Should you get involved when you know someone is cheating? Couples counsellors weigh in

Alert the infidelity police.

We all know that cheating’s bad. In games, tests and most of all, in relationships, cheating is almost guaranteed to end in tears. Or at least, a lot of guilt, shame and pain. But despite cheating being a clear moral no-no, it happens all the time – and not just in romcoms or sexy teen dramas.

Being cheated on is the worst but at least it (generally speaking) leaves you with a straightforward action: dump them and move on. But what happens when you find out someone you know is cheating? When that person is a close friend? Sometimes, the answer isn’t so simple.

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To help us with this dilemma, we reached out to two Australian couples counsellors for some guidance. Melbourne-based therapist, Natalie Claire-King, and Tamara Pallos, from Couples Counselling Sydney, have decades of experience between them, and here they offer sound advice on what to do in this tricky situation.

Firstly, why do people in relationships cheat?

Both Natalie and Tamara say that cheating in relationships often points to deeper emotional needs going unmet. “Common reasons include feeling emotionally disconnected, seeking validation or attention outside the relationship, boredom, loneliness, unresolved conflict, or an inability to communicate needs effectively,” lists Natalie. “Many times, people are trying to fulfil something they feel is lacking but struggle to articulate it directly to their partner. It’s rarely as simple as just attraction or temptation.”

Tamara agrees, the most common reason for cheating is that one partner isn’t getting certain needs met, in the relationship, that are important to them. “Someone else comes along who meets these needs and that’s how the cheating starts,” she explains. “Obviously, where needs aren’t getting met, it’s healthier to communicate with your partner about those needs… but sometimes people’s communication and conflict resolution skills aren’t well-developed enough for them to know how to do this.”

Another reason people have affairs is that they have poor self-esteem and the affair partner’s interest in them makes them feel better about themselves. “Or the person having the affair may not be very committed to their relationship partner or may have narcissistic traits that mean they tend to do what they like, without regard for the impact on others,” says Tamara.

What should I do if I find out a friend is cheating on their partner?

This is a tough place to be and Natalie stresses that it’s natural to feel conflicted when someone you care about shares something so complex. “I’d encourage you first to reflect on your own feelings about this news. Are you feeling uncomfortable, disappointed, protective, or unsure how to support them? Recognising your own emotional response can help you navigate the conversation more authentically,” she advices.

“When you speak to your friend, approach them with empathy and curiosity rather than judgment. You could say something like, ‘I appreciate you sharing this with me. It sounds complicated. What’s coming up for you around this?’ Encouraging reflection, rather than offering immediate advice creates space for honesty and emotional clarity.”

What if I find out a friend is being cheated on?

“Finding yourself holding difficult information like this can feel deeply uncomfortable,” says Natalie. “The guiding question here is: how would you want a friend to approach this if it was about you? Most people appreciate honesty delivered with care and sensitivity. Natalie suggests considering a gentle conversation, framing it as coming from a place of care.

“You might say something like, ‘there’s something sensitive I feel I need to share with you because your happiness and wellbeing really matter to me. Do you feel comfortable hearing it?’ Give your friend the space to process and respond at their own pace, and be ready to support whatever comes up for them next.”

According to Tamara, there’s no ‘right’ answer to these questions. How you respond to both these sticky situations really depends on your own values. “For example, how strongly you oppose cheating, whether you think it is better to confront someone or to not interfere in others’ relationships. How people choose to respond is also based on the closeness of the relationship with the person concerned. You might feel more of a responsibility to tell a close friend their partner is cheating than an acquaintance you see only occasionally.”

Tamara also points out that Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM) is becoming increasingly common. “As a couples therapist, ten years ago I didn’t have any CNM couples coming to see me for therapy but I now see quite a few of these couples,” she explains. Before assuming someone is cheating on their partner, Tamara says it may be better to check whether or not they have committed to a monogamous relationship, before getting involved.

Can couples come back together after one partner has cheated?

Both Natalie and Tamara have witnessed couples who decide to end things after an affair, and couples who decide to get back together.

“Some people consider cheating to be a deal-breaker and don’t have any interest in resuscitating a romantic relationship where this has happened,” says Tamara. “But where both partners are willing to work, they can repair the relationship after one partner has cheated. Normally, they would need to go to couples therapy. In the therapy process, the partner who was betrayed needs to express their feelings of pain and hurt and the partner who cheated needs to listen non-defensively.”

Natalie also agrees couples can absolutely come back after cheating, though it takes genuine willingness from both partners to engage in deep emotional work. “Healing from infidelity isn’t just about rebuilding trust, it’s about understanding what led to the rupture, addressing underlying unmet emotional needs and committing to open, vulnerable communication,” she says.

“I’ve witnessed many couples emerge from this painful experience with a stronger, more authentic bond. When both partners feel emotionally safe enough to explore difficult conversations honestly, it can be transformative. The key is shared commitment, emotional transparency, and often, the support of a trusted therapist who can hold space for healing and growth.”

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