Is breakup sex worth the emotional risk? A sex coach weighs in

Hot, sexy, exciting and… painful?

The movies would have us believe that breakup sex is the ‘best sex ever’. On-screen it’s free-spirited and exciting with no emotional turmoil in sight. But does it ever play out like this in real life?

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It’s a topic certified sex coach Georgia Grace explored on a recent episode of her podcast, In Bed. In need of her expert opinion, I asked Georgia to weigh in on whether good breakup sex is fact or fiction.

Why is breakup sex so compelling?

Georgia notes a range of reasons behind the breakup sex phenomenon. “It could be the passion that is felt after a fight or an argument or a conflict. It could be the fact that you know it is coming to an end and you want to go out with ‘a bang’. It could be in that moment that you’re realising what you’re potentially going to lose access to – that is a great sex life.” 

As Georgia explains, there’s a natural release of tension when a relationship ends. Logically, less stress may equal more desire, lighting a proverbial fire of passion. “Others may think it is the perfect way to tie a bow neatly around a breakup, to say, ‘This is the end of this chapter’.” (Or, as Georgia puts in her podcast episode, “a genital handshake to say goodbye”.)

It doesn’t always come from this positive and stress-free place, though. On the other end of the spectrum, it may arise from the desire to ‘win back’ your ex using the power of a few tips and tricks. The negative stories we hear (or have experienced first-hand) paint a picture of regret, complications, drawn-out pain and no closure. 

The narrative we see in the media is so inviting – it’s emotion-free and tantalising. Some do experience this in real life, but it’s far from a guarantee. As Georgia tells me, “I think it makes for a really great story – it makes for a really great sex scene in movies and TV shows – but may not necessarily [be] the best thing for everyone.”

Determining if it’s a good or bad idea

“Breakup sex can be really fun and great, particularly because you may know this person and their body really well, but there are a few things to consider to set it up to have maybe more positive experiences,” notes Georgia.

As always, communication is everything. Georgia suggests asking yourself some questions. “What is this? Is this a one-time thing? Will we meet every Thursday, and this is how the relationship will be now?” It’s important to be clear on the needs and desires of all involved from the outset.

Power dynamics also come into play. Georgia explains that the person who initiated the breakup (if there was one) is likely in a greater position of power. As the instigator, if you then initiated a sexual experience, “the person who has just been broken up with may feel really vulnerable and may see that as – or may read that as – a chance to reconnect and a chance to rebuild after what has happened.”

The third consideration is boundaries. Do you need to take some space after? Are you going to agree not to contact each other afterwards? Undoubtedly, breakups leave us feeling incredibly vulnerable and often alone. Our go-to person, in many cases, is no longer available to us, so Georgia encourages us to question who we can lean on instead.

“Who are you going to turn to? [Are you going to] let another person know you had a shitty day [and] whether you need support, whether you need love and so on?” Stick to those boundaries and respect them (although, of course, consent may change if agreed upon by everyone involved). 

Moving on and finding closure

Closure is the elephant in the room here and we often turn to others to find this. You may ask questions of your ex, wondering why they no longer love you or want to be with you.

“If it’s gone wrong, do the best you can to care for each other, to support each other, to be really kind to each other, because you’ve been in a relationship with this person. What can you do to support them or to support each other in moving on in a really healthy and safe way?”

Importantly, “when it comes to closure, only you can provide that for yourself”, emphasises Georgia. This may involve seeking professional support, leaning on other loved ones to offer a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, or finding other activities to help take your mind off things.

“Closure is tricky. It is likely your ex won’t be able to give it to you, and there will probably be a lot that you have to do for yourself.”

So, breakup sex, is it worth it? 

It can be fun, it can be sexy and exciting, and many people have positive experiences and tales to tell. But, as Georgia says, “it’s likely it’s going to go wrong. I think there is a lot of intensity at play [so] there is a chance that it is not going to be this great experience. There is risk involved, so go in knowing that.” 

If there is one thing we all need to remember, it’s this: “Treat [your ex] with as much care as you would have when you were in a relationship.” We’re all human, after all. 

You can listen to Georgia Grace’s podcast ‘In Bed’ here.