No strings attached: Your guide to casual sex

“There’s no harm in trying things, that’s what casual sex is for.”

I remember when I first started having casual sex and stopped feeling stressed about it. It was a joyous day. I was sitting on the edge of a swimming pool in a posh suburb of Adelaide, my feet dangling hanging above the mosaic-tiled masterpiece. I was eating watermelon and drinking a white wine spritzer with a guy who was my idea of near-perfect.

He wore lemon-coloured linen shirts and stirred the perfect martini at his workplace, coincidentally the favourite restaurant of my best friend and me. Yes, we were 19 and ‘mature for our age’. He was the first man in the real adult world that we’d both agreed was pretty handsome. He was a few years older than us and had beautiful, evenly-tanned skin. He said slightly corny things – that you’d expect a charismatic cocktail bartender to say – but he didn’t make us cringe.

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We’d been to this restaurant a handful of times and finally, he’d agreed to come and drink cocktails with us afterwards. Which, of course, led to me and him riding bikes home at 3am and having slightly messy-but-cute sex in the upstairs bedroom of his parents’ house in the ‘burbs.

What was unexpected was how comfortable he was the morning after. At this point, I’d only experienced really intense love confessions early in the morning or incredibly awkward interactions, to the point of wishing it wasn’t rude to escape through the window. I didn’t yet know how to communicate that I was okay with casual sex. I didn’t know how to break through the gendered stereotype that women always fall in love after sex, especially if it’s good. I didn’t know how to be comfy with my own independent desires.

But I remember waking up in this 22-year-old’s bed and we were spooning. When he woke up, he didn’t push me off. In fact, he whispered “Well, that was fun” in my ear and kissed me on the cheek, somehow not in a way that made me worried he wanted to be my boyfriend immediately. Then he got up, put some pants on and asked me how I liked my eggs. “Scrambled?” I managed to ask. He found me a large T-shirt and cooked us breakfast. We talked and laughed as though we were good friends.

But it’s often not comfortable, is it? When you’ve spent a night with someone you think is hot, someone who you had fun with, behaving in broad daylight doesn’t always come naturally. I think it’s because we’re taught such rigid lessons about what having sex means – that it has to mean something at all and that we’re not allowed to just have sex for fun.

So, when I had sex with this almost-perfect linen-shirt-wearing guy and he was totally normal towards me the day after, I was kind of hooked on the idea of being good friends with someone I also had sex with. We kept it up for a good six months, which was a big deal at the time. He was my first-ever friend with benefits.

But even now, a good eight years later, I still don’t totally know how to approach casual sex or how to strike that perfect balance between open and communicative but also chill. I think the secret lies in being confident in yourself and what you want. According to Cheryl Fagan, sex and relationship expert for Lovehoney, it can be a chance to have new experiences and explore sexuality.

“For some people who are not wanting to be in a serious or long-term relationship, a casual sex relationship can allow for intimate connection and sexual satisfaction without the commitment of something more serious which can feel liberating,” she says. We’re all about feeling liberated about sex and desire. So, here’s our guide on how to get the most out of casual sex.

Talk about sex as much as possible

Talking about sex is super fun, you’ve just got to rip the bandaid off. And the person you’re having casual sex with is a really good person to practise with! You can talk about what you like, don’t like, or don’t know if you’ll like because you haven’t tried it yet. These kind of conversations will really help to strengthen trust and communication in your casual-sex sitch and allow you to feel confident and powerful within your own desires. It’s also an amazing opportunity to talk about consent.

“Consider what activities you’re cool with and communicate that,” says Cheryl. “How often are you both wanting to have sex? What activities are you willing [or] not willing to do or explore?” Sex convos also include uncomfy topics, but having awkward convos about things like STD tests and condoms in a casual scenario is really helpful.

Try as many new things as you’re (both) comfy with

Casual sex and friends-with-benefits arrangements are an amazing way to experiment in the bedroom. You can try new thing and open up about sexy stuff without feeling like your heart is on the line. “Be clear on what makes you feel safe. This allows you to feel more in flow in the moment and increases your chances for satisfaction,” encourages Cheryl.

One of the casual sex lovers I had a few years ago had a thing for public intimacy. It was never anything wild, but it made me feel a little tingly and also uncomfortable. I felt like doing it with him would be a great way to test my own limits. I found that sometimes I loved it (there was this one time in a park at dusk), and other times where I couldn’t shake the self-consciousness (in a restaurant bar). But with him, I got to play a character, and that was super fun. There’s no harm in trying things, that’s what casual sex is for.

Set boundaries

Boundaries are important in every element of life. Whether it be a work colleague, your mum or the person you’re having casual sex with, boundaries are an important element to being the best version of yourself, with others. “Boundaries exist to teach people how to connect or be in [a] relationship with us,” Cheryl says.

“By stating your boundaries, you’re letting the other person know how to connect with you sexually, emotionally and physically. They help you feel safe which leads to more enjoyment and a more fuller expression of self.”

Have regular check-ins

This goes for yourself, as well as your casual lover. Casual sex and intimacy mean different things for different people, says Cheryl. For some people, sex more than once means it’s no longer casual.

“Are you texting and checking in with each other throughout the day around non-sexual things? Do you feel jealous if they are connecting with another person? Have you noticed an emotional connection? While you can be as clear as possible in the beginning with boundaries, things can come up that surprise you, so honest convos and check-ins are a must,” Cheryl says.

Be honest with yourself too

Just because it’s casual, doesn’t mean we can ignore our desires. To engage in casual sex, you’ve got to be confident and sure of what you want out of it, so you can communicate openly and honestly without feeling at risk of being too vulnerable.

“If your intention is to have fun and explore your sexuality in a way that aligns with your values, then chances are you’ll have good experiences,” Cheryl says. But in order to know that, you’ve really got to understand why you’re having (and wanting) casual sex. “If you’re having casual sex to feel better about yourself or secretly hoping it leads to a relationship, then that’s a sign it may not be a great idea,” she tells me.

Let’s be honest, we’ve all been there. We’ve all convinced ourselves that we’re fine with having casual sex with someone we really like. It’s better than nothing, right? And plus, you never know where it could lead. However, it’s always important to be honest about how you feel – to yourself and to the person you’re bonking.

This article was originally published on July 26, 2023.

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