Here’s how to know when to estrange yourself from a family member

“Families fight, but family should never make you feel unsafe physically, financially or emotionally.”

Content warning: This article discusses family violence and abuse.

For many people raised in healthy, stable environments, the idea of entirely disconnecting yourself from an immediate family member is probably an alien thought. While a complex situation, being estranged from a relative is a common reality for many Australians. Research conducted by Dr Kylie Agliass, an Australian academic and social worker, found one in 25 Australian adults experienced being estranged from a family member at least once in their lives. 

If you’ve ever questioned estranging yourself from a family member, knowing how and when is appropriate can be challenging. It comes with lots of consequences and re-adjusting. Of course, your safety should always be prioritised. A lack of external support (whether that’s emotional or financial) could make the decision more complicated.

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

To help those feeling lost, I reached out to an expert for some answers. Below, family therapist and director of Love Therapy Australia, Laura Bradley, shares her advice on how to better understand when it’s time to sever ties. 

How do toxic or dysfunctional family relationships impact our mental health and well-being?

The family system we grow up in can shape our entire life view, our views on the world and ourselves. Our earliest relationships form a template for what we expect from our future relationships. Growing up in a toxic environment can create a toxic template for future relationships. 

We often repeat the poor interactions of our past and pick partners based on our childhood experiences of dysfunction. Dysfunctional family relationships can often create adverse childhood experiences which are commonly used as predictors for mental health… and even physiology.

Are there common factors that lead people to question or decide to estrange themselves from a relative?

Family violence and abuse. Generational definitions of abuse and family violence have really changed, with the threshold for what’s acceptable shifting over the years. Children of parents who used physical punishment often grow up to view these experiences as acts of abuse, according to [the] current definition. 

Children [who] experience emotional abuse from their parents may grow to leave the home and experience a shift in their self-esteem, leading them to not want to re-engage in the belittling environment again.

… Parentification is when a parent uses their child for emotional or practical support that should be provided by an adult. These children grow up too quickly and often experience an overwhelming sense of responsibility for others around them, especially their parents. As these children grow into adults, they may realise… they have unfairly parented their parents.

How can we differentiate between regular family conflict and situations that could lead to estrangement?

Sure families fight, but family should never make you feel unsafe physically, financially or emotionally. If your family is eroding your sense of self or safety, it may be time to consider taking some space or enacting some safety measures around the relationship.

Are there alternatives to estrangement that you would suggest someone explore before disconnecting from a loved one?

Family therapy is a wonderful option to explore family issues, raise your challenges in a safe space and support re-connection. You can also explore formal mediation to dispute any challenges, though this doesn’t always resolve emotional difficulties.

What are some ways to best deal with the process and grief of losing a loved one?  

Being stuck in the middle of a family fight or on the receiving end of the silent treatment is incredibly devastating and painful. It’s important not to push your loved ones. If they’ve asked for space, give them space and respect their wishes. 

Take time to reflect on your own behaviour in the relationship – what could you have done differently? Too often I see family members estranged from their loved ones saying, “I have no idea what I’ve done wrong” – usually this points to a lack of self-awareness and reflection. Families rarely sever for no good reason.

If you’re experiencing the grief and pain of isolation, reach out to friends, neighbours [and] community connections – create a sense of family in those around you that value your time and effort. 

For more on family estrangement, head here.