A sexologist debunks four popular dating ‘taboos’

Like mythbusters, but for love.

Modern dating feels like a labyrinth sometimes, one which requires 10 different maps and two dictionaries to get through. (Seriously, what is benching?) At any moment from swipe to first date, there’s a risk of stepping on a major ‘dating don’t’ landmine that shatters a once-promising match into pieces.

The countless dating ‘taboos’ out there are just another hazard in the maze. But in dodging these perils and attempting to avoid judgement from potential partners, we often make ourselves unhappy and uncomfortable instead.

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Perhaps you’ve carefully curated your dating profile with only the best photos because people seem to judge you exclusively on your looks. Maybe you don’t like disclosing your job title because you feel self-conscious about your career status.

It isn’t just superficial traits either. Maybe you find it difficult to navigate taboo conversation topics, like talking about finances or setting personal boundaries. Who could blame you? We aren’t exactly taught how to have these discussions. Open and honest dating is hard.

But there’s good news. In 2023, we’re headed for a change. Research conducted by the dating app Bumble suggests our attitudes towards so-called dating taboos are beginning to shift. Instead, the most prominent dating trend for the year is ‘challenging the status quo’.

So what changes can you expect for your dating life? I spoke to Bumble’s resident sexologist, Chantelle Otten, about the dating taboos that are headed for the door and how you can take advantage of these changes to create more fulfilling connections.

Taboo #1: People are going to judge me for my ‘lower-status’ job

It’s a perennial question in social interactions: “What do you do for work?”. But this question seems to have particular significance when it comes to dating. The Bumble research indicates that a quarter of single Australians judge people negatively due to their career status.

According to Chantelle, this mindset is sometimes rooted in sexism. She refers specifically to the ingrained belief that men should earn more than women and when they don’t, it’s a potential dealbreaker. “I think to a lot of people that seems inferior or it’s a sign… that person is not motivated, or that they don’t have what it takes to be successful,” she explains.

But considering that 2022 was the ‘year of quiet quitting’, it’s no surprise our attitudes towards work are changing. Over 50 per cent of people surveyed by Bumble now care more about work/life balance than the career status of a partner. Further to that, one in 10 people will no longer date someone with a very demanding job.

“It’s encouraging to see a shift towards valuing work-life balance over career status… maybe people [are] thinking ‘Okay, well, a person’s occupation doesn’t define their worth as a personal partner’,” Chantelle says. She suggests we start looking past a person’s profession and inquiring more about their lives outside of work instead. What are their hobbies? What are their goals? This can tell you a lot more about them than their nine-to-five.

Taboo #2: Talking about money is a big no

It’s a discussion that’s often tip-toed around, but given the current state of our economy, it’s hard to ignore the topic of money. From the big decisions like moving in together to even smaller decisions like which restaurant you’ll be going to for dinner, it’s time to talk finances.

Bumble predicts that in 2023 people can expect to encounter more honest conversations about money with their dates. Already, one in three people believe it’s important to talk about finances with the person they’re seeing.

If you’re wanting to start that conversation with your partner, timing is crucial. Chantelle recommends bringing up the topic in a casual lunch or dinner setting rather than in a spontaneous moment of stress and frustration. “I think asking your partner, in a positive tone, whether you can talk about money with them and talk about their goals for the future would be a good thing,” she shares.

Being open and honest is key but also ensure you’re paying attention to your partner’s responses and trying to understand their perspective. “You need to approach this conversation with… a willingness to compromise, because at the end of the day… you need to work together as a team to achieve your financial goals.”

Taboo #3: Setting boundaries makes things awkward

For the non-confrontational girlies out there, the action of setting a boundary requires an almost insurmountable dose of courage. It’s a fine art to establish a boundary in a way that both respects yourself and doesn’t kill the energy you have going with another person.

Last year, Bumble found that more people were learning how to articulate their needs and boundaries. For many, this included clearly establishing emotional needs and not overcommitting socially.

In setting your own boundaries, Chantelle says it’s important to take some time to really think about why you’re setting boundaries and what they are. Reflect on your values and priorities. Do you need more alone time? What are your expectations with communication? What physical intimacy are you comfortable with?

“What you could do is cute date nights where you’re getting to check in with each other, and you revisit your boundaries,” Chantelle suggests. Equally, don’t be afraid to assert yourself when your boundaries are crossed. Ultimately, setting the boundary only gets you halfway – learning how to deal with people who cross your boundaries is the other half of the battle.

Taboo #4: People on dating apps only care about appearances

It’s hard to not think superficially when you make split-second decisions on whether to swipe left or right on a potential date. And it’s okay to have preferences or a type to streamline your decision-making. In fact, 41 per cent of Australian singles only date within their type.

But according to Bumble, more and more people are starting to prioritise long-term relationship goals by emphasising the need for emotional maturity over physical appearances. According to Chantelle, dating for emotional intelligence rather than looks can create more rewarding connections.

Emotional maturity plays into multiple areas of being a good partner. If you’re sick of getting ghosted, prioritise matches with better communication skills. If you’ve had enough of manipulative BS, find a person with greater emotional stability.

Overall, Chantelle says an emotionally intelligent partner is more likely to have a better sense of empathy and understanding. “When you do find someone who’s more emotionally mature, it is easier to build a foundation of trust and respect and emotional connection,” she explains. And why would you settle for any less?

Want to learn more about navigating the online dating world? Head here.