How I finally broke my toxic dating cycle

“I was going through a vicious cycle of matching with a guy on a dating app, spending a couple of weeks in a whirlwind ‘talking phase’, going on a couple of thrilling dates and then swiftly being dumped.”

I have dated a lot. I spent the last couple of years going through a revolving door of app swiping, dates and ‘breakups’. I use quotation marks because, despite the number of people I’ve dated, I’ve only just entered my first real relationship.

I’ve downloaded Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. I’ve deleted Tinder, Bumble and Hinge. I’ve been through this cycle what feels like five bajillion times – I even wrote an article here saying that I was done with dating apps.

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I was going through a vicious cycle of matching with a guy on a dating app, spending a couple of weeks in a whirlwind ‘talking phase’, going on a couple of thrilling dates, then swiftly being dumped from a non-existent relationship (or ‘situationship’, as we call it nowadays), then spending weeks heartbroken and off the apps, before redownloading and starting the whole process over again.

Looking back, I can see how much I was torturing myself. It was a form of slow-motion self-destruction, and I can see that now. But last year, I thought that this ridiculous pattern was just what dating was like. I thought I was living a Sex and the City early-twenties-casual-dating kind of life and I loved all the horror stories I could tell my friends who were in relationships; those dramatic stories about awful dates or weird Tinder come-ons that you wouldn’t believe unless it had happened to you. A guy once spat boba balls in my mouth, if you can believe it?

Looking back at the sequence of fuckboys, idiots and just all-around bad guys that I dated over the last few years, I can see a clear pattern. I was deeply insecure, desperate to be loved and validated, and I didn’t hide it very well. I got overly vulnerable way too quickly, which kind of gives away your power.

Don’t get me wrong, I love vulnerability. I think it can be empowering and beautiful when you let down your guard with the right person. But you really have to pick your moments and screen people before you give away your deepest, darkest insecurities and secrets to them.

Every guy I saw knew I was anxious and vulnerable and just wanted to be loved, which gave them all the power in our respective ‘relationships’. Every time I disclosed my worries or pain to a guy I was seeing, he was able to use these things against me.

My insecurities became my greatest enemy, and I would always end up heartbroken over a guy I didn’t know that well and I’d usually cry on my bathroom floor to the Euphoria soundtrack (not much fun).

It all culminated with an experience of sexual assault, which you can read about here. I decided that once and for all, I was done with dating (and the apps). That was the beginning of my official hiatus from the romantic world.

I spent months and months focusing on myself. I went to therapy, I worked on changing my thought patterns surrounding my self-image and I practised compassion towards myself. I talked to my psychologist about dating and sex and boys, topics I’d previously shied away from.

We talked about the tough stuff. I let myself be really vulnerable, and I tolerated all the pain and the shit I hadn’t let myself think about before: why was I so desperate to be loved, but simultaneously thought that I didn’t deserve love? Questions like this are so hard to ask and to let yourself think about, but journaling and discussing these topics is what actually allowed me to heal.

Eventually, my psychologist declared that she thought I was ready to date. “It’s time to be open and to download the apps again,” she said, but this time with a very different approach.

I talked to a few guys and started getting back into the flow of chatting with someone new and thinking about going on dates. It wasn’t long into this period that I matched with my now-boyfriend. A very sweet boy who looked kind and like he would treat me well. We matched, spent a couple of days talking, and then took it from Bumble to real life.

My approach when I met him (and even when just talking on Bumble) was no game-playing; I just wanted to be wholly authentic. It sounds overly simple and really complicated at the same time, but it worked for me. I think it was part right-person-right-time, but also because I’d really worked on myself.

I was able to go into dating him feeling confident, and like I didn’t need to pretend to be anyone or anything other than myself. I didn’t feel like I needed this man (or any) to accept me; I now knew how to validate and accept myself.

We’ve been dating for a few months now, and I’m the happiest I’ve ever been. I’m happy because I’m in love, but I’m also happy because a year ago, I wouldn’t have been capable of being in a relationship. I know who I am now and I know my worth, and that’s the biggest achievement of all.

This article was originally published on July 11, 2023.

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