How to understand your argument style in a relationship

Can a ‘pursuer’ be happy with a ‘withdrawer’?

It’s not that often that I argue with my boyfriend but when I do, there’s usually a moment where things stop being about the actual issue and start becoming about how we’re arguing.

Maybe I’m pushing for answers while he goes quiet. Maybe he’s trying to explain himself while I hear it as deflection. It can be frustrating and more often than not, predictable.

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While I can only speak for myself, the truth is most of us have a default ‘argument style’ we fall into when emotions run high. It’s shaped by everything from how we grew up, to how safe we feel being vulnerable. And while it’s totally normal for conflict to arise, understanding your patterns (and your partner’s) can be the difference between a fight that spirals and one that actually resolves something.

According to Breanna Jayne Sada, psychologist and host of the Let’s Reconnect podcast, conflict itself usually isn’t the problem, it’s how we handle it. Therefore, the key to having a successful resolution is figuring out your style, and what to do with that information.

The different argument styles

As Breanna explains, “most people tend to lean toward a few common conflict styles, often shaped by personality, stress levels, family modelling, and past relationship experiences.”

You might recognise yourself as a ‘pursuer’, someone who wants to address issues immediately, seeks reassurance and pushes for quick resolution. In contrast, ‘withdrawers’ often need space and time to regulate before they can engage productively. These two styles frequently show up together in relationships, creating a push-pull dynamic that can escalate quickly if neither person understands what’s happening.

Other styles tend to be more reactive. Some people become defensive, putting their energy into explaining, denying or counterattacking rather than hearing the concern. Others lean critical, expressing frustration through blame, sweeping statements or personal attacks. There’s also a passive style, where someone says very little outwardly but builds resentment internally over time (guilty), which can eventually surface in less constructive ways.

At the healthier end of the spectrum is the collaborative style. This is where both people stay respectful, communicate clearly and work toward a shared solution, even if emotions are running high. Breanna also references John Gottman’s ‘Four Horsemen’ of conflict – criticism, defensiveness, contempt and stonewalling – which are particularly damaging patterns that can erode trust and connection if they become habitual.

Importantly, your argument style isn’t a fixed trait. “Most people move between styles depending on stress and context,” Breanna says, but recognising your default responses when emotions spike is a crucial first step toward changing the pattern.

Why self-awareness changes everything

If you’ve ever walked away from a fight wondering how on earth it escalated so quickly, you’re not alone. Many people argue on autopilot, without pausing to consider what’s actually happening in the moment. According to Breanna, this lack of awareness is often what keeps couples stuck in the same cycles.

“Understanding your own style helps you notice whether you escalate, avoid, become sarcastic, shut down or struggle to listen under stress,” she explains. “Self-awareness creates choice, which means you can respond more intentionally rather than react emotionally.”

When you stop to think (and breathe), you can choose a different response that’s more aligned with what you actually want from the conversation. That shift is powerful because it creates space between emotion and behaviour. Over time, even small changes in how you respond can significantly improve how conflicts play out.

It’s also worth remembering that arguing isn’t inherently bad. “Disagreement and conflict is inevitable in most relationships, but that doesn’t mean it has to be unhealthy.” When approached with awareness and care, conflict can actually strengthen a relationship by encouraging honesty and understanding.

Learning your partner’s style

Understanding your own patterns is one part of the equation. In most cases, the real friction comes from the interaction between two different styles, rather than the issue being argued about. As Breanna puts it, “Often couples are not fighting only about the issue itself, but about how each person handles conflict.

“If one partner needs immediate discussion and the other needs time to think, both can misread the other as uncaring or controlling.”

These misunderstandings can escalate quickly if they’re taken personally. “Understanding each other’s style can reduce personalising the behaviour,” she explains, and helps couples create a more balanced and respectful process for navigating disagreements. This might mean agreeing on when to talk, how to take breaks or how to signal when a conversation is becoming overwhelming.

What happens when you don’t understand each other

When couples don’t recognise each other’s conflict patterns, they often fill in the gaps with negative assumptions. “A partner needing space may be seen as rejecting, while a partner wanting to talk may be seen as nagging or attacking,” Breanna says. These interpretations can create a feedback loop where both people feel misunderstood and unheard, which only intensifies the conflict.

Over time, this dynamic can become repetitive. “The real issue never gets resolved because both people are reacting to the process rather than the problem,” she explains. Left unchecked, this pattern can lead to resentment, frustration and emotional distance

How to handle a defensive partner

When a partner responds defensively, it can be tempting to double down in an effort to be heard. However, this often escalates the situation rather than resolving it.

“With a defensive partner, the goal is to lower threat and increase safety,” she explains. “Staying calm and specific is usually far more effective than trying to win the argument.”

One way to do this is by using ‘I’ statements, such as ‘I felt hurt when’, which are generally more effective than accusatory phrases like ‘you always’, which can trigger further defensiveness.

Validation also plays an important role. Acknowledging anything you genuinely agree with or understand can help the other person feel heard, which often reduces the urge to defend themselves.

Timing matters as well. Asking when your partner would be open to having the conversation, rather than insisting on it in the heat of the moment, can lead to a more productive outcome

How to communicate with someone who avoids conflict

Avoidant conflict styles require a different approach, particularly because direct pressure can have the opposite effect of what you intend. “If your partner avoids conflict, pushing harder usually makes them retreat further,” Breanna says.

Instead, it can help to choose a calm, neutral moment to raise the issue and clearly communicate your intention. Reassuring your partner that the goal is understanding, rather than criticism or confrontation, can make the conversation feel more manageable.

Keeping the discussion focused is also key. Bringing up multiple issues at once or using an intense tone can quickly overwhelm someone who already finds conflict difficult. Staying calm increases the chances that they’ll stay engaged rather than shut down.

“You might also ask what helps them stay engaged,” she notes, whether that’s having time to think before responding or taking short breaks during the conversation. For some people, part of the work is learning that disagreement doesn’t have to be threatening, and can actually be constructive when handled well.

Red flags to watch for during arguments

While conflict is a normal part of any relationship, certain behaviours signal a shift into unhealthy territory. Breanna points to contempt, humiliation, name-calling, intimidation and threats as major red flags, along with deliberate silent treatment used as punishment and repeated gaslighting.

These behaviours can have a lasting impact, particularly when they become patterns rather than isolated incidents. Feeling afraid during an argument is another important warning sign that the dynamic may not be safe.

“Healthy conflict should feel respectful, even when emotions are high,” she says. This doesn’t mean conversations will always be calm, but there should be a baseline of mutual respect and care, even in disagreement.

The most pragmatic approach is collaborative conflict, where both people stay focused on the issue, listen to each other and work toward resolution rather than trying to ‘win’. This style prioritises understanding and repair, which ultimately strengthens the relationship over time.

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