Four Australian couples share how they manage their finances

Rent, realistic spending and money philosophies. 

For all the debates around bill-splitting and early dating financial etiquette, there is an argument for both sides of the proverbial wine bar table. Some people maintain the – in my opinion – archaic standard that men in a heterosexual relationship should be inclined to pay more often than their partner does, or at least on the first date.

But it seems the vast majority of us are much more interested in equality than a free meal when it comes to finding love and operating as a team. I remember a man once telling me – in the reddest flag hoist of a move ever – that “men should be the breadwinners”, period. To this, my mouth was not only agape but the entire values system I based my life and my work on was being threatened. 

Interested to hear how others navigate the world? Head to our Life section.

I’ve been raised by a single mum, and have learned that nothing is certain in life. We must be independent (as mainly 20-somethings reading this) to stand on our own two feet, even in that rosy dream state of being in love. I’m in a relatively new relationship of five-ish months, and it’s naturally prompted some personal reflection around things like money and balanced financial contributions to the time we spend together.

I always try to be generous with the people I really care about but have a tendency to go a bit overboard sometimes. I’m also conscious of ensuring my partner and I have a ‘take turns’ approach to going out for a swanky dinner, buying rounds of drinks with friends or having Sunday bagels. 

When it comes to navigating bigger and loftier things like shared rent, bills and Big Life Stuff, I’m not there just yet. But I have recently realised that nobody really talks about co-spending or pooled expenses versus different incomes in a modern relationship.

Age, career, background, family money and a slate of other variables come into play when two people who date each other get more serious and decide to coexist. One person could be returning to studies and be hard-pressed for cash, while the other might be five years into their job and raking a significant amount of it in. 

I wondered, how do couples discuss the icky and complex realm of financing a life shared? How and when do things progress to the point of needing to discuss this stuff in a relationship? And how do people approach everyday expenditure, like groceries or coffee stints?

I’ve asked four anonymous Melbourne couples how they do all of that stuff, to give a teenie-tiny glimpse into the spending and saving habits of lovers. It’s what we’re all dying to ask our friends or that random pair we romanticise, but it’s rarely something to be openly discussed. So here we go.

Couple one, both aged 34

How long have you been in your relationship?

11 years.

How do you approach eating out together? Pub drinks, date nights, brunch stints etc.

We have a shared ‘everyday’ bank account that we use for most shared expenses, including any time we go out for dinners/drinks etc. We try to stick to a set limit each week but rarely find we stick to it, especially over the summer when we’re out and about a lot more. 

What’s your philosophy when it comes to money and spending in a relationship?

Generally, we’re aiming for respect. My partner has very different ideas about spending to me. I’m someone who likes to live in the moment and don’t really think twice about buying the nice pasta sauce or the more expensive glass of wine on the wine list, whereas my partner is more frugal and sensible.

At our best, those differences become complementary because we help each other have more balance on either side of the spending spectrum. At our worst, it’s a source of conflict. But we try to come back to respecting each other’s needs and wants and aim for a happy medium. Compromise, baby!

Has your perspective changed over time? If so, how?

Definitely, as I’ve grown older my personal relationship to money and spending has changed. I used to be extremely impulsive, whereas now I am a little more measured and try to practice self-discipline more.

My partner has also changed in that he’s seen there is value in spending money on things like quality clothes and skincare, but it’s definitely not something that comes naturally as it does for me (!).

Do you live together? If so, how do you navigate money for living, purchasing things for the home, paying rent/a mortgage?

Yes, we live together. We have a shared everyday account for general living expenses like food, bills, the car, insurance, the vet etc. At the moment, I pay the majority of the rent, which is based proportionally on our earnings. 

Couple two, aged 29 and 25

How long have you been in your relationship? 

13 blissful months. 

How do you approach eating out together? Pub drinks, date nights, brunch stints etc. 

We have a very casual approach to eating out together. Maybe it’s because we don’t like talking about money. Maybe it’s because we’re both INCREDIBLY wealthy and money is no object. But probably the first one. 

What’s your philosophy when it comes to money and spending in a relationship? 

We both have differing philosophies here. He thinks whoever makes more should contribute more to shared expenses, and she thinks that unless there’s a huge difference in income, it should just be down the middle. 

Has your perspective changed over time? If so, how?

I can see us getting better at talking about it in the future and being a bit more deliberate. We both grew up with parents that didn’t talk about money at all, so there’s certainly some growing to do. 

Do you live together? If so, how do you navigate money for living, purchasing things for the home, paying rent/a mortgage?

Yes, we live together, so we split rent and bills evenly and take turns buying new things for the house. But she definitely buys more things for the house because she works from home and gets bored.

Couple three, aged 27 and 30

How long have you been in your relationship? 

6 months. 

How do you approach eating out together? Pub drinks, date nights, brunch stints etc.

It’s a shout system. I pay for one, he pays the next and vice versa. Sometimes either of us will go big and treat the other to a very nice dinner for an occasion.

What’s your philosophy when it comes to money and spending in a relationship?

We’re about to move in together so we are splitting a lot of furniture we need fifty-fifty as we’re planning to have it all for a while. So it’s very much about our home. If one of us wants something more for ourselves than the house it’s a solo purchase. The philosophy is much like our dinner – fifty-fifty.

Do you live together? If so, how do you navigate money for living, purchasing things for the home, paying rent/a mortgage?

We’re about to. So currently it’s fifty-fifty despite me earning less than my partner. But we both have different bills, so IMO it comes out in the wash. Maybe once we’re deeper in we will reevaluate.

Couple four, both aged 26

How long have you been in your relationship?

Nine months.

How do you approach eating out together? Pub drinks, date nights, brunch stints etc.

Generally, we have a one-for-one system. My partner will pay on one occasion and I’ll pay for the next. In my culture, generosity is incredibly important. As such, we don’t follow this too stringently. Splitting bills or being stingy is a bit of a turn off for me.

What’s your philosophy when it comes to money and spending in a relationship? 

My philosophy is that ‘it all comes out in the wash’. This definitely speaks to my privilege and upbringing; having grown up with an abundance mindset. In saying this, I don’t believe there is a ‘one-size-fits-all’ approach when it comes to money and relationships. 

Currently, my partner and I have completely different financial situations. My partner earns almost double than me but lives out of home. I am still financially dependent on my family but am personally financing a business. As such, my partner currently spends more in our relationship. There is, however, an understanding that when my financial situation changes, this will even out, and perhaps even, lean towards me spending more.

Has your perspective changed over time? If so, how?

My money outlook hasn’t changed over time, but I am more compassionate towards those who have different outlooks on money to me. My partner, for example, has more of a scarcity mindset, having been financially independent essentially since finishing high school. Equality is an important value for him, whereas generosity is an important value for me. Balancing our two value sets has taken lots of open communication.

For advice on how to talk to your partner about money, try this.