I’m sick of downplaying my career successes, so I asked a careers coach for advice

“The irony of the name ‘tall poppy’ is that when you look at nature, flowers in a garden don’t compare their beauty or apologise for their stunning colours shining too bright.”

Last Sunday morning, I woke to retrieve a routine coffee. Despite the mild dustiness imposed by a few too many champagnes the night before, I was feeling elated. The day before I’d participated in a live panel speaking about my career lessons and learnings so far with some brilliant fellow panellists and friends.

I felt proud of myself for accepting (and really enjoying) the opportunity to chat about my career journey. So you’ll understand why my ego momentarily deflated like a popped balloon when I opened my emails to uncover an anonymous ‘hate mail’ letter. 

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In this terribly written tirade, I was essentially told I “have no talent“, am “another Melbourne girl acting rich” and am “bland”. It was (grammatically) upsetting at first, but then the absurdity sank in and I dictated the copy over FaceTime with my friends. Their advice was peppered with uncontrollable laughter and jokes about framing the email and hanging it above my desk. But most importantly, they emphasised how miserable someone must be to go out of their way to bring another person down.

Maybe I would’ve been affected by this rogue email a couple of years ago. Now, I read it with a smile and pity for that disgraceful person. Over the years, I trained myself to downplay successes and falter at the acceptance of compliments. It always feels too indulgent, too big-headed and too untrue. But if the reverse ever occurred, I’d believe any little negative thought or loaded comment. In the last few months, however, I’ve felt a mammoth shift in that mindset.

I think it has something to do with building a business by myself and realising I can do things completely on my own terms. And it helps when you surround yourself with people who genuinely wish to see you reach your maximum potential, rather than prevent your growth for their own personal gain. I can see that the success I’m generating is somewhat self-led, and it’s enhanced my ability and determination. My client base is at full capacity and I’m looking to hire some help and start renting an office space. I am ‘killing it’ – a phrase I used to wince at when other people said it to me. 

But along the way, I’ve experienced competition many a time where I don’t think it was warranted, and a lot of immaturity where it wasn’t warranted. But it’s clicked for me: anyone who seeks to bring you down or undermine your value is perpetuating the infamous ‘tall poppy syndrome’ that we reference a lot growing up in Australia.

For those pondering the phrase, tall poppy syndrome is a cultural phenomenon in which people sabotage others who are perceived to have reached success in various aspects of life. It can happen from high school, and you might experience it at different points throughout your career. And for an individual susceptible to feelings of imposter syndrome, it can be highly effective if executed savagely enough.

If you’re experiencing tall poppy syndrome in the workplace or beyond, I’ve asked an expert for some advice on overcoming it. Brooke Taylor is an award-winning transformational career coach and a global speaker supporting conscious female leaders and the globe’s leading tech and financial organisations. (Essentially, she’s a boss). I’m going to make a conscious effort to adopt her counsel, and I’d be so happy if you could, too.

Why do we downplay our success to make other people feel better? 

We all have a deep desire and evolutionary need to belong to a group – a peer group, social, cultural, religious, scholastic or corporate [group]. We derive a sense of safety and security from belonging to our groups. The insidious nature of ‘tall poppy’ is that we internalise it and we cut ourselves down to maintain this belonging by self-selecting out and criticising our yearning for something more. 

However, tall poppy syndrome and playing small are not our fates. The irony of the name ‘tall poppy’ is that when you look at nature, flowers in a garden don’t compare their beauty or apologise for their stunning colours shining too bright or for blooming too big. The orchid doesn’t wish it were a tulip. We were all made to be extraordinary, unique and different in our beauty and expression. The world doesn’t need more of the same. We need new ideas, your ideas, and for you to unleash yourself from the internalised false belief that your worthiness of love and belonging is contingent upon staying small – this couldn’t be further from the truth. 

And how about in the realms of work and career?

There is a universal human trauma that I call the ‘success wound’. The success wound is the false yet unconscious belief system that tells us our worthiness of love and belonging is contingent upon what we produce, achieve or do, rather than the inherent worthiness of who we are. It’s instilled in childhood when we receive praise for top marks at school, or when we land the starring role in the school play and our friends stop talking to us.

In our childhood brains, we learn that we can receive more love and belonging if we obey the learned rules of what ‘successful’ or ‘good’ looks like for our peer group or family system. For example, we might learn that ‘good’ means to do well at school, be agreeable [and] excel at work, but don’t outgrow us to get too big. 

What can we do if we think a senior colleague/employer/anyone really is making us feel smaller than we are? 

This is always so heartbreaking to see. First, please know that this is not your fault. Too often I see young women who start to internalise that they have no power or authority to give feedback or report the behaviour to HR. I want you to know that you do have power over your experience because you always have choices. You can choose to give feedback directly to that person by saying, “When I observe you speaking to me in this way, it makes me feel disrespected, unvalued, and unmotivated. I need respect and collaboration in order to do good work. Is this something you’re willing to give me and work on?”.

You can choose to report the harassment or poor behaviour to HR. You can choose to leave the company. It’s likely that if a company or organisation has allowed a bad actor to operate within their ranks for a while, there’s something larger wrong with the culture and the system. The bottom line is that you do not need to sacrifice your humanity to collect a paycheck.

Can you give us some road-tested tips on overcoming tall poppy syndrome? 

My biggest piece of advice is to know your worth is inherent and cannot be damaged or broken. Healing your ‘success wounds’ helps to restore this sense of worth and allows you to build a career and a life that’s an expression of your deepest desires, unaffected by tall poppy syndrome or fear of rejection. You can start to diagnose your success wound by reflecting on how success or failure was reacted to by adults and friends when you were growing up. This will point to your deeper beliefs and patterns in your adult life about success, failure and your worth as a result. 

Second, ask the most intuitive part of yourself what her deepest longing is. If fear weren’t a factor, what would you want to do with your career? True fulfilment and power are only found through an internally-directed vision. Third, take very small steps towards this new and inspiring vision. Send one email to start networking. Research writing classes. Ask your friend about openings at her company. Small steps add up to big changes while also regulating your nervous system. 

Fourth, remember that we need you. We are stuck in an old paradigm of success that says ‘succeed, but only so much’. The only thing that benefits from our playing small is a society and economy that profits from it, and we won’t stand for this anymore. It’s time to change that paradigm and embrace our own definitions of success.

We need you in your power, and your power comes from embracing your wholeness and possibility now. Not in a year, not after the promotion, not once you’ve lost a certain amount of weight. You are worthy and whole now. Start writing your book, sharing your recipes, showing up on social media and applying for new jobs. This life isn’t a dress rehearsal and you only have one.