what I can only imagine was unpalatable harassment/fangirling on my end. So who knows, maybe she is reading these today! If so, hey! And sorry for bothering you, Summer.

Anyway, back to the show. 

This week opens with trouble in paradise. Aleyna is having flashbacks to last week, when Kassidy classified, or KASSIFIED (patent pending), her as the biggest threat in the competition. Well, duh. At only 16, however, Aleyna feels a little upset and excluded by the whole incident.

Just as the girls are liaising outside, Jen walks into the model mansion. It genuinely looks as if someone has been hired to hold up a hair fan as she walks. Seriously, whose hair NATURALLY bounces like that? Maybe mine if I’m RUNNING to Dan Murphy’s before it closes, but not at a natural walking pace. Only Jen. 

Linnea describes her entrance as a surprise. This always gets me going. It’s as if they’ve forgotten that they’re in a modelling competition and the host of said competition could possibly drop by at anytime? I mean if Jennifer Hawkins ever rang my doorbell, it might be enough for me to lower my remote/pizza. But the house of the show she HOSTS? Not so surprising. 

She drops the bombshell that these girls have made it to the Top 5!! If you understand basic numeracy, you have already counted the heads to conclude this fact. But it’s still exciting nonetheless.

Today, their task will be to define their personal brand and then use it to showcase the MAZDA 2!!!! These producers waste no time or effort trying to seamlessly integrate their sponsors. Nope, they are smack bang at the centre of challenges. I love it.

To welcome them is MAZDA brand ambassador, Lauren Phillips. Now, time for another seemingly irrelevant personal anecdote: I once went to Lauren Phillips’ house for a wardrobe sale that she advertised on her Instagram. I know what you’re thinking: Eliza, I do not care. But, I got to rummage through her secondhand clothes!! I won’t give away the exact location, but we did get to meet her sausage dog. It was awesome.

Now I know that was a riveting story, however, we must return to the challenge.

The girls will be taking the cars out on the road in search of a location that expresses their own personality. They will then take a photograph that displays their personal style, but remember it’s about the car, ladies!!!!! Here I was thinking that the M in ANTM stood for model, but I think it actually stands for MAZDA.

Daisy announces that her personal brand is all about beaches. Surprise bloody surprise. I honestly feel like the beaching tourist society of Australia should pay her for the number of times she has given them a mention. She’d be a rich lil lady.

This is interrupted by an awkward glitch from Aleyna. She is asked about her personal brand and draws a very big blank. With this challenge occurring in teams, I get the feeling she will be picked last : (

Jordan and Zac will be the girls’ designated drivers and I slowly hate myself for not knowing about this earlier. I could have staged a teeny tiny car crash with one of the Stenmark-driven MAZDAs, then played the whole ‘damsel in distress’ card. Would have been a cute story to tell at the wedding.

Team One consists of Linnea and Daisy

Team Two consists of Sabine, Kassidy and Aleyna

Let the MAZDA games begin.

Sabine starts shooting and looks like a crazy bag lady. She has so many props it’s hilarious. From the hat to the book and paintbrush, I’ve kind of forgotten what she is supposed to be selling.

Next is Aleyna who is again, overwhelmed. But where there is a Stenmark, there is a pep talk. And where there is a Stenmark pep talk, there are ample clichés. They should sort her out.

Meanwhile, Daisy and Linnea have arrived on the coast. Daisy basically nails it within the first few minutes. Much beach, very Bondi.

Kassidy is next with the personal brand, ‘city style.’ I think it should be reworked to ‘slightly controlling’ because she is shouting more directions than a traffic guard. It’s like a scene from my Year 9 social pres: ‘CAN YOU JUST KEEP TAKING HEAPS OF PHOTOS!?” “GET MY HAIR IN IT” “I NEED IT TO SHOW THIS IS WHAT I’M DOING.” Jesus, I feel for her friends who have to take her instas.

Linnea is last and has positioned her MAZDA at the Bondi skate park. She is totally channelling Avril Lavigne right now.

Back to the studio where we meet Lauren and Cheyenne, plus two obnoxiously placed red MAZDAs behind them. So much red.

The girls’ photos are flicked through, constructive criticism is delivered, the word MAZDA has lost all meaning. Blah, Blah, Blah.

The winner is… Aleyna!! No real shock. However, I think Kassidy is going to burst into flames. Hopefully she delivers this BTS sass at the photoshoot.

