How should you disclose your STI status to a new partner? I asked a sex therapist for advice

“For many people, the real and perceived stigma is worse than the actual STI.”

Dating someone new can be scary. For me, casual hookups are even more anxiety-inducing. A potentially scary part of dating and having sex with someone new is having ‘the talk’. Speaking honestly about your sexual health to a new partner is a really key part of a mature, consensual (and even sexy!!) sexual relationship.

It’s something I’ve only ever considered when I’ve felt the occasional itch or bump down there and wondered what it would be like to disclose an STI to a partner. It wasn’t something we were taught about in high school, and I haven’t learnt about it anywhere else – in fact, it feels like talking about sexual health and STIs is still rather taboo.

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I found shockingly little advice out there on what it’s like to tell a partner about your sexual health status, and how to go about it. In search of some advice, I posed my questions to Sex and Relationship Therapist Selina Nguyen, who gave me a very educational rundown. 

I imagine telling someone you have an STI could potentially be really scary, as you’re putting yourself in a vulnerable position. What goes into disclosing this information? 

[The] first step with all of this is destigmatising the condition within yourself. STIs and sexual health can be laden with negative associations of dirtiness and shame, and the reality is that it’s just a health condition. We wouldn’t say someone who got the flu was disgusting and shameful, nor would we say that of someone who’s been diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes these things just happen and it’s important that you keep that front of mind heading into these conversations. 

From here, you want to figure out the ‘how’. Some people feel comfortable doing it over text or even putting it on their dating profile, [while] some prefer having [a] face-to-face conversation. No matter your method of choice, make sure you’re prepared to educate or answer any questions your partner may have. This might look like [telling them] what medications you’re on or what it might mean for them.

It’s important to remember that this isn’t about seeking approval or admitting wrongdoing like you’ve committed a crime by having an STI – you’re simply sharing information [so] that everyone involved [can] make an informed decision. It’s also a great measure of whether or not this potential partner is responsive and accommodating to your needs, so remember that the conversation is a two-way street and you should also be asking about their sexual health. 

You could lead the experience by asking them first when their last screening was and if there’s anything you should know. By framing it like this, you’re approaching the conversation casually and non-judgmentally and modelling that to them. It’s also important to remember that talking about it will set you up for a better sexual experience because you can feel comfortable knowing that it’s not something you have to hide and that you can feel heard and supported in your requests. 

What if the new partner reacts badly? How should you handle that emotional rejection? 

It sucks, there’s no denying that, and it’s not something we can exactly control. With current sex education and culture still as insufficient as it is, there’s still so much learnt and internalised stigma around STIs. So insofar as you have been as transparent as you can be, it’s important to remember that if a new potential partner reacts poorly, their reaction is about them and not you. It’s not reflective of your worth or desirability as a sexual being; their reactions are a reflection of their current understandings and experiences with STIs. 

In this day and age, we can hope everyone is educated about sexual health, but we’re not at the point yet where we can expect it. So if this potential partner is reacting negatively and they are not receptive to learning about your sexual needs in this way, they’re not worth having sex with and I would see it as a bullet dodged. 

If someone is casually dating, how would they navigate hookups with an STI? What are the ‘safety rules’ so to speak? 

The ‘safety rules’ will depend on the particular STI, so for curable STIs like syphilis or gonorrhoea, you can get treatment, and the general rule is to steer away from sexual experiences until it’s cleared up and confirmed by a sexual health screening. For chronic STIs like HIV or herpes, it’s different because it’s not something we can cure yet, so it’s more about how we can manage it. 

When we’re talking about exploring casual sex, it’s important that we’re educated and well-versed in information, [such as] how it gets transmitted, what medications we should be on and how to prevent/manage flare-ups, and then actually making sure we follow through with the medications and upkeep. Of course, we’re also communicating our sexual health status to potential sexual partners, using barrier methods like internal or external condoms and keeping up with regular screening. 

How can someone with an STI ensure they don’t transmit their infection to potential partner/s? 

It’s never a certainty, so that’s why it’s important to do what we can and take appropriate measures to minimise the risk of transmission. This looks like keeping up with regular sexual health screening and/or treatments, getting comfortable initiating conversations about sexual health, and using barrier methods properly and consistently. 

How can people take care of themselves when dating with an STI? 

On top of the things I’ve already mentioned like regular testing, keeping up with medications and using barrier methods, I’d also add looking after your mental health. For many people, the real and perceived stigma is worse than the actual STI, so make sure you’re being kind to yourself, surrounding yourself with people who support and encourage you and engaging in sex-positive spaces to continue to normalise the experience. Looking after your mental health and overall stress management is also an important piece in preventing flare-ups for those chronic STIs.

For more on dating with an STI, head here.