How to stop faking orgasms, according to a somatic sex coach

“When we fake pleasure, nobody wins.”

Sydney-based somatic sexologist and sex and intimacy coach Alice Child is the founder of Vulva Dialogues. She works with individuals, couples and groups, helping people achieve happier, healthier and more fulfilled sex lives – whatever that means for them. Visit her website for more.

Let me ask you this question: what is the point of sex? Think about it. The answer might be slightly different for everybody, but hopefully, there are some common themes like pleasure, connection, intimacy, exploration, release, joy, etc. Why am I asking you this?

Well, sometimes people don’t see the harm in faking orgasms – and I’m not here to judge or shame anyone who has (after all, most women have for one reason or another). But when we fake pleasure, nobody wins.

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The person faking the orgasm doesn’t get the pleasure, connection and release they’re craving, and the other person doesn’t get authentic intimacy or the chance to learn and discover what their partner really likes. Put simply, faking orgasms can lead to a culture where more people are having average sex.

Who fakes orgasms?

Faking orgasms is really common. This probably doesn’t come as a big surprise, but statistically, it’s much more common for women and vulva owners to admit to having faked orgasms.

One study published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine found that approximately 68 per cent of women reported having faked an orgasm at least once in their lives. Another study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior reported that around 80 per cent of women admitted to faking orgasm during sex.

But men aren’t off the hook, either. A study published in the Archives of Sexual Behavior found that approximately 25 per cent of men reported having faked an orgasm at least once in their lives. The study also revealed men were more likely to fake orgasms during casual sexual encounters compared to committed relationships.

Why do people fake orgasms?

There are so many reasons why it might feel easier, safer and less awkward to fake it. We still live in a largely sex-negative and conservative society, and culturally there are lots of influences we might not even be aware of.

Not being able to orgasm or feeling pressure

There are lots of reasons why you might find it difficult or even impossible to orgasm alone or with a partner. Sadly, our culture places an exaggerated emphasis on ‘performance’ in the bedroom, and nearly always makes orgasm the ‘goal’. The pressure to meet these unrealistic expectations often makes reaching a genuine orgasm even harder.

Pleasing a partner

Nobody wants to let a partner down, and faking orgasms can stem from a desire to protect a partner’s ego or maintain harmony within the relationship – so often people prioritise their partner’s satisfaction over their own authenticity.

Silence and shame

Many people feel uncomfortable or awkward talking about their desires, needs and preferences in the bedroom. There’s a huge cone of silence that surrounds sex but if you can’t ask for what you need, you’re much less likely to get it!

Sex with a new partner

It’s often much harder to reach the ‘big O’ with a new partner. This is because you’re more likely to be nervous and want to impress, plus you’re both still learning each other’s bodies. All of this added pressure means you’re more likely to fake it if you’re struggling.

Bad sex education

The sex education we receive in life is generally not good enough. This means most people don’t have the confidence, knowledge or skills to know what they like, how to ask for it, how to ask for feedback and how to make themselves (or a partner) build arousal.

Wanting sex to finish

If you’re not enjoying yourself during sex, faking an orgasm is often seen as a quick way to get it to end without hurting the other person’s feelings or having an awkward conversation.

How do you know if somebody is faking an orgasm?

The truth is, often you can’t! Some people are really good at faking it, especially if they’ve been doing it for a long time. The signs of reaching orgasm are different for everybody – some people are really loud, while other people have learnt how to be really quiet.

Plus, there are lots of different types of orgasms and orgasmic experiences. Even if you think you know what you’re looking out for, it can be different from one experience to the next. If in doubt, ask!

How to stop faking your orgasms

If you’ve been faking your orgasms for a while, it might feel like a hard habit to break – but trust me, it will be worth it in the long term! Below are some top tips to start prioritising your pleasure and break the habit of faking it.

Self-awareness

Ask yourself: why have you been faking it? Have you put yourself under pressure? Do you want to please your partner? Are you uncomfortable asking for what you need in the bedroom? Do you have shame about your desires? Do you need to learn what you like (and how to ask for it) in the bedroom? Be kind to yourself and remember this is all very normal. Reach out to a sexologist if you need support on this journey

Remove the goal of orgasm

Instead, make pleasure the goal. It’s time to redefine pleasure and shift the focus from orgasm-centric experiences to a broader understanding of pleasure. Learn to love the journey, not just the destination – sexual satisfaction is not defined by orgasms, but by the overall quality of intimate encounters!

Practice open and honest communication

Create a safe and non-judgmental space for open conversations about sex. Practice having conversations about desires, fantasies and boundaries, and practice giving and receiving feedback without defensiveness. By communicating, you’ll create an environment that supports fun, learning, curiosity and honesty in the bedroom.

Try new things

Focus on sensual activities that prioritise pleasure and connection, without putting all the pressure on reaching orgasm. Experiment with different forms of touch, intimacy, sex toys and exploration to discover new pathways to pleasure.

Masturbate with more variety

If we don’t explore our bodies, how will we discover what we like? If we don’t know what we like, how do we tell our lovers what feels amazing? If we don’t know and love our own bodies intimately, how can we expect our lovers to? Stay curious, change it up and see what else you discover.

Seek professional support

If you find it challenging to navigate this journey on your own, consider reaching out to a sexologist who specialises in intimacy and relationships. We will give people new tools, ideas and support to help them learn more about reaching orgasm and cultivating authentic pleasure and intimacy.

What to do if you suspect your partner is faking orgasms

If you suspect somebody is faking pleasure with you, gently open up your communication. Ask open-ended questions during pleasure to try and learn exactly what they like. For example, “How could this touch be even more perfect?”, or “Do you prefer touch like this or like this?”. Say “thank you’ when they give feedback – this will make them feel more comfortable being more direct.

Tell them what touch, desires or fantasies you enjoy, and ask them about theirs in return. Sometimes people find this easier to write down – for example, through sexting. You might also ask them to show you what touch they like.

You could masturbate in front of each other as a way of learning more about each other’s bodies and touch preferences. Always remove the goal of orgasm, and instead make pleasure, learning, discovery and connection the goal.

For more on faking orgasms, head here.