Um, I clearly spoke to soon. The only person that will be delivering sass on this photoshoot is the MAN HIMSELF, Alex Perry. He goes on to introduce the photographer and all I can do is count my lucky stars that he exists on this earth. All loving aside, however, who is the stylist on this show and how do they still have a job? This purple number Alex is sporting looks like it’s being stretched to its last thread? But tbh, I do not mind an Alex Perry rig.

Just as I work to adjust my eyes, Alex introduces the ICONIC Miranda Kerr. This is the best episode by far!! She walks into the studio to that Meghan Trainor song that is so damn catchy and appropriate for this moment:

‘If I was you, I’d wanna be me too. I’d wanna be me too. I’d wanna be me too.’

Um, no shit. If I were Miranda Kerr, I would laugh at anyone that wouldn’t want to be me.

She’s so smiley and dimple-y, you wonder if she’s actually real or a mirage sent from heaven. Her and Alex standing next to each other are a VISION. And it’s probably a good thing I wasn’t in that room because I would have passed out and required Miranda Kerr CPR.

The girls are all designated a colour and dressed in costume-inspired clothing. Linnea is up first in a pink outfit that is reminiscent of the girls I saw in Harajuku. That’s right, I’ve been to Japan. I’m cultured.

Her shoot is short and sweet, made even better by direction from Miranda (cute that I think we’re on a first name basis). Um, Miranda actually touched Linnea’s cheek. I’d never bathe again.

Kassidy is next in red which reminds me all too much of the MAZDAs. Her ballgown is slightly overwhelming, a fact made even more obvious when she’s asked to fiercely strut through a sea of balloons. She complains her shoes are too big and it’s awks to say the least. Do you think Miranda complained when her Victoria’s Secret wings weighed more than she did? Do you think Miranda complained when she gave birth to the cutest baby boy on earth? Suck it up sister!!!

Sabine comes out in a purple number that resembles The Mad Hatter from Alice in Wonderland.  Miranda compliments her “stare” and her dimples gleam like the sunlight. Is it obvious I have a little crush?

Up next is Daisy in blue. The amount of variation in her face resembles the motions you go through when you’re trying to activate a Snapchat filter. “I was just… cringing a little,” says Miranda. That is the kiss of death.

Aleyna is last and wearing one of Alex Perry’s designs. What an honour. Although her colour is yellow, she is anything but happy and sunshine-y. She continues to dwell on the negatives, neglecting to follow Miranda’s feedback about those damn awkward hands. Hope it doesn’t hurt her in the long run.

Judging time, I am v keen for this one.

Linnea is first and is hoping to redeem her low challenge score. When her photo appears, she is met with wows from the judges. The words ‘insane’ and ‘love’ are being thrown around, even by Alex Perry, how good is that.

Sabine is next and the judges are lovin’ her look. Especially Megan which is the ultimate compliment. This is Megan’s world; we’re just living in it. They think she has embodied the shoot 100% and I must say, I love her photo. She is also so damn cute that you can’t help but love her.

The judges are eager to see the next shot of Kassidy. You can tell she wants it more than anyone, and to be honest, I think she belongs on the American season of the show. Not even in a bad way, I just think she sees it as more of a competition than all the others. Much respect.

Her photo, however, isn’t amazing. The fashion has overpowered her and she is continuing to make excuses. The shoes were too big, the dress was too large. You’re talking to MISS UNIVERSE here, plus Megan Gale and Jennifer Hawkins, too.  Her dismal scores place her at the bottom of the leaderboard.

Aleyna’s awkward hands see her photo receive less than ideal feedback. However, her challenge win sees her safe for this week.

Daisy steps up to judging and delivers a humble speech that sounds like a farewell. Kassidy is giving her the death stare of a lifetime. When her photo appears, it’s pretty cute but a bit, nothing. It isn’t really doing much for me.

So will it be the beach-loving sunshine that is Daisy? Or the side-eyeing Kassidy who could give the American girls a run for their money?

Out of nowhere, Alex scores Daisy a 9, meaning Kassidy is the one to be eliminated. I feel that you could cut the tension with a knife. I’m not sure if she’s holding back tears or plotting how she can build a time machine to go back and rig the photoshoot. She looks devastated and the whole room knows it.

She departs. However, not before some sassy remarks.

“I’m not going to say bye, I’m just going to walk out”

“I’m angry, I thought my photo was way better than Daisy’s,” she says. “And Alex just obviously liked Daisy’s better. I’m kind of glad that I’m going home because I don’t need this show to do amazing things. It’s up to me now.”



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