I deleted my dating apps and I’ve never been happier, here’s why

And I’m still dating.

I’m what you’d call a typical late bloomer. I didn’t go on a first date until right before my twentieth birthday. I hadn’t even kissed a boy before then (there’s nothing wrong with that, by the way!). I’ll admit it right now – boys scared me.

My first experiences with dating took place during the 2020 lockdowns, all originating on dating apps (and I’ll be honest… they sucked). My misadventures consisted of too much talking on Bumble or Instagram DMs (the dreaded ‘talking phase’), leading up to one awkward date slotted between one of the many brief gaps in lockdowns.

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It’s fair to say that my introduction to dating as an adult was unimpressive at best. At worst, it was downright shit. A year into using ‘the apps’, I was still painfully single (despite my best efforts) and felt worn out from dating. The never-ending swiping grind made me feel uncomfortable, detached and extremely anxious. Oh, and I was being casually sexually harassed almost daily.

Upon reflection, I can’t believe I used dating apps for as long as I did. The simplest thing to do would have been to delete Hinge and Bumble and get on with it. This right here is the dilemma – my self-esteem was at an all-time low, and I was relying heavily on these apps for validation.

I constantly needed to be told I was ‘hot’ or ‘beautiful’. These compliments provided me with fleeting moments of assurance that would swiftly dissipate, leaving me craving more. The cycle found me swiping manically for months, resulting only in unhappiness and unfulfillment.

Skip past a few more months of crappy dates and talking phases, I’d finally hit the wall with dating apps. I’d been in too many situations where I was into a guy who ‘didn’t know what he wanted’ (surprisingly common and super annoying) and felt a bit too wounded to keep going. A friend pointed out that maybe dating apps just weren’t for me (which was absolutely correct).

When I turned this over in my head, it made sense. I’m sensitive and quite shy, so putting myself out there online to be judged by men made me feel vulnerable and unsafe. It seemed like such a simple solution, it hadn’t really occurred to me before. So I did it – and deleting those apps felt like a weight off my shoulders.

While I was mulling over whether to delete or not, a combination of work, uni and friends (plus no lockdown) led to a very full and busy life. I was out a lot – on campus at uni, working from a cafe or out at a bar with friends. So despite the fact I’d deleted the dating apps from my phone months ago, my dating life hadn’t ceased – it just looked different.

For me, dating now looks like meeting someone organically and swapping Instagrams, setting up a date and going out. It’s cute, it’s fun and it’s a lot less stressful. There are no long weeks of talking and trying to figure out what the other wants. There’s an underrated simplicity to that.

In case you’re considering whether the apps are hurting or helping you, I thought I’d let you in on what’s helped me. Something that’s allowed me to date without apps is my (newly developing) self-confidence. Having the ability to reassure myself when I’m feeling insecure – instead of turning to men I barely know – has given me so much power.

Additionally, I’ve learnt (and am still learning) to let myself be okay with being single. Removing the pressure of finding a relationship (aka no more dating ‘goals’) has allowed me to just enjoy my dating life.

If you’ve had a similar experience, I recommend rethinking the apps. I know lots of people thrive online, but I’ve accepted dating apps just don’t work for me right now. My time was spent feeling extremely insecure, anxious and sometimes unsafe. I think anything’s worth a go, as long as you’re feeling comfortable and happy.

This article was originally published on June 21, 2022.

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