Ask Kira: I’ve been having illegal romps. Am I a truly awful person?

Let’s talk about sex.

Australian pop sensation Kira Puru is one of our favourite homegrown musicians. Known for her charismatic on-stage presence and no-holds-barred approach to life, she’s the type of person you just know is bursting with excellent life advice. With that in mind, we thought who better to be FJ’s modern-day agony aunt than Kira herself? So without further ado, welcome to our new column, Ask Kira, where she answers FJ reader’s difficult/messy/embarrassing life questions.

I’ve been having illegal romps, am I a truly awful person?

“Hi Kira, please don’t judge me for this, but as most of the world has been hibernating, I’ve been having sex. Lots of it. With different people. In different houses. I’ve not told anyone (I’m too afraid of being judged) but I guess I just want to be told that I’m not a terrible person? I don’t have an addiction or any legitimate excuse, I’ve just been feeling really lonely. The sex makes me feel like I’m connecting, and valid as a person. I guess I’m taking a calculated risk? Am I an awful attention seeker or just surviving?

Sorry to hear you’re feeling this way. I think we all know how overwhelming the pain of loneliness can be at times. I can imagine it’s been hard, knowing that your go-to coping mechanism has been effectively outlawed – I’d probably not make it through lockdown if the government suddenly prohibited guzzling shiraz and crying your way through one trashy teen drama after another. I guess I got lucky this time. I don’t love what you’re telling me, but I’m not going to give you the spiel either.

You obviously know how dangerous your choices could prove to be, and you’ve chosen to prioritise your own needs over the health of the others in the respective bubbles you’re now part of. Do I think you’re a terrible person? No, we’re all just doing what we can to survive. I do think you’re being kinda selfish though and truthfully, I have doubts about how truly effective your methods are anyway.

I love sex. But it isn’t the only remedy for loneliness. My instinct is that you could uncover a more potent and longer-lasting sense of satisfaction by investing the energy you’re burning on casual sex into something that’ll promise better returns. I don’t know what that might be for you specifically – maybe it’s a hobby, learning a language or new exercise regime – but until you find it, the least you could do is reduce the number of sexual partners in your sphere, wear a mask, and please, stay away from immuno-compromised people.

How do I bring up sex toys and not be awkward?

“Hi Kira, my question is easy. I have a sex toy that I want to use with my partner but feel too shy and embarrassed to bring it up. How do I broach the subject in a way that isn’t awkward? Also, if you tell me to bite the bullet and just do it, I probably won’t. I need step-by-step guidance here.”

How exciting! Any time I’ve had to raise conversations with a partner about sex, I’ve always used the admittedly predictable but tried and tested method of asking them about their experience first. Something like…“do you enjoy the sex we have together? Is there anything that you particularly like that we aren’t doing? Is there anything you haven’t done before that you’d be curious to try? What is your favourite thing to do in the bedroom?” You get the point.

Whether they can see right through this line of questioning or not, it’ll prompt at least some very basic conversation about your sex life in general before giving you the chance to talk about what you would like to try. My only word of warning here is to be prepared for a range of possible responses – your partner might be kinkier than you know. Try initiating this conversation when you’re both in a good mood and a relaxed atmosphere, maybe over a glass of wine or even just after sex.

Putting these questions to your partner will show them that you care about their pleasure as much as your own, and you’re interested in hearing more about their kinks and preferences, even if you can’t accommodate them just yet. I understand it might be nerve-wracking if you haven’t talked about it before, but this kind of emotional vulnerability will only increase the level of intimacy between you and your partner. This will carry through to the bedroom, whether or not they are ready for you to bring a new toy into the mix. Have fun!

Is it bad that I’m bad in bed?  

“Hi Kira, I feel like I’m bad in bed. Actually, I know it. I’m shy, I’m unadventurous, and I prefer the lights off. I want to please my sexual partners, but I also don’t want to do anything too ‘out there’. I think part of it is I’m afraid of being judged. The other part is I’m really self-conscious. How can I get good in bed, without feeling uncomfortable or unsafe? I’ve tried watching porn and can’t see myself mimicking any of that. Thanks in advance for your advice!”

Let’s get a few things straight: there’s no such thing as being universally bad in bed. Everyone has their own set of preferences and these differ vastly from person to person. If you like missionary with the lights off, then own it, babe! There’s no wrong way to fuck. Secondly, porn is a grossly misleading view of what sex looks like, so don’t feel bad if you don’t want to have sex like a pornstar, a lot of us don’t.

Most importantly though, you should never do anything in the bedroom that you’re uncomfortable doing, so don’t feel the pressure to be something you’re not – go at your own pace and know that it’s okay to tap out or take a break at any time. I think what will help most in your case, is taking more time out to love yourself. That’s right – I’m prescribing masturbation!

Invest in some hot lingerie, buy a few toys, try looking for some more specific porn (try porn with actors that have the same body type or ethnicity as you, queer porn, erotic dancing, erotic fan fiction – whatever gets you going), light a scented candle, put on some Teyana Taylor and feel your whole fantasy.

Touch your whole body, watch yourself in the mirror, be loud if you want to. You’re gorgeous and you deserve to be adored, so give that to yourself. The more you know about your body, the more confident you’ll be in guiding someone else to give you what you like. The next time you’re getting down with someone, take a minute out to let them know where you’re at, and what you need. Maybe something like, “I can be a little shy sometimes, so I appreciate going slow and I like when other people take the lead”. Communication is sexy! Have fun x

Kira’s new single ‘Idiot’ is out now and you can listen to it here. You can catch her performing as a special guest for Thelma Plum this November and December, tickets available here. Read the first instalment of Ask Kira here and the third instalment here.