Is it ever okay to date your friend’s ex? We asked a couples therapist

Answering the age-old question.

Whenever one of your friends and their partner end a relationship, your job is to show up at their house with ice cream, your Disney+ password and a list of rehearsed statements about how much their ex sucked anyway (even if they wholeheartedly didn’t). They’re just the rules of friendship. 

But the most important rule of all is to never date their ex, which according to Mean Girls‘ Gretchen Wieners is, “Like, the rules of feminism!”. While your friend’s ex is territory you should be staying clear of, life can have a funny way of pushing us in unexpected directions.

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If you’ve stumbled off the beaten track and are heading straight towards your friend’s ex, what do you do? Is it ever okay to date them? I asked the couples therapist, Mukti Jarvis. “If it would damage the friendship and cause you to lose an important friendship which you value highly, more highly than what could happen with her ex, let it pass,” Mukti says. 

But emotions can be intense and while that seems simple, when it comes down to it, deciphering whether or not it’s ‘worth it’ can actually be quite complicated. Mukti suggests asking yourself – what’s your intent?

“If you’re just feeling chemistry and want to sleep with them, then it’s unlikely to be worth the potential stress or friendship breakdown. If you’ve hung out or around them and really like them as a person and feel there’s a genuine potential for a great relationship, then you might consider the following [questions.” 

•     How long is it since they broke up and why did they break up?
•     Who ended it? Was it your friend?
•     Are they still in touch? I.e. is it definitely over?
•     Are they friends now?
•     Have you already been friends with the ex? Did you meet this person through your friend or did they meet through you? 
•     What’s your friend feeling about that past relationship now? Do they still have feelings for the ex? Or is it over and emotionally they’ve both moved on? 

“It’s important to know whether the ex has moved on and isn’t in some way still holding feelings for your friend,” Mukti says. “The last thing you want is to be in the middle of something unresolved because if that’s the case, whatever you do you will not come out well.” 

After you’ve weighed up these questions, if it’s leaning towards the ‘date them!’ side, then you might want to catch up with your friend. “Not that you’re seeking permission, rather you’re looking to understand where she’s at now in relation to her ex and to let her know firsthand that you’re thinking about or wanting to explore getting involved with their ex,” Mukti suggests.

“Have a mature conversation about it. If you can’t because it’s too hot and reactive [and] there’s still a lot of pain for your friend, then you need to weigh up the following: do you feel like there’s really something special with this person that they used to be in relationship with? And are you willing to potentially lose the friendship with your friend?”  

Like with any sensitive convo, make sure the vibe is right. Don’t bring this up in a group setting, or on a night out. “[It’s] best to do it when and where you both feel comfortable. Walking might also be good if you will have somewhere private where you can pause, sit down and see each other’s faces.”

If you think your friend might be reactive, perhaps call them and gently ask if they’re up for a chat about their ex and how they’re feeling about the break-up. “Be truthful though,” Mukti says. “It’s never nice to feel ambushed. Let [them] know you’re feeling a connection with [their ex].” 

So why does this situation ruffle our friendship feathers more than others? “Our friends unconsciously take the place of our siblings and mirror ways that we felt we missed out on love as a child,” Mukti explains. “So we can have a feeling of competing for love [when our friend dates our ex].” 

In most friendships, we confide in our friends and tell them intimate secrets about our relationships and partners, so when a friend ultimately chooses to be with our ex, it can feel like betrayal. “It might activate a sense of comparison, shame or unworthiness if it’s then passed over to someone who we feel is on ‘our team’.” 

And while these feelings are totally valid, Mukti does say they aren’t necessarily your fault. “They’re emotions inviting [them] to find more of [their] self-worth and dignity.” Essentially, your friend should realise that you aren’t necessarily ditching them for their ex, but rather, you just care about them both. 

Ultimately, communication is always key. Talk it out and trust your gut. If all else fails, you can rely on that nugget of wisdom plastered over primary school classrooms around the country: ‘Treat others how you would want to be treated’. 

Being friends with your ex is difficult, but should you make it work? Read this.