Miss having your own room? Get a ‘sleep divorce’

“Ultimately, the problem isn’t where you sleep, it’s how connected you feel.”

Living with your partner comes with many wonderful benefits. It’s like a built-in best friend – one you can laugh with, cook alongside and perhaps most importantly, split the rent with. One of the inevitable compromises that comes with cohabiting however, tends to involve forfeiting your right to your own bedroom.

When we’re young, our rooms represent the crux of who we are, and what we’re going through. They’re covered in posters of celebrity crushes, they’re a haven that we can escape to, a space that is ours, and no one else’s. To give that up, simply because you’re in a relationship, can feel like a loss of sorts.

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It’s not a massive surprise that we’d give that up to share a bed with someone we’re choosing to spend our lives with. There’s deep sense of intimacy forged when you sleep with someone every night. That, and the fact that a shared bed often leads to an increased likelihood of regular sex.

For some, it’s a deal worth making. In fact, according to Healthylife sleep expert and CEO of the Sleep Health Foundation Dr Moira Junge, 92 per cent of Australians share a bed with their partner. Though that’s an overwhelming majority, it still means eight per cent of Australians (approximately two million people) don’t sleep next to their long term partner. “That’s a pretty large number,” Dr Moira says.

Unsurprisingly, the idea of a ‘sleep divorce’ is fairly contentious online. While some people swear by it, others are certain it’s the first sign of your relationship falling apart.

So, what is a ‘sleep divorce’?

A sleep divorce is exactly as the label reads – it describes a situation where a couple choose not to sleep togrther, but remain in a happy and committed relationship. As Dr Moira explains, it’s typically based on improving sleep quality and reducing any tension that some couples might face over sleep disturbances.

A fairly big elephant in the room is the fact that in order to sleep in seperate bedrooms, it implies your house is big enough for seperate bedrooms (in this economy!). But this can look different depending on the couple – it might mean seperate rooms or seperate beds, but it can also involve seperate sleep schedules.

Sleep compatibility

Is your partner’s tossing and turning keeping you up? Are they are chronic snorer? Maybe they’re an insomniac? If you ticked any of the above, it turns out you might not be ‘sleep compatible’.

Sleep compatibility refers to the amount and quality of sleep you’re getting when sharing a bed with someone else. “[It] can also extend to how much value and priority you place on sleep, how much sleep you need, and the timing of your sleep, like whether you’re a night owl or early bird,” Dr Moira says.

Though not everyone will experience sleep disturbances, if your sleep is regularly disrupted, it can do more than simply make you tired. “It can keep your nervous system in a stressed, hyper-vigilant state, which is indicative of the nervous system being overstimulated,” she adds.

“This can undermine both mental and physical health and if the sleep disturbance is constant and chronic, can lead to cognitive, emotional, and medical consequences such as reduced memory, poor emotional regulation, heightened stress and sensitivity and being more ‘run down’ with lowered immunity.”

Though you might be a perfect match in every other way, if you’re not getting enough sleep, then it’s worth doing something about it.

Is your relationship doomed?

On paper, the mere idea of sleeping in seperate beds feels like a bad relationship omen. However, sex, relationship and body image therapist Aleks Trkulja disagrees with the assumption that it’s inherently negative.

“Sleeping in the same bed doesn’t define the quality of your relationship,” she says. “Things like the quality of communication, or quality time spent together, hell whether you even like each other, are better indicators. For some people, sleeping in separate rooms works perfectly for their relationship.”

Prioritising intimacy

As Aleks says, sleep divorces aren’t a risk, as long as intimacy is prioritised elsewhere. As she says, you can still sleep, have sex, cuddle and do aftercare while sleeping in seperate beds.

Naturally, circumstances play a big part, too. “Perhaps one person works night shifts? Or has to breastfeed throughout the night?” Aleks asks. “A couple choosing to sleep in separate rooms would only be problematic if it’s another form of de-prioritising intimacy alongside no longer making effort for connection, date nights and quality time.”

The solution to this? To make time for intimacy. This can look however you want – whether that’s spontaneous sex, cuddling before bed or discussing your day over dinner . “Ultimately, the problem isn’t where you sleep, it’s how connected you feel.”

How to ask for a sleep divorce

If the idea of sleeping separately is sounding appealing, it’s important to initiate the conversation with care. “When having this conversation it’s important not to accuse or place blame, as it’s usually outside of the person’s control – they’re asleep after all,” Dr Moira explains.

If there are key issues, like snoring or needing to use the bathroom repeatedly through the night, then Dr Moira flags that it’s always worth consulting a doctor to make sure there are no underlying issues. But if you’re simply not getting enough sleep, or you miss the feeling of sleeping alone, there’s nothing wrong with raising the topic.

And if you don’t happen to have an empty bedroom? You can always pull straws on who takes the sofa bed.

For more on sleep divorces, try this.