I’m 34, shouldn’t I know if I want to have kids?

“Kids make me nervous because I’ve seen friends struggle with the responsibility and the finality of it all.”

If you asked someone to describe me they’d probably say I was action-oriented and decisive to a fault. But lately, there’s one question I keep coming back to that I can’t answer: whether or not to have kids. I know lots of people who have dreamt about becoming a parent since they were little. I’m not one of them. Being maternal hasn’t come naturally to me and over the last decade when many of my friends have fawned over babies, I’d look at them quizzically, feeling nothing and wondering if I was missing the mummy gene.

But recently, at age 34, something has slightly shifted in me. Perhaps it’s because I’ve entered the kind of relationship I always dreamed of but never thought I’d find. My boyfriend is exquisite; he’s self-aware, kind, considerate, funny, handsome and deeply intelligent. I can picture us having a kid together, something I’ve never envisioned in previous relationships.

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This newfound openness could also be the result of being smacked in the face with love when my two nephews were born. If being an aunty is the best thing ever, perhaps being a mum is too? Over the last year, my boyfriend and I have started seriously talking about whether we should start a family. We love the idea of creating a little someone together and while we can absolutely picture our lives this way, neither of us is overly sure about the idea. I’d say that of any of life’s decisions this is the one you want to be sure of before diving in.

Selfishly there’s a big part of me that finds it hard to fathom giving up the lifestyle we’ve both worked so hard to build; the kind of lifestyle where we snooze on a Sunday morning until whatever time we feel like getting up. One where our apartment is a plant-filled incense-burning sanctuary rather than a chaotic playground, there’s no anxiety-inducing clutter or mess and I can read and write for hours in deep focus, uninterrupted.

The type of life where we hit up dumplings on Wednesday, our local pub on a Thursday, meet friends at a bar on a Friday, buy fresh flowers and pastries on a Saturday and spend the night in with a bottle of wine and not-a-G-rated movie on a Sunday. The type of life where I can joyfully funnel energy into my businesses and career.

If I’m honest, kids make me nervous because I’ve seen friends struggle with the responsibility and the finality of it all (you can’t change your mind and return a baby) as well as the impact it has on their relationship and identity. In some instances, couples around me who were amazing together have fallen completely apart. I recently came across the regretful parents thread on Reddit and saw thousands of comments from people who regret their choice saying things like “I’m tired of this gig”, “I just want to be free”, and “I have no connection to the kids and no motivation to parent”.

While my boyfriend and I are lucky to have a rock-solid relationship and a brilliant support network of friends and family, it seems like parenting involves giving up a lot for something I’m not sure I want in the first place. And it’s not just me questioning the decision to have a family. The global fertility rate has been in steady decline since the 1970s driven in part by women’s increased participation in education and the workforce leading to fewer of us choosing to have kids.

But while there are increased numbers of women in the workforce (good!) we still bear the burden of the domestic and family responsibilities (not so good!). Being a mum, let alone a working one, sounds bloody exhausting. So perhaps the answer is not to have any kids and spend our lives travelling, adventuring and doing whatever we want. But that doesn’t feel right either. As soon as I let my mind wander to this place I feel anxious. I’m not ready to accept that I want to have a kid but I’m also not ready to accept that I won’t.

I’d take a bullet for my nephews so I can only imagine how much love I’d feel for a child that was mine. Thinking about our long-term future without a family also makes me a little sad. There’s comfort in knowing that when we’re old, grey and withered, our kids would visit us to drink wine and play board games. Plus, seeing a little human that’s half me and half my boyfriend running around would be pretty damn cute. There’s definitely a strong part of me that’s scared to miss out on the life experience that is parenthood.

Why is this so hard?

I recently heard someone say that with kids your life gets ten times harder and a hundred times better. So is it true that the good really does outweigh the bad? As of today I can’t wrap this question up neatly and tie a bow around my answer. The fact that I’m mid-thirties and hurtling towards being a geriatric pregnant person (don’t even get me started on that label) is also playing on my mind. Who knows if we can even conceive? Perhaps the decision will be taken away from us.

I guess where we’ve landed is that while we don’t know how things will play out, deep down I’m certain we’ll enjoy life either way. If we have kids, we’ll live a life full of laughter, love and adventure. And if we don’t, we’ll live a life full of the same.

For advice on deciding whether you want children or not, try this.