I’m afraid to assert myself during sex so I asked a sexologist for advice

“Find what makes you feel confident whether it’s certain positions, sounds, outfits or affirmations, and ask for it.”

When I first started dating, I felt extremely vulnerable. Yes, there were good feelings, like the little flip your heart does when you get a text from that person, or the butterflies that come with a new first kiss, but mainly, I was filled with worry and sometimes, fear. 

Sex left me feeling powerless and anxious. I could never enjoy it and always felt terrible after the fact. Time and time again, every sexual experience I had made me feel dominated and used rather than satisfied and empowered. I felt like men wanted to control me and I was too scared to say when I wasn’t comfortable. 

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Now that I’m finally getting back into dating (after a long hiatus), I want to make sure I’m approaching it in the healthiest way possible. I want to enjoy going out on dates and for sex to be fun and to make me feel good about myself. So, to get an expert’s advice, I spoke to sexologist Selina Nguyen. 

Why can sex sometimes make people feel anxious or powerless?

I find a lot of sexual anxiety centres around the disparity between the stories we’ve learnt or tell ourselves about how sex should go and how we actually are. We’re fed messages that we should feel, look and perform a certain way. There are also factors like previous trauma or sexual assault, relationship issues, gender dysphoria, body insecurity or lack of confidence and even just struggling to get out of your head which all just scratch the surface. These are all valid reasons to feel anxious during sex and they mostly come back to this gap between who we feel we should be and how we actually see ourselves. 

With powerlessness, no one should feel disempowered in sex unless it was consensually agreed upon. It differs from anxiousness because it means power has been taken away or a boundary has been crossed, whether that boundary is conscious or unconscious or it has or hasn’t been communicated yet. It means you don’t feel heard or that you feel helpless and while parts of that can be related to a previous trauma, it largely points towards something being off in the sexual experience and in that relationship dynamic. 

What would you recommend if people find they’re overly anxious in intimate settings?

It’s important to acknowledge that anxiety or nervousness may always be a part of sex because it’s part of the human experience and sex can be a vulnerable experience. The skill is learning to differentiate between anxiety and nervousness – anxiety is telling you something’s off and your body needs tending to [and] nervousness is just excitement in different packaging. If you’re feeling anxious, unpack what it is that is making you feel anxious outside of sex.

Anxiety is ultimately protective and all about survival, so your brain is picking up on something based on previous experience or lack thereof and it’s telling you something’s off. It may not be right all the time but it’s always worth listening to… maybe it’s your first time with a particular gender or maybe you struggle to let go of control and inhibition or maybe you feel like you’re having sex for the wrong reasons. If your anxiousness is escalating into anxiety attacks, create a game plan or a list of tools beforehand that will help ground and regulate you and share this with your partner.

For example, a cuddle break, breathing or grounding exercises, words of affirmation or being left alone for five minutes. Give yourself permission to go slow and disrupt what we know as the learnt flow or script of sex. Pushing through a sexual experience while anxious because you don’t want to be awkward and ask to slow down is a recipe for disaster that I see way too often in the form of it ending in erection or ejaculation difficulties or painful penetrative sex. So listen to your body! 

How can someone build their confidence in sexual settings?

One of the best ways [to get] through anxiety is arming yourself with knowledge and experience. Often the anxiety manifests through not knowing what to communicate, how to communicate, tensing or bracing your body or being stuck in your head. So exploring and learning about your body and pleasure solo is always a recommended starting point – how are you supposed to confidently assert what you want if you don’t know what you’re asking for? Be curious about what feels good, what you’re comfortable with and figure out what triggers your anxiety.

Practice challenging your anxious thoughts, tuning into your body and getting out of your head! Build your confidence outside of sex. How we approach sex is a mirror for how we approach life. It’s not uncommon for folks who struggle with sexual confidence to also struggle with regular everyday confidence. Whether it’s through affirmations, a sensual playlist [or] taking sexy pictures and turning yourself on, remind yourself what you bring to the table.

Adopt a growth mindset so if you’re with a consistent partner, differentiate between practice vs play sessions. With practice sessions, we’re just getting comfortable being in the sexual experience and exploring and learning each other’s bodies – orgasms are not the goal but [are] always welcome. With play sessions, we’re putting all our learnings into action…

What are some practical ways you can assert yourself in a sexual situation, particularly with casual sex?

It’s worth affirming that assertive[ness] in sex does not mean [being] aggressive. Partnered sex is a constant negotiation and discussion so get comfortable saying no but also get comfortable receiving it. Find what makes you feel confident whether it’s certain positions, sounds, outfits or affirmations, and ask for it. Make suggestions that are aligned with what you want to do and what feels good for you rather than what you feel you should do. 

Also, communicate! Let your partner know what’s on the table and what’s off. It can be as simple as “I don’t like my neck being touched but I’d love for you to play with my boobs or chest”, or “I’m not ready for penetration yet, I want to keep exploring with our mouths”. Nothing is hotter than good communication. 

Give yourself permission to take charge in sex, to initiate if you want to and to sometimes feel like an idiot as you trial and error what feels right for you. A common response I get is that being confident in sex feels inauthentic or silly, so let this be true. Everything feels inauthentic as you’re learning a new skill and it feels silly because sex is a form of play. We rarely give ourselves the permission as we get older to just let go of control and to experiment with different sides of ourselves.  

Want to feel more confident during sex? Try these tips.