“People like us more than we think”: I wrote a book about friendship, here’s what I learnt

“If we consider our friendships to be just as important as our careers, family and partners, there’s no end to the possibilities.”

When I started writing a book about friendship, I already considered myself a good friend. I cared, I cooked, I showed up. I had spent a significant amount of my career as a journalist writing about why our friends should matter most. Still, when I finished writing Just Friends, I understood just how much more there was to learn about the joy, power and influence of friendship, in all its iterations.

I was 19 when I started working full-time as an assistant at a women’s magazine. I’d just left my regional hometown to move to Sydney, where I somehow made things work on a salary that only just covered my rent, with enough money left over to have eggs on toast for dinner most nights. A lot has changed since then – I’ve worked for magazines, websites and newspapers; I’ve left the country and moved back again – but one thing has remained the same: friendship is my favourite thing to write about.

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It would be impossible to put words to everything I believe to be true about friendship (though I promise I have tried my very best in Just Friends) but here are a few of the most important realisations I’ve had after more than a decade of writing about our most influential relationships.

People like us more than we think

I first heard about the ‘liking gap’ when I interviewed Dr Marisa G Franco, the author of Platonic: How the Science of Attachment Can Help You Make – and Keep – Friends. In 2018, researchers found that when we talk to other people, most of us seriously underestimate how much the person we’re talking to is enjoying the conversation and enjoying our company. This feeling can last for months, as we’re getting to know someone new.

After reading and writing about the ‘liking gap’, I noticed a shift in myself when meeting new people. If you go into a conversation assuming that someone is going to enjoy talking to you, and be glad they did, it’s surprising how much easier it is to make new friends.

Your oldest friends will see many iterations of you

While I once thought the phrase ‘you’ve changed’ would signal the downfall of any relationship – romantic or platonic – I now recognise the joy of being close to someone long enough to witness many different versions of them. A few weeks ago, I was making rounds of margaritas at my place before a party and a friend joked that “2013 Gyan was back for one night only”.

It was an off-handed remark, a joke about how much we used to party together a decade ago compared to now, but it was also a reminder of how many iterations of each other my oldest friends and I have spent time with. There’s something quite special about being able to remember a past version of a friend, celebrating how they have changed since then, and connect over the different lives you’ve lived together.

Our friendships can make our romantic relationships even better

Like every millennial woman, I put a lot of faith in Esther Perel. In Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence, she examines the consequences of the way we rely on our romantic partners to meet all of our needs. “Today, we turn to one person to provide what an entire village once did: a sense of grounding, meaning, and continuity,” she writes.

While Perel never explicitly refers to friends as the solution to the issues many romantic relationships face, after having conversations with many couples – and examining my own long-term relationship – I have no doubt that meaningful and emotionally intimate friendships with other people have the ability to keep our romantic partnerships feeling alive.

The phrase ‘just friends’ exists as a counterpoint to ‘lovers’ – a way we prevent our partners from being jealous of others who we are close to – but I believe that close friendship is vital for anyone hoping to have a long and happy romantic relationship.

A friend can be someone to build a future with

When we think of our future – whether it be the next five, 10 or 15 years – our minds often go straight to careers, partners, homes and maybe children. But what these visions of the future are often missing is the vital role our friends play in our lives. If we want to remain close to the people who bring us so much joy today, we need to consider how they’re going to fit into our lives tomorrow.

There’s no limit to the roles friends can play in our lives, especially if we open our eyes to the possibilities ahead of us. Friends can be family, a home, people to build a career alongside. They can be the ones who keep our relationships on track, care for our children as if they’re their own, and see us through both the best and worst times. If we consider our friendships to be just as important as our careers, family and partners, there’s no end to the possibilities.

Just Friends by Gyan Yankovich is out on January 31 with Ultimo Press.