Fashion Journal’s Editor on navigating self-love while dating

“Having high self-love doesn’t mean you get ghosted and you just don’t care. It means that you get ghosted and maybe you’re upset for that day.”

The irony of someone like me writing an article on self-love and dating is not lost on me (or any of my close friends, for that matter). I have a checkered dating history, filled with men that, upon reflection, were embarrassingly emotionally unavailable. More times than I care to admit, I’ve been strung along for months only to be ghosted in a dramatic fashion.

When people did like me back, I rarely returned the sentiment. I would have ‘the ick’ or be enamoured with someone – for most of my twenties, these were the two polar opposite reactions I’ve had to love and dating. Of course, the danger of putting romantic partners on a pedestal is that by comparison, you start seeming a little less dynamic, sparkly and interesting.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

As I’ve matured, I’ve come to realise that often when I feel ‘the ick’ it’s actually the fear of being vulnerable. It’s the gnawing worry I’ll have to reveal my true self to someone after subconsciously dating emotionally unavailable people to avoid this.

I’ve long struggled with my self-esteem and dating tends to bring out these issues in full force. I’d like to say that at 29 years old, I’m out of the woods; that rejection and romantic disappointment don’t hurt me in the way they used to.

And while I’ve made strides in this department, it takes a lot of effort to not feel pretty bummed about the state of my love life. I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. Many of us struggle with dating and maintaining a robust sense of self. And why wouldn’t we? It takes guts to put yourself out there time and time again.

And if you already struggle with self-confidence, it’s all too easy to take to your appearance and personality with a magnifying glass, wondering what it is about you that isn’t inspiring ardent devotion from every prospective suitor.

Lucille McCart, the APAC Communications Director of Bumble, knows all too well the emotional ups and downs that come with dating. “There’s no point saying, you know, that it’s not hard. It’s really hard. And, you know, I’ve been single for the better part of the last 10 years. So I’ve experienced it all,” she tells me. Recognising a kindred single spirit, I ask her if she has any strategies for those of us that struggle when it comes to maintaining self-love while dating.

“It sounds really cliche to say that other people’s behaviour is not about you. But it really is true. Because when I think about the times that I have disrespected someone, it has usually been about… how I felt about myself at the time. We’ve all been on the receiving end and I’ve given it [disrespectful behaviour] a few times, as well and [it was] in those times where I was not the best version of myself. I could have been dating anyone, you know, and I don’t think my behaviour would have been different,” she shares.

It’s not you, it’s me

It’s a phrase all single people have heard many times before: ‘It’s not you, it’s me’. But Lucille says the research Bumble has done backs this up. “A lot of the research that we’ve done into things like ghosting, of all the reasons that you can give, very few had to do with the other person.

“Really common reasons for ghosting are things like, they just weren’t in the right headspace or they let too much time pass. And then they felt too awkward to message because they got busy and they weren’t looking to date. All those things have to do with what’s going on with that person.”

I love and respect myself a hell of a lot more than I did in my early to mid-twenties (I know this because these days if a man I’m interested in has no bedframe and a room littered with broken skateboard decks, I’m immediately out). But I can’t lie – the disappointment and hurt feelings that come with dating can cause me to spiral into self-loathing. This is increasingly the case as I knock on the door of 30, and close friends are getting married, engaged and having children.

I ask Lucille if, once you cultivate enough self-love, you can become Teflon-like and better able to withstand these blows. Not quite, she says. “Having high self-love doesn’t mean you get ghosted and you just don’t care. It means that you get ghosted and maybe you’re upset for that day. Whereas if you aren’t, you know, practising a high degree of self-love, and you get ghosted that could ruin your week or your month or turn you off dating for some time,” she emphasises.

Upon reflection, I need to give myself a little more credit. When I was younger, I would let men’s opinions of me (or what I imagined their opinions were) completely colour my world. If they liked or loved me and thought I was interesting and attractive, then I was all those things. But the second they lost interest, I believed I was worthless.

Now, even if I do experience all those yucky feelings at first, I don’t believe them in the way I once did. Thanks to exercise, therapy and positive self-talk, my post-breakup breakdowns have dramatically shortened in duration, while at the same time, my confidence and belief in my inherent worth have strengthened. Lucille agrees this is an important sign of progress.

“I think the number one thing is when you have a high degree of self-love, that comes with self-respect and valuing yourself, which means that you are not only less likely to accept bad behaviour and less likely to enter into like toxic situations, but you’re also more capable of communicating what your needs are.

“And I think a lot of the time we get into unhealthy relationship patterns through poor communication and not being able to express our needs and talk about what we want. And that’s where things can really get complicated.”

Intentional and authentic dating

Now we’ve established the ways self-love can improve your dating life, I ask Lucille if she has any practical tips that can improve your (and my) dating experiences. “Remember that Bumble is not Instagram or TikTok. We’re used to curating our profiles to such a degree on Instagram, where everything is very glossy and beautiful.

“I always suggest to people to tone that down a bit on their dating profile, because you want to really present an authentic version of yourself. The aim isn’t to get, you know, 300 likes, the aim is to get compatible matches, and you have got a better chance at doing that when your profile represents who you are as a real person.”

Being my most honest, authentic self around men is something that’s really changed the types of people I attract and date. I used to constantly attempt to impress prospective love interests, both physically and mentally, but now I try to share my real self with them very early on.

For me, this means taking off my makeup and doing my stupidly elaborate skincare routine the second or third time they stay over (as opposed to touching up my concealer in the morning and worrying my makeup-free face would be offputting) and being honest about my struggles with anxiety.

Being intentional is another transformative way to approach your love life. The mindless swiping into the early hours of the morning that was routine for me throughout my early and mid-twenties has been replaced with set days of the week where I use dating apps for an allotted amount of time. I also have breaks from dating apps, and dating entirely, to clear my head and reassess what it is I want and need from the people I date. `

Lucille tells me that Bumble is implementing functions that encourage this intentionally like its recently debuted ‘speed dating’ feature. “So now on Bumble, between 7pm and 8pm on Thursdays, you can do digital speed dating.

“And it’s really fun because you get three-minute sessions, and you don’t see the person’s profile. So it is kind of like a mix of old-school, blind dating and it gives you an hour a week of dedicated time to meet people. And also [it helps to] take a bit of the pressure off in this way that’s just meant to be about fun.”

Like the bootleg Carrie Bradshaw that I am, I’ve already tried real-life speed dating (you can read about that here), so perhaps virtual speed dating is next on the agenda. Either way, in 2023, it’s clear that dating with authenticity and intentionally is the best way to do it.

Step up your online dating game and head on over to Bumble.