I’m all for dating in the workplace, here’s why

“A relationship with somebody you work with can be a great thing because you have some background information on them.”

Dating in the workplace. It’s murky, risky water and while it isn’t entirely off-limits, it’s extremely controversial. While some like to dip their toes in, others prefer to keep a wide berth between themselves and that one particularly cute coworker. It’s a debate that’s been had for years over dinner tables, parties and at post-work drinks.

Personally? I’m a proud member of the minority: I’m all for a workplace romance. To be honest, I don’t see it as a bad thing at all and I’d go as far as to say that ‘coworkers to lovers’ is my favourite trope. I met my partner at work. We were friends just short of five years before we started dating, and for us, things couldn’t have possibly gone better.

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We no longer work together, having moved on from retail life and onto our respective careers, but we now live together. If we hadn’t taken the plunge, my life would certainly look very different right now.

Am I delusional for thinking that your day job is a good place to form a relationship, though? I spoke to psychotherapist and love coach Angela Barrett to find out. “A relationship with somebody you work with can be a great thing because you have some background information on them,” Angela says. 

She explains that because you’re in such close proximity to them, you’re able to see them in a more authentic light, unlike dating apps or going on a date with someone you’ve just met. In those contexts, “We start putting on the best show that we can, trying to be our best self,” Angela tells me.

I believe this is why I fall for my coworkers more than anyone else. I’ve tried dating apps and going on dates with people I’ve just met, but I hate the getting-to-know-someone stage of dating, preferring to skip to the deep and meaningful stuff. Sure, my boyfriend and I may have been friends for a long time before our relationship began, but it was from working with him that I saw his true character.

So, if you and your coworker decide that you do want to enter into a relationship, what do you do? Angela stresses the importance of establishing boundaries and setting the tone for your relationship inside the workplace right from the beginning.

She tells me that with workplace relationships, you need to have a plan for what to do or how to act if your relationship doesn’t work out because let’s be honest, there’s a chance it might not. She says to ask questions like ‘If it doesn’t go well, how are we going to act at work?’ right from the beginning so that there are no misunderstandings in case things go south.

“Have an agreement that however it goes… you remain professional at work,” she says. “This would include not bringing your relationship problems to work [and] also not discussing details of your relationship with your coworkers, and also no public displays of affection at work. You’ve got to have respect for the sanctity of your relationship.”

However, ‘sanctity’ doesn’t mean keeping your relationship a secret from your coworkers, manager or HR department. Angela emphasises the importance of transparency with your manager and HR if you and your partner are moving into a committed, long-term relationship.

“Secrets are dangerous,” she points out. “If you feel like it needs to be a secret, why? What is it about your relationship with the workplace or the situation that needs to be a secret?”

And if it doesn’t work out, what then?

I must admit, my boyfriend hasn’t been my only relationship/situationship that’s kicked off at work. Call me a serial workplace dater if you will, but it’s actually my favourite place to meet people. I don’t deliberately try to date my coworkers, either – I had actually sworn them off right before my boyfriend and I admitted feelings for each other – but sometimes you can’t help it.

I won’t get into the nitty-gritty details of my workplace romances, but let’s just say I kissed my fair share of frogs to find my prince. They also all just happened to share the same employer and friendship circle, so at times, it’s been a double whammy of awkwardness.

Although, I will say that (depending on the situation) if it doesn’t work out, it’s only awkward if you choose to make it awkward. I had one case where we didn’t talk for a year which made working together quite hard and another case where we maintained a level of professionalism and went back to normal in no time, like it never even really happened. I’m still friends with both of them today.

If it doesn’t work out, Angela says the first thing to not do is badmouth them,  since that will create all sorts of negativity and drama in the workplace. Plus, it makes you look bad as well.

“You just need to do the best that you can to be mature and to have an agreement like ‘Okay this hasn’t worked out, but I think we need to agree on being mature about moving on’,” Angela explains. “You don’t want to risk a job that you love or a workplace that you really like.”

So, dating in the workplace doesn’t need to be entirely off-limits, right? Well, Angela says there are some situations you should avoid. “People in senior positions would be wise not to engage in a relationship with somebody in a junior position because there’s a potential conflict and a power imbalance. Even if you’re the one in that more junior position, it’s safer not to date up at work.”

Albeit risky, dating in the workplace can be successful. At the end of the day, you need to decide if it’s a chance you’re willing to take, and if you’re capable of handling the aftermath if it doesn’t work out in your favour, because if you’re not, it’s probably best to nip those feelings in the bud.

For more advice on navigating dating in the workplace, head here.