An Australian divorce lawyer explains the five relationship conflict styles

“You always have a choice to opt out.”

Whether it’s platonic, romantic, familial, professional or otherwise, relationships of all kinds can be tough. Navigating conflict is never easy, but particularly when you have mismatched conflict styles. Maybe you prefer to face issues with direct confrontation, while the other person is more avoidant or passive-aggressive.

Leading Australian divorce lawyer and author of Dignified Divorce, Cassandra Kalpaxis, is expectedly well-versed in the nitty-gritty of relationship conflict. “The only way to truly ‘win’ an argument is by listening with empathy to try and understand where the other person is coming from, even if you disagree,” she says. “The good news is, if your conflict style isn’t working for you, it’s something you can change.”

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If you’re struggling with clashing conflict styles or simply want to learn how to better approach difficult conversations, read on. Here, Cassandra Kalpaxis explains the five different relationship conflict styles and how to manage them in your relationship.

In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to use an argument to release pent-up emotion. How can we stop this from happening?

It’s the time to stop, breathe and think rationally before actually speaking. It’s vital that you think about how the other party will hear your message. If it’s written, sleep on it before you press the send button.

Get a second opinion – if you’re unsure of how something will be perceived, get someone else to review it so you can understand how the other party might feel. Physically remove yourself from the room if you need time to process. It’s totally fine to say to the other person that you need to remove yourself for a few minutes to digest what they are saying or have said so you can remove your emotion from the conflict and reply without haste.

When we go back to previous arguments, it’s not going to resolve the matter at hand – all it will do is extend the conflict and deter finding a resolution to what the actual problem is in this current moment.

Can you outline the different conflict styles?

• Direct conflict: People who will engage directly about the problem.
• Avoidant or accommodating conflict: People who will avoid fights or conflict in a relationship. They tend to suppress their feelings, be agreeable and forsake their own needs and desires in exchange for others.
• Passive-aggressive: If you have a passive-aggressive conflict style you have difficulty clearly expressing your thoughts and feelings, but your underlying anger is expressed non-verbally. Your thoughts and feelings are expressed indirectly through your facial expressions and behaviours.
• Competing conflict: A competing style takes a firm stance and refuses to see the perspectives of the other parties. You would keep pushing your viewpoint or rejecting other people’s ideas until you get your way. This style could be appropriate when you have to stand up for your rights or morals, need to make a quick decision and force others to get on board, need to end a long-term conflict, or have to prevent a terrible, opposing decision from being made.
• Collaborative conflict: Attempts to find a solution that will meet the needs of all parties. Rather than trying to middle-ground the solution, you would aim for a win-win solution.

If you know your partner has a clashing conflict style, what’s the best way to approach a difficult conversation?

Prior to the conversation, you should get clear about what it is that you want to get across and the outcome that you want to achieve. The first step is to acknowledge if you’re going to need professional help to moderate the conversation and how it occurs.

The second thing is to lay out the ground rules of how the conversation is going to take place, and both parties need to agree to that before proceeding… Be respectful and listen with intent.

What have you learnt about conflict from your time working as a divorce lawyer?

Some people thrive off conflict – it is a narcissist arena. People perceive conflict in different ways and at the end of the day, it is your choice to be involved in the conflict and to what extent. You always have a choice to opt out of a conflict. Sometimes conflict can actually be positive – in some cases, conflict can actually bring up things that you may have never addressed and therefore allow you to work through it.

How do you know when a discussion is no longer productive? What should we do then?

When the conversation stops becoming about the solutions and rather becomes about personal attacks – that’s when the conversation should stop immediately. If one party is only interested in having a victim mentality and isn’t offering any responsibility, the conversation should stop immediately.

In these cases, you should seek the support of a professional whose solution and future focus will then become essential. I would also strongly suggest writing out the outcome so the other party can also have time to review it and provide suggestions.

For more on navigating difficult relationship conversations, head here.