A couples counsellor on how to deal with first date nerves

Cure the blind date blues.

From the morning of a date until the moment I lock eyes with my Hinge match, I’m rattled with anxiety. Although I’ve been on many – I mean many – first dates in my time, the pre-date jitters never seem to get easier.

Having been practically single for the best part of five years, I’ve developed strategies to get the most enjoyment out of even the worst dates. Because of this, I know it’ll be fine, but it doesn’t prevent feelings of nausea, sweatiness and brain fog.

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This kind of anxiousness is one I’ve talked over with my gal pals, with them saying that’s it’s completely normal. But is it actually, or are we all just as high strung as each other?

To learn a little more, I asked an actual professional, the lovely Mim Kempson who is a narrative therapist and couples counsellor, about why we feel this pre-date anxiousness, and whether these icky feelings can be harnessed for good.

Hi Mim, thanks so much for chatting! Why do we experience anxiousness before first dates?

As humans, we inherently have a fear of the unknown and get anxious around uncertainty. Meeting someone who was once a stranger for the first time is always riddled with a lot of uncertainties. On the date if we’re consumed by the self-talk around ‘Do they like me, what’s going to come of this, how do they see me?’, then we’re not going to see what’s right before us.

Research has shown, in the hetero dating space, that men will walk into a date thinking ‘Will I like her?’, and women will walk into the date thinking ‘Will he like me?’. It also depends on our past because we bring into our dating experiences our histories. Have we been rejected for a certain thing about ourselves a couple of times that then becomes the storyline that we live by? Have we had traumatic experiences?

Pre-date, what are the tell-tale signs that we’re experiencing anxiety?

The two key feelings that I would pinpoint would be overwhelm and confusion. Overwhelm is when our system is flooded with sensations, and we don’t know how to name what we are feeling. Confusion is walking into a date not really knowing what we want.

We may find ourselves having questions run[ning] through our heads like mad, and maybe our doomsday thinking goes haywire. Bodily sensations could include sweating, headaches, or feeling thirsty – basically a flight or fight response.

I’ve definitely felt that! How can these feelings of anxiousness negatively impact not only a first date but our overall dating life?

The first thing I think of is how the date then responds to us. My core belief when it comes to dating is that the more we can be our authentic selves, the quicker it is to weed through the dates that we’re not actually meant to be with. If you’re nervous or anxious, or not being yourself in the sense that you can’t speak confidently and you’re experiencing all these symptoms and the date responds with empathy, inquisitiveness, patience, it will show someone’s true colours.

Whereas, if they go “Fuck this, I’m looking for someone who knows what they want”, or whatever their agenda is, then that’s going to quickly separate people. There’s nothing bad per se about the anxiety itself, it’s more about what do we do with it longer term that becomes the question.

That’s a good way of looking at it! Do you think these feelings of anxiety before a first date can be a good thing? Can it prepare you?

I would always recommend having a check-in with yourself. Body language is a huge component of attraction, communication [and] connection, so how we connect to ourselves is fundamental to how that then reflects into our dates. If we ignore all these signs that our body and mind are sending us, then we’re probably not going to be very present on that date.

Eat a nourishing meal, take a nap, talk to a friend. Figure out how you can remedy it. How can I be more grounded walking into the date? Anxiousness will point to what you need to do in the moment for yourself.

Love that. On the flip side, do you think there’s such a thing as post-date anxiety? And how can we best deal with those feelings?

The most empowered way to walk into and out of dates is [by] treating the experience as self-dating. We use these opportunities as moments of reflection. What person am I in situations when I’m nervous? What have I learnt about what I’m seeking in a partner?

What do I like and don’t like? What have I learnt about myself that I need to work on? They’re really honest, brutal questions. Every date will bring us closer to ourselves and that is valuable. That kind of mindset is really reassuring because no bad date is a lost cause.

Yes, in my experience, putting myself out there romantically always brings something positive into your life. Do you have any tips for dealing with this sort of pre-date and post-date anxiety when it’s super overwhelming?

I would get really clear with yourself about why you are going on these dates. It may mean maybe you’re not ready to be dating right now. It could be that you’re confused about what you want and that can be risky territory because you may be swayed by what the other person wants.

Whether that be journaling, going for a walk, chatting with a friend, getting into your art practice – whatever self-connective way you can use to ask yourself ‘What am I hoping for here?’ and connecting to that would be the key.

Yep, I love that. I’d love to know whether you think anxiousness is an inherent part of dating. Do you think it doesn’t have to be there, or that it’s there for a good reason?

Anxiousness is definitely normal, and I would say, it is a good thing. If you picture someone who doesn’t have a healthy level of anxiousness, they’re probably going to be pretty self-centred.

If they’re not walking into the unknown with a little dose of curiosity, and instead [are] thinking they know what will happen, what they want and are going to get, that’s an unattractive quality. To put your authentic self forward is a vulnerable act that more people are likely to connect to than the other side which is arrogance.

That’s so interesting. I’ve never considered these feelings of anxiousness to be a positive force.

Yeah, but also nothing exists in a vacuum. It’s a dynamic between two people, like if someone is a little more confident, it may help the other person feel more grounded. If someone is really frank about their anxiousness, then the other person will hopefully be able to level them. It’s a bit of a dance.

You can read more relationship advice from Mim here.