A sexologist tells me how to ask for consent without ruining the mood

“Sometimes consent is sought by explicitly asking, but it’s also important to pay attention to body language.”

Consent is paramount when it comes to sex and sexual acts. Clarifying what each person is and isn’t up for is the best way to make sure you and your sexual partner are on the same page and ensures that everyone is having a good time. 

Whether it’s the first time you’re sleeping with someone or the hundredth, creating a safe space for communicating boundaries and desires is what we should all be striving for in our sex lives. 

For more sex advice, head on over to our Life section.

And while communication is key in the bedroom, asking for consent can feel a little awkward and formal, so I asked Sarah Lorrimar, Sexual and Reproductive Health Coordinator at GenWest and Sexologist at the Australian Institute of Sexology and Sexual Medicine, for some tips on how to ask for consent without ruining the mood. 

“Consent is essentially about learning how to make your partner feel good, which is a sexy thing in itself,” explains Sarah. “Consent is part of the sexual experience; it’s about listening to each other’s bodies and sexual expression. I’m sure we all want to be the best sexual partner we can be, which means communicating and being attentive.

“The conversation of consent is going to be different for everyone, depending on how you communicate with that person. It can be helpful to have a conversation beforehand, sharing turn-ons and offs and providing a space for you to discuss things like protection and STIs before things get hot and heavy. Consent isn’t about one conversation though – it’s ongoing and should be happening throughout.”

Sarah suggests trying phrases like, ‘Do you want to try…..’, ‘Come here if you want xxx’, ‘Can I go down on you?’, ‘Do you like that?’, ‘Tell me what you want’, ‘Show me how you like it’, ‘Is this okay?’, and ‘Do you want me to keep going?’, if you’re not sure how to ask for consent. Phrases like these also allow you to ask for consent in a way that’s fun and playful while still giving your partner space to express how they’re feeling and what they do and don’t want. 

“Each of us has different needs when it comes to sex. What turns some people on, is a turn-off for others. And our own sexuality is fluid – what we may have loved once, doesn’t do it for us anymore. Don’t assume you know what your partner wants – check-in, actively find out what your partner wants and allow yourself to explore your own sexual experiences,” says Sarah. 

The state of Victoria recently passed affirmative consent laws, which means it is not good enough to assume consent. Consent must be explicit and there can’t be a shred of doubt as to whether the answer is an enthusiastic yes – and that answer can change at any point. 

The laws don’t just cover sexual acts, either. Things like sending or receiving explicit photos and videos and not using contraception like condoms are also covered by the new laws. 

“Receiving affirmative consent is essential. Without it, we are violating a person’s choice and safety,” says Sarah. “Sex is an emotional and physical experience, whether it’s a first-time hook-up, casual sex or a long-term relationship. It’s important that we feel connected to ourselves in these experiences and make informed choices about what happens to our body and our shared expression of intimacy.”

While consent doesn’t always have to be verbal, it’s the clearest way to gauge how your partner is feeling. However, verbal consent is not the only form of consent and it’s essential to check in with your partner in other ways.

“Sometimes consent is sought by explicitly asking, but it’s also important to pay attention to body language,” Sarah explains. “Consent can be nuanced – a sense of safety needs to be established so that people feel comfortable expressing themselves, to communicate what they do or don’t want without feeling coerced or threatened. If someone is silent and not enthusiastic about sex, this isn’t consent. You want both partners to be excited and wanting to explore – sex should feel good!

“If someone is nodding, moaning and grinding into you, this is very different to someone pulling away, being silent or laying down and not being actively involved,” she says. “If you aren’t sure, don’t rely on verbal agreements alone to understand whether someone is giving consent. Take a pause and check in on how you are both feeling.” 

Sarah also recommends applying consent to areas of our relationships beyond sex. It can often feel difficult or uncomfortable to express our needs and ask for what we want, but Sarah believes that practising this in all aspects of our relationships can help strengthen our sex lives.  

“If we create everyday interactions where people can share their needs and boundaries and have respectful conversations about differences of opinion, this encourages us to feel understood and comfortable expressing ourselves sexually,” she explains.  

“Expressing our needs is sometimes easier said than done. We do it every day, with things like saying yes or no to meeting friends for dinner or taking on additional projects at work. But when it comes to sex it can be particularly uncomfortable to genuinely express ourselves.

“Something that will help immensely is taking time to understand yourself as a sexual being. Spend time exploring your own body, noticing what makes your body feel good (not just sexual things either – think laying in the sun, eating a yummy meal, dancing) and normalise conversations about intimacy with your friends and partners outside of sex.”

For more on consent, head here.