“What if this was my only chance to have a baby?”: My complicated experience with abortion as someone with PCOS

“I sat on the toilet for hours crying in pain, not knowing what to do, who to call, or how long it would last.”

When you’re young you do everything you can to make sure you don’t get pregnant. But why do we never talk about what it actually feels like if your pregnancy test turns out to be positive and you aren’t in the position to keep it? 

In 2019, I found out I had PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome) and a large fibroid in the lining of my uterus which has the possibility of impacting my ability to fall pregnant. I remember the pain in my chest when I heard those words come out of my doctor’s mouth. My longing to be a mother one day may not become a reality.

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My doctor was hopeful; her words still ring through my mind whenever I’m full of anxiety and worry about the future. She herself has PCOS and hasn’t had any trouble having multiple children. However, in the back of my mind, the possibility of not carrying a child scares me more than I like to admit. 

Two years after I first learned of my diagnosis, my seven-year relationship came to an end. Two weeks after I broke up with my partner, I started to notice that I felt different within my body. I just didn’t feel like myself. I’d been so consumed by my breakup and the fear of my whole life changing that I mistakenly believed that this was just what serious breakups felt like. Just to be on the safe side, I did a pregnancy test. 

Throughout your twenties you do so many pregnancy tests ‘just in case’, even if your period is only a few days late. This one felt different before it was even complete. As soon as I peed on that stick, it felt like the double lines came up straight away. I quickly grabbed another test out of the packet, and it was positive again. I did every single pregnancy test in the box. All of them were positive. 

I didn’t know what to do next. I was in complete shock. I lived on the Gold Coast at the time, and I wasn’t sure if it was illegal or not to have an abortion. I didn’t know if I had to cross the border into New South Wales, I didn’t know where to go. I had no idea. I remember crying more than anything. Maybe it was the hormones or the fact that this was one of those decisions I knew would change my life forever.

On one hand, I knew I wasn’t in a position to keep this baby. Being raised by a single mum, I knew how hard it was and I didn’t want to bring a baby into this world with an already separated family. But after finding out I had PCOS a few years before, what if this was my one and only chance to have a baby? What if I didn’t fall pregnant again and I’d blown this one opportunity to bring life into the world? 

My mind was full of what-ifs. At the doctor’s, the question at the forefront of my mind was whether or not getting an abortion would affect my ability to fall pregnant in the future. The doctor assured me that my ability to get pregnant was a good sign – it showed my fertility was sound and that in the future, I shouldn’t have too much trouble falling pregnant. This eased my mind, but the fear of infertility is still something that lingers in the back of my mind to this day. My doctor informed me I needed to make an appointment with a specialist doctor to organise getting the abortion.

At my appointment to see this specialist doctor, I was in the waiting room on my own. I’d told one friend and, of course, my ex. I was embarrassed, ashamed and confused. I felt like no one would understand. I remember just wanting to call my mum, which made me even more emotional. I wanted her to be there with me, to hold my hand and tell me everything would be okay. Isn’t it funny; I was a grown woman and still, all I wanted was love and support from my mother. 

The doctor I saw was absolutely lovely and assured me that my feelings were normal, completely valid and more common than I realised. She saw numerous women every single day. In order to have an abortion you first need to determine how far along you are by having an ultrasound. This was hands down the hardest part for me. Going into the ultrasound alone, looking at the baby, its shape, hearing the heartbeat, marvelling that something so incredible is growing inside of you. Women really are amazing.

But I wasn’t choosing to keep this baby that I was growing. I remember the ache in my chest as I lay there and the sonographer was excitedly showing me everything on this tiny screen. I was eight weeks pregnant. Walking out of that appointment my whole body was shaking. I got to my car and bawled my eyes out. It was the kind of cry where you can’t breathe and your chest feels like it’s caving in on you. I felt so alone and confused. I was lost.

What I find peculiar about my experience is that even though I’d decided I was terminating my pregnancy, I still had this urge to protect the baby growing inside of me. I didn’t drink alcohol at my best friend’s birthday party. I worried whether it was okay to eat sushi. It’s like my motherly instinct kicked in straight away. My body changed so quickly and my boobs were incredibly sore. Every speed hump while driving felt like a kick in the chest. 

Getting the abortion

The abortion option I chose was to have the tablet over the surgery. It was less invasive and I could be at home. What I didn’t really understand was how painful it would be and that I would literally feel every single clot pass through my body. I also didn’t realise that I would be spotting for around six weeks afterwards. During the abortion, I sat on the toilet for hours crying in pain, not knowing what to do, who to call or how long it would last. 

It wasn’t something many of my friends had been through so not many of them understood what I was going through. I was lucky I had a friend who had been through a similar situation before and she was able to talk me through the whole process. She made me feel less alone but there are so many women out there who don’t have that friend.

I remember waking up a few months after the abortion from a dream that I was holding my baby in my arms. I could feel them and it felt so real. Even though I wasn’t ready, I still loved it. It still grew inside of me. Now I call it my angel baby; I even got a tattoo to remind me of the life I could have given birth to. 

Until I shared my story on my podcast, I didn’t realise just how common this feeling and experience was. Women flooded my DMs with similar stories of loneliness and confusion. No one talks about their abortion experience because there is so much shame and stigma around it.

For some women, it had been years since they had their abortions and despite knowing they made the right decision, it still caused them so much pain. Even talking about it on my podcast was scary. I didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. But if one woman feels less alone on her journey, then I know reliving that painful experience was worth it. 

You can listen to Alicia’s podcast episode here, and keep up with her on Instagram here